Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

me third mate's owned up t' havin a drinkin problem. He's bin on the semophore to all the ships in the fleet saying what a good bloke he is fer ownin' up to it.

Seeing as he hast no chance o' ever bein' a captain, should I be wasting so much time discussin this wi' me crew?

Yours

Cap'n Floating Vote

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie,

don't worry about me last question. The old soak's decided to pack it in an' spend more time in obscurity - I mean with his family.

Yours,

Cap'n Redtop

[beagle]

Yarrr,

But he still wins the award for most interesting Liberal Democrat capn since Jezza "vote Liberal or I'll shoot your dog" Thorpe. *

What are things coming too when leading (?) politicians can't be tired and emotional as a newt? Reggie Maudling would be apalled.

Auntie Blackbeard.

----------
* Legal note: A false allegation of which he was of course found totally innocent.

[amenabletopasta]

What are things coming too when leading (?) politicians can't be tired and emotional as a newt?

Arrr! Oi couldn't be agreeing with meself more: it be a long standing custom fer politicians ter be tired and emotional. Luckily, Oi reckons the current occupant o' the White House be keen on keeping up the tradition.

Auntie Blackbeard

[black bart]

YYYYAAAARRRR today's responsible politician, if he or she knows what's good for em, has to appear on Big Brother!

I've taken a leaf outa Big Brother's note book an I has a diary room on board where me ship mates can go and say what they likes in private about their fellow pirates. Course secretly I has a swab hidin behind the screen writin down everythin they sais! I can't wait ta read the transcripts.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Bein' a good cap'n I has an "open door" policy where me crew can come an see me with their concerns.

Today, one o' me lowly swabs came an suggested that the ship would be better run if the crew could 'ave more of a say in things. 'Ee wants me to set up a "crewmens council", where all matters relating to plunderin' an pillaging could be discussed, and duty rotas set out in a more fair an proper manner. I listened carefully, an could tell that he be really enthusiastic about the idea, an 'ee sees hisself as a sort o' spokesman for the crew.

So what should it be Auntie - the plank or a hanging?

Yours

Cap'n Despot

[teripie]

Daer Cap'n Despot,
Oi'd take yer crew and first Oi's hang 'em. Next Oi'd keel haul 'em. And lastly Oi'd makes 'em walk the plank makin' sure they's sharks ta eat their remains. Ye can never be to careful with knaves like that.

Sincerely,
Cap'n OverKill

[Duke]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Bein' a good cap'n I has an "open door" policy where me crew can come an see me with their concerns.

Today, one o' me lowly swabs came an suggested that the ship would be better run if the crew could 'ave more of a say in things. 'Ee wants me to set up a "crewmens council", where all matters relating to plunderin' an pillaging could be discussed, and duty rotas set out in a more fair an proper manner. I listened carefully, an could tell that he be really enthusiastic about the idea, an 'ee sees hisself as a sort o' spokesman for the crew.

So what should it be Auntie - the plank or a hanging?

Yours

Cap'n Despot

E' lowly swab, eh? Nar'r have they got sumthing good to say for the ship!

Got a guillotine?


Captain Iron Red

[The Black Spot]

Oi'd take yer crew and first Oi's hang 'em. Next Oi'd keel haul 'em. And lastly Oi'd makes 'em walk the plank makin' sure they's sharks ta eat their remains. Ye can never be to careful with knaves like that.
l

Arrr...

thank'ee. All I's be needin were a bit o' common sense advice. I's a bit disapointed that there be no floggin' involved though.

[Duke]

Oi'd take yer crew and first Oi's hang 'em. Next Oi'd keel haul 'em. And lastly Oi'd makes 'em walk the plank makin' sure they's sharks ta eat their remains. Ye can never be to careful with knaves like that.
l

Arrr...

thank'ee. All I's be needin were a bit o' common sense advice. I's a bit disapointed that there be no floggin' involved though.

Yarr, flogging is approvable too. Whatever works for ya.


Duke

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

T'other day my ship wus sunk in an embarrasin incident involvin St Nick. I finds meself in need of a new ship and bein a keen reader of PlayBilge I found meself a hankerin arter the 'Arghhh 9000'. Sadly much o me treasure went down with me old vessel and I found it necessary to approach me bank manager fer a loan.

The conversation went well and I persuaded the old git that I would use the funds to invest in: 'legitemate seafarin activities in the Indies'. Sadly the old bugger then went on to mention compound interest and asked for security on the loan. Drawin the old miser closer with me hook I looks im in the eyes and sais: hows this for interest ye landlubber - showin im the scar that Captain Jean Lafitte gave me in our last set to - I tells him either he hands over the cash or he'l get a taste of the Motherinlaw's tongue (that's what I calls me cutlass).

My question be, to cut a long story short, what be the best thing to do with a dead bank manager?

[The Black Spot]

My question be, to cut a long story short, what be the best thing to do with a dead bank manager?

Arr...

If ye gets him stuffed, I think yer'll find him t' be a fine figurehead to stick on yer ship. I has a Double Glazing Saleman on the prow o' me own Arghhh 9000. It's certainly stopped the buggers knockin on me door.

[Duke]

Dear Auntie

T'other day my ship wus sunk in an embarrasin incident involvin St Nick. I finds meself in need of a new ship and bein a keen reader of PlayBilge I found meself a hankerin arter the 'Arghhh 9000'. Sadly much o me treasure went down with me old vessel and I found it necessary to approach me bank manager fer a loan.

The conversation went well and I persuaded the old git that I would use the funds to invest in: 'legitemate seafarin activities in the Indies'. Sadly the old bugger then went on to mention compound interest and asked for security on the loan. Drawin the old miser closer with me hook I looks im in the eyes and sais: hows this for interest ye landlubber - showin im the scar that Captain Jean Lafitte gave me in our last set to - I tells him either he hands over the cash or he'l get a taste of the Motherinlaw's tongue (that's what I calls me cutlass).

My question be, to cut a long story short, what be the best thing to do with a dead bank manager?

'Oi say give him cement swimming shoes. The fish 'ill eat im up 'fore anyone can find im.


Duke

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

How about talkin to those natives that shrink heads? Slip 'em an extra couple of doubloons, and see if they'll do a whole body for yer.

You could stick 'im on yer shoulder as an accompaniment to yer stuffed parrot.

YArrr...

PS Was that bank manager from that Monty Python Skit about Crimson Permanent?

[Duke]

Ya could shrink 'im, and feed 'im to the parrot!


Duke