The Second Book of Penelope
The Rule of the Colander
* As transcribed by Medusa Maro and Cap’n Pizzocchero
1 Three times the Sun went up to brighten the sky and three times came out the stars in the darkest night. 2 And yet Penelope remained tucked away in the Stripper Factory, 3 supposedly looking at the collection of etchings of the cute guy, 4 and hidden from the eyes of her people. 5 It so happened, that at dawn on the fourth day, the Pastafarians gathered spontaneously in front of the Factory, 6 some still sleepy, others eating breakfast, 7 and most still trying to recover from the drunkenness of the preceding days.
8 It was past eleven when the Factory doors opened 9 and, taking long steps, Penelope came out into the open. 10She was wrapped in a bed sheet of the whitest colour, 11and the morning breeze caressed her long black tresses, making them undulate in a noodly fashion. 12 Her face had an expression of peace and well-being, 13and her lips smiled softly. 14Her eyes, on the other hand, had deep, dark circles.
15Penelope got up on a bench in the middle of the square, across the Factory, and with a firm voice she addressed her people. 16 “Brothers and sisters, I come bearing a message of great joy!” she exclaimed. 17“I have seen the way of the Great Noodly Appendage! 18 I have also been touched!” 19Upon hearing these words, the Pastafarians who watched her were greatly rejoiced 20 and started talking amongst themselves, and screaming with joy, 22and they danced together and embraced and kissed each other.
1 The following day, Penelope organized a great spaghetti feast, and everyone was invited. 2 The beer from the Volcano was cold and flowed generously. 3 The pasta was cooked al dente, the meat sauce was delicious, and slivers of parmesan cheese fell upon everyone’s plate. 4 No one’s mouth remained without drink. 5 No one’s belly remained unfilled.
6 When all had drunk and eaten, Penelope resumed her talk. 7 “I have been thinking long and hard about the injustices that afflict the world because of the foolish and the unbelievers”, she said with a serious demeanour. 8 “From today on, I promise I will live my life in a new way, according to a Rule that I have imposed upon myself, and that I shall now dictate to you. 9 The Flying Spaghetti Monster shall be my witness and only in front of Him shall answer for my actions.” 10 There was great silence, broken only by a woman with curly and rebellious hair, who shyly asked “Shall we take notes?” 11 Another man, who wore an eye patch, asked: “Could you give us the PowerPoint file later, please?” 12 A child in the back, raising his hand, asked “May I go to the restroom?” 13 And so, everyone took a twenty-minute break, and meanwhile the female strippers served hot coffee, and the male strippers served cupcakes.
14 After the coffee break, Penelope restarted her speech and dictated the Rule that is transcribed next.
The Rule of the Holy Colander
1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster teaches us that the Universe is nothing but a mere whim of His. 2 As such, even if we have been touched by Its Noodly Appendage and we recognize Its Tasty Truth, 3 all other religions and all other fairy tales should be regarded as equally valid by the eyes of men. 4 No one who believes a different tale, or believes in none, shall be discriminated against. 5 From today onwards, I will devote myself to ensuring that they are all respected and treated the same, 6 independently of their beliefs, or of whether they refuse to believe in any gods 7 and choose to be guided solely by reason and science.
8 The Colander is Holy, because it reminds us that the Flying Spaghetti Monster boiled for us and for our sins. 9 Furthermore, the Colander, when used as headgeaer, is a symbol of the protection that the FSM grants our brains 10 against the prejudice and stubbornness of the foolish and the bigoted. 11 Its holes remind us that our minds shall remain open, 12 and they help keep ideas fresh when it is hot outside. 13 The Colander is the throne from which the Flying Spaghetti Monster rules. 14 The FSM is in our heads, and our heads are in the Colander, 15 since our brains shall reign supreme over our actions.
16 I shall proudly carry the Holy Colander over my head 17 every time I have to speak out against religious discrimination, 18 or against any intolerance and injustice caused by religion. 19 I shall wear the Colander when I show up to Government and Public Administration facilities 20 if these apply unequal or discriminatory rules towards those who follow religions other than the predominant ones 21 or to those who believe in none; 22 if they grant favors, offer privileges, make exceptions, 23 or promote laws or policies that are based in a particular religious creed 24 and as a result disfavor those who believe in another or who have none.
Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is... what the it really is... is freedom.
— Jack Sparrow