Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

^ Yarrr pieces n' Willyum... yer know e's on weakend detenshun fer thart - hanimal crewelry or pubic hindecency or thee loike? Hunless it be sommat new?!

'E does thee Crocodile Hunter [may Thee FSM rest 'is sole] thing, jumpin on 'em frum 'is shippe and resselin them suggestivlely loike, ownly 'e wears a skimpy loincloth hinstead o'karkees. They 'as 'is pictcha up at awl thee Natshunal Parks bannin 'im enter!!

Oil ave ye noe oi dosint aproof ove all Davys bidniss praktices . But oi luvs 'is intooseyasum!

[anthrobabe]

Whot be the latest news on who be the father of me 3rd ale wench Molly McHenry who runned off with DaveL's bosuns mate name of Flick-- me knows ole Flick lost his flick if ye gets me during tha last pirate 'ow many bands o rubber can ye fits on it challenge. Hit fell off. 'E canta be de fadder.

[black bart]

Fifty Shades of Lady Jane Grey Shocks Portsmouth

A new novella published by a retired member of Madame Fifi's staff has scandalised the Portsmouth Public and Press. Set in the 16th Century the novel (which I haven't even looked at, honest) apparently tells the seductive tale of life at the Royal Court. I managed to get a synopsis from the authoress herself who told me: "There are naughty bits in chapters 3 through to 12 and a very naughty bit quite near the end, but otherwise I have based the story on real events". I asked her if the Spanish Inquisition was involved but she said she wouldn't tell as it would spoil the surprise.

Madame Fifi is 93.

[pieces o'nine]

On thee Waterfront

Olde tymers tho't they scene hit awl, but Portsmouf never seizes t'hamaze. Thee hinflux ov pirates wiv moor sofistickated ways an darin fashun statements inishally caused quite a stir. But fings as settled back down arfter rumors ov a 'ogs'ead o'rum on thee cap'ns tabbe at thee pubbe 'as won over even thee moste suspishus locals.

But now thee local takeaways be servin sum newe craze: Redde Cowe McSammitches. Fish head stoo sales be plummetin, wiv one delingkwent yoof sayin, "Fish'ead Stoo be soooo last milleneeum yo." Worse, no one 'as seen hyde nor wigge ov Bart Hindustries since thee newecomers arrived, leadin t'wilde speculashuns ov fowl play, or even that "Black Bart" an "Oz Nick" be wun an thee sayme cos ye nevver sees'em in thee sayme place at thee sayme toime. Arrrgh hintrepid reporters be sparin no hexpense t'huncover thee story...

[DaveL]

DaveL Plans to Invade England

In a disturbing development today, a slightly bedraggled castaway turned up in Portsmouth Harbour, screaming incoherently that DaveL and his scurvy bunch will be invading England in July 1714. 'YArrr, now Margaret Thatcher has left the building, there be now stoppin' him' he screamed!

The entire UK Dugong population will be relocating to Iceland in readiness for his impending visit.

[Griffin]

If this far feched rumer be troo, the peeple o' Portsmowth 'ad better be gettin' owt the barrycades and start collectin' brikks and ovver 'efty throwin' items. As fer Madam FiFi, she'd be wise ter organise fer her stafff ter 'av 1714 off.

[DaveL]

YArrr...

Tis true matey. Oi might 'ave to make a special detour to Portsmouth - for purely sight seein' reasons of course!

[pieces o'nine]

Dogge Days of Springe Afflict Portsmouth

Thee dogge days of Springe have struck thee Northern Latitudes, and Portsmouth is a paragon of inactivity as a result. Mayor Keith Liversausage is allegedly planning a Spanish expedition just to keep thee lads busy and out of trouble. Bart Industires is getting ahead of thee curve, hinting at a tantalizing product line for expediting pirates, and promising to unveil thee new division within a week.

[Ravi Oli]

Whaaarr be thee soshul pages an' letters to thee Edita? 'As been wintery, wet an' windy down 'ere so bin stayin in port. Oi took thee wench ta thee theater ta see thee new play "Sea Trek - inta Darkness". Thee lads get inta a few foine stouches but theys wear sum funny poncy clothes. Thar shyppes downt looks loike theyd flowt less move as Oi didn't see any sayls. Oi downt know wot contynents they visit coz thars a few native troibes Oi've neva seen! Twas predicktable tale thart wuld 'ave been much betta an' more loively wiv sum 'alf nekkid wenches an' rowdy drinkin scenes. 3/5

[Ravi Oli]

Cap'n Roy was foined 10 dubloons and 'ad 'is pee-pee smacked wiv a cold spoon for hunsolysitted pinchin thee bums of Madame Fifi's girls. Wen arsked 'ow 'e pleaded, 'e 'ad sayd "Oi pleads insanity Milord... Oi'm crazy abowt 'em!"

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

Deer Erdifter,

Yer curry-spoon-dent misr Gravy Olly dint go ter sea o fillum abowt sea truck - thee owlee mowvie ee witchin wurr this wun



Fank ye, ye welkum.

Dreedit pyrit capn Nef Yoo Bluckbeer (aij 3)

[pieces o'nine]

In a prepared statement to thee press, Cap'n pieces o'nine's spokesfeline, Dom "thee Danger" Catte announced:

"Cap'n pieces o'nine and Mr Flynn, whilst remaining close friends, have pursued entirely separate business ventures since Mr. Flynn left thee Mad Moggies Revenge to become an hacktor.

"No questions.

"Thank you."

[Ravi Oli]

Aye tis well nown 'ow thee scowndrel tutched soft spot in yer 'eart an' otha places. Ye culdn't 'ide 'im b'neath yer skirts fereva.

[black bart]

Arrr good ol Flynnn...he really knew owe ta get outta payin his bar tab.

[pieces o'nine]

Arrrgh, oi lernt from thee beste...