Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Dear Stinky Pants

Didn't yer deeeeeeer ol muvver tell ye ta take a bath at least once a year...whether ye needs it or not.

I should be grateful me Agony Auntin is on a distance comoonikashun basis!

[Griffin]

Dear Anty Black Puddin'

Wy is ther such a lot o' nastee smells in 'ere? Me new pet dog wot I got "just" fer Monkey wer all confused. (That wer befoor 'e 'ad ter be put down fer Twelth Nite. )

Yoors

Lordy Lord Earl Treadmill-Surplus-Rapping-Paper

[black bart]

Barrrgh Humbag...me croo are ALL dogs...if I could get rid of em I would.

[Ravi Oli]

Aye bart an' yer crue be complainin' thee same abowt thee wenches ye've been bringin home laterly...

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Oh deary me...I never thought Bart would stoop ta dognappin!

I think we needs anuvver one to one session a la 'Sopranos'. I will tease out Bart's deep psychosis if it kills me.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Deer awnty bleckbeer , Thet blaggert Bart be say in oi gived 'im a bad rap .

He be rune me repatashun ! Oi neffer gives ' im nuffin !

Wot duz ye sujjess oi do fer revenj ?

[Ravi Oli]

Willyum olde prawn 'eads in 'is land-shyppe's airvents be a toime 'onoured payback downunder.

[black bart]

Send 'im a fresh herring by Ye Royal Maile, Speschiul Delivierrie. By the time it gets there it'll be green mush.

Arrgh yer blaggard...ye be givin im ideas!

Oiv already ad that trick played on me by thee croo...me cabin started smellin right royal fishy an at first I thought it be normal loik. But as thee days went on thee smell became hunbareabubble and, trustin me highly tuned nose I followed thee smell to me soap and smellies drawer, which was a bit stuck due to lack of use, but when I finally pulled it open... thee drawer was full of dead crabs!!!!*


*Actually happened to myself and a colleague when we shared an office...some bastard stuffed (well hidden) an opened pack of salmon down the side of my colleagues desk...after a few days the stink was over powering! To this day we have no idea who did it or why (we suspected the cleaners as our office was always a mess).

[OZ_Nick]

Deer Arenty Blakbeerd, Oi bin away from the poirates' cove fer a wyle and Oi'm not sure wot wuld bee th' proppa protokoll fer showin me bone-a-fydes aroun tyhese 'ere parts theese dayes. Shuld Oi offer ter make a fresh batch o fish 'ed stewe wiv red cowe sandwitches onna syde, or shuld Oi offer to run frew enny wun wot fretenns ter make sum? An wuld it be a goode idea ter put an 'ogshead o' rum on me tab at the Scurvey Dog? Oi jess doan noe what ter doo. Kan ye 'elp?

[pieces o'nine]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard:

Some blaggarrrhd as bin hattemptin ter "show 'is bone-a-fydes". Natcherly, this be scarin thee chilrun, de-moralizin' thee patrons at thee pubbes, and puttin thee staff at Madame Fifi's orf theyre stroke. Wot does ye suggest?

-A Consirned Pyrate

[OZ_Nick]

Deer Arentee Blekbeerd,

All th' littel kiddies 'ave been runnin away from me wen Oi bin walkin down th' streete. Wen Oi goes inter the pubbe, no wun wantz ter have a gallon of rum wiv mee. An, wen Oi goes inter Madam Fifi's there seems ter bee sum sort of disterbense that makes it verra hard fer me ter concentrate. Shuld Oi stop lettin the albatrosses makin nests in me beerd? Culd it bee th lichen growin on me frock coat? Oi fort Portsmouth was an hequal hopportunity den of iniquity, can ye make enny suggestions as to how Oi kin fit in betta?

Konfused

[Griffin]

Dear Unacceptanble Persun

Oi serjest you get over to The Portsmouth Make-Over Studio and smarten yerself up.

[Ravi Oli]

Deer Oz_Nick
Dair Oi sez it but ye happears ta be awlmost ova qwallyfied fer hostin' a kiddies show on thee BBC.

[black bart]

^

Arrrrgh...I be hupset about them pointin thee finger at Cap'n Rolf Harris (a fine beard as hever a was worn)...although now we knows wot he was goin on about when he menshunned his Digereedoo an his hextra leg.

[Ravi Oli]

^ Yarrrrggghhhh 'e did warn em ta tie 'is kangaroo down tho. They'll tan 'is 'ide wen e's dead, Fred, an leave it 'anging on thee shed now.

'Ow as ye been bartie? Oi fer one 'as missed yer feeble attempts at 'umour, wit 'n sar-chasm... Jest jokin matie... 'ope all tis well with thee