Corrupt a wish.

[S'presso]

Granted, softer tissues are implemented right after your nose is too damaged for them to do any good

I wish I had learned to type properly instead of using only one finger to type on my right hand..

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

Granted. You now use only one finger to type on a keyboard.

I wish I could read without these damn glasses.

[Sentinel]

Granted. You have to clean the floors with a teethbrush.

I wish I wasn't sleepy.

[daftbeaker]

Granted. You're off your tits on a combination of amphetamines. You take a handful of benzos, diazepines and drink to bring you back down to normality but start having this really weird dream about aliens in spaceships that look like civilian airliners. Then you write a book and sue anyone who (correctly) calls you mental.

I wish Scientologists weren't so stupid.

(Evidence for the Prosecution)

Edit- Punctuation.

[bacon]

Granted. Due to an excellent marketing campaign, passionate lobbyists and financial backing they are now the most powerful group on the planet and have staged a military coup taking over the majority of North America. It is now illegal to not be a Scientologist.

I wish I was motivated to do some work today.

[Scott the Pirate]

Granted, but what you're motivated to do is commonly referred to as "genocide" and you must be stopped at all costs.

I wish that the gf would stay away a bit longer so i can post more.

[Ubi Dubius]

Granted. She's now my GF and she's not coming back.

I wish Ubi Dubium doesn't read this.

[farfalla]

granted - drinking gives you a much worse hangover so much so that you stop drinking and find out your life is not worth living if you must face it without a skosh of scotch so you drink anyway and have a cronic debilitating hangover

I wish I could tell you all how great the last few days were - well, I can not -

[Scott the Pirate]

Granted. You can and cannot. If it's that filthy send it in a pm....

I wish that i'd gotten the sh*tty job i just interviewed for....

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

Granted. You are now the official outhouse cleaner at your local State Park.

I wish my arm would calm down and stop bothering me.

[daftbeaker]

Granted. It hangs limply by your side until you jab it with a fork.

I wish I'd done the laundry sooner.

[bacon]

Granted, but all of your clothing has shrunk down 8 sizes. The good news is, you don't have laundry anymore.

I wish that my allergies would clear up before I left for my weekend vacation.

[Scott the Pirate]

Granted, but you're now so sick that you can't leave the house.

I wish that there were more atheists around here.

[Ubi Dubius]

Granted. Being atheists, they are also 100% immoral, so kill you and eat you. They laugh. You go to hell. They have deathbed conversions and wind up in heaven, where they kill and eat my fundy brother's soul. Yayyy!

I wish there were more atheists everywhere.

[Scott the Pirate]

Granted, but they are all the pushy in-your-face kind. You hate them as well.

I wish that i could decide what to have for lunch.