Piratic Poetry

[pieces o'nine]

A Pome fer thee Honnerin ov Black Barrrt
Hupon thee Hokashun ov 'Is Swashbucklin an Plunderin fer Arf a Senchurry

AARPin Birfdaye t'ye!
AARPin Birfdaye t'ye!
AARPin Birfdaye, ye disrep yutabull Welsh blaggarrrd!
AARPin Birfdaye t'ye!

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Hip hip hoorargh!
Hip hip hooragh!
Hooragh-gargly-argh ARGH!

ARGH!

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

'appee birfdai, likkle Bart..
'ave sum cake (butte, pliz, no fart!)

adorable in dat jyint 'at
munchin' biscuits, dipped in fatte

while onna table, da candle's burnin',
ya eat too much, tummy's churnin',

try it calm it? yes, you do..
no wanna make a mess an' spew

butte lose it at da crack uv dawn
(Eos's Techni-colour yawn..)

an' e komo mai(welcome) t' almos' middle-age, bruddah..

[black bart]

Cheers mateys...me aktual birfday aint til Thursday but I had a rip roarin Piratey party on Saturday Noight. I got sum hexellent presents eg 'A Bottle o Laphroig' and a Blue Ray version of The Dark Knight (none o ye Scumsoft rubbish). No Debbie does Dallas but ye can't ave everyfing.

I thought I wuz lookin good for me age ...until I saw the photos in the mornin!

That blaggard the Black Spot gave me a Pirate board game (similar to Mousetrap but wiv tiny pirates) wot we attempted to put togevver in an extremely drunken state at 2am!

[DaveL]

Happy Birthday Barty...despite me flu, Oi was thinkin of yers all. Send me regards to the gang.

[black bart]

Happy Birthday Barty...despite me flu, Oi was thinkin of yers all. Send me regards to the gang.

Cheers again matey...I forgot ta mention the Fish Head Stew...wiv real Fish Heads! It was uncanny really, the Pirate Board come to life.

I'll be postin some photos in PlayBilge...unless I gets a better offer from 'Hello Sailor' magazine!

[DaveL]

We only do nude photos in Playbilge. Do you mean you have some?

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Argh, ye eldarrly blaggard ye, oi hopes ye 'ad a good swig o' the rum fer me!

[black bart]

We only do nude photos in Playbilge. Do you mean you have some?

Arrrgh ye mad matey...twill destroy the readership!

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

We only do nude photos in Playbilge. Do you mean you have some?

Arrrgh ye mad matey...twill destroy the readership!

Oi dunno 'bowt that... the vermin that chew on thee edges'll send readarrship up by 500 percint!

[pieces o'nine]

'Ere be a roight festive karrel t'sing on Carrie Oakie Noight at thee Benbow:


"Yarrrgh!" thee Portsmouth Pyrates sais,
"Oi'll sail thee hoshuns awl me dayes.
Hattackin Spanyerds shippes so bolde,
Releevin 'em ov awl theyre gold."
Joyefulle, awl ye pyrates raze
Yer grog-filled tankerds hup in praze.
Wiv yer peglegs tap thee beete,
Oar if ye've got'em, tap yer feete.
"Yarrrgh!" thee Portsmouth Pyrates sais,
"Oi'll sail thee hoshuns awl me dayes."

Don we naow arrrgh jyint 'ats
Thee latest fashun, ware hit's at!
Fassin on arrrgh black oipatches
Afore we battins down thee hatches.
Pollishun hup arrrgh trusty hookes
Shure to draw hadmoirin lookes.
Pleased to run hup arrrgh barrrgh tabbe
(TH wille paye, sech a goode lad!)
"Yarrrgh!" thee Portsmouth Pyrates sais,
"Oi'll sail thee hoshuns awl me dayes."

Drinke a toaste ter maytes so neare!
Drinke a toaste ter maytes so deare!
Drinke a toaste ter long-lost frens
In 'opes we sees 'em soon agayne!
Drinke to maytes so far awaye
Ware hits noight hinsted ov daye!
Drinke a toaste to cabbin bouys!
Drinke to thee wenches ye henjoys!
"Yarrrgh!" thee Portsmouth Pyrates sais,
"Oi'll sail thee hoshuns awl me dayes."

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

^

"Bugger Santa an' da elves
Toss dere ree-maynes inta cells!

Libby-rate da reindeer churls
'N' pay 'em orf with gold an' pearls

Take da sleigh 'n' alle its booty
Includin' pies an' cake dat's fruity

Kiddies get da pick uv toys..
Swords fo' pyrate grrlz 'n' bhoyz!

Skull 'n' Crossbone rugger kits
to give der opponents fits

Butte save da best for last, mee 'earties..
An' sing da followin' (at parrties!)

Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger.."

[DaveL]

Constable Timmin's Trouser Enhancer

In the Portsmouth rear lane I once did roam...
and over back fences did peer...
At the beautiful vege patch gardens...
And mighty zucchinis of old Mrs Dear...

Both long and lean was her prized patch...
a winner at the Portsmouth town fare...
But for some it was much more impressive...
and I got a mighty great scare...

When walking the lane one evening...
and over back fences I did see...
something green, blue and elongated...
that didn't look like a tree...

For there in old Mrs Dear's garden...
Constable Timmins wearing a strange thing...
That looked like something quite Freudian...
I'd seen worn by some old Tudor king...

Next time I chop a zucchini...
My mind shall wince with great pain...
As I think of Constable Timmins...
And what his trousers have gained...

So next time you're near Mrs Dear's garden
Just make sure that it's safe to peer in...
Because you might catch Constable Timmins...
Enhancin' his trousers again...

[black bart]

With the greatins o the season
I give ye with no rhyme or reason
Raise yer tankards full o grog
An gaze out accross the fog

There be no more splendid sight
Than Portsmouth on Xmas Night
With it's splendid coloured lights
An Madame Fifi in her tights

We'll all munch our mince pies
An adjust our manly thighs
As we regale our wondrous tales
Whilst the wind doth fill our sails

Tis a merry band o rogues
Wot all look a bit loik the Pogues
We can all raise a beemin smile
Tho there aint a tooth fer miles

So it's a Happy Holiday
There's one more thing to say
Will ye have a tot o rum
With a gang o scurvy scum?

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

WalkThePlank 'as left 'is wig
'angin' onne a Yule-tyde twig

'e's covered 'is skull wit' 'olidaye lights
an' donned a pair uv sparkly tights

to lurk abaht in 'opes uv meetin'
a wench t' snog (if only fleetin')

Saucy Gert, wot gotte 'is number
smacked 'im silly wit' some lumber

causin' our bruddah 'TP
t'gette all sadde 'n weepy

Bartie's ratte saw summat amiss
an' squeak'ed outte:"Gibbous ah kiss!

Around da ratte, Plank's arms was flung
into Plank's mouth, a ratty tongue..

(Chorus: EEEUUUWWW!!!)

(Oi! dis ain't no storee fer da kiddies,
sittin' rapt in townes an' cities..

so wee muste away, leavin' Plankie
snufflin' gentlee into 'is hankie)

MORAL: (suche as it iz..)

Wen yer snoggin', bee more savvy
an' no go Frenchin' Bartie's avvie!*

*an' keepe yer friggin' wigge onne, ye daft buggah!