but enough of me land-lubber talkin, ON WITH THE PIRATEYNESS!
CHAPTER ONE
Once, before the time of the great Beards, or even of Sir Francis Drake, there was a pirate, feared more than fear itself, and his name was Mad Jack the Deadly.
But this story is not about him. It involves him, but he was kind of a jerk. This story is about Fearsome Pirate Pete. Pirate Pete was your average Pirate, a little more brawn than brains, but still very clever. He sailed with a captian by the name of Smithee in the Caribbean. Smithee often left the crew guarding this ship while he went into town, occaisionally coming back with some reddish sauce-like stains on his mouth. The pirates, being simple-minded as they were, and the captian was rather sophistaced, they figgerd it was some kind of food. Or blood, they weren’t quiet sure, but when ever any of the rookies asked about it, he gained 582 and a half lashing, so they kept them mouths shut.
One day their captian did not return in five hours, which was long enough to announce him legally dead in the Caribbean at that time, so Pirate Pete and his best mate, Tiny, the Midget, decided to search for him. They found him in the alley behind an itallian grog bar. On his dead chest was a lone noodle. Pete instintivly ate it, and started feeling dizzy. His first thought was it was poison, but soon an image of the FSM came into not-so-clear view. he heard unto himself a voice like no other saying, “beware, for the atkins is after your kind.†The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung.
He woke up to gun fire and shouting. “whart the hells going on?†Tiny, being a canadain replied, “Mad Jack’s pillaging, eh.†“well get the bloody hell off me and start looting ya scavras swab! We’ll stow away on his ship and sail there.†Pete said this without thinking, as usual, but what he did not know was that his words were guided by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. “ow’d you know our old crew left Eh?†“they did? THOSE DAMN BASTARDS!†Pirate Pete then went on to loot in a raving madman fashion.
They did stow away on his ship, and blended in quiet well. They made good conversation with the second mate, Nikta. One day, after about a month of pillaging islands, Mad Jack came out of his cabin to talk to the crew. “In light of me first mate’s death, me second mate’s now me first mate. But who’ll be my second mate now hmm? You there! Yer not one of my pirates! Where the hell’d ye come from†he pointed at Pete. “d’ahar, ah confess, me and me bro stowed away fer we were left behind when we got… uh… drunk at a bar somehwheres.†“WE’LL YER ME SECOND MATE A SCALAWAG! NEXT TIME DON’T BE THINKING ABOUT STEALING AWAY ON ME SHIP YA HEAR?†“aye cap’n.â€
CHAPTER TWO
At Petes appointment of second mate, Nikta shared with him a secret. A secret of Pasta. He showed him the way of pasta. He showed him all of the great meals, Spaghetti and meatballs, macaroni, ravioli, Penne, and all other sorts.
Then one fateful night, the captian, his mates, and a few servants, were eating Pasta in a really good diner just two blocks down from 31 flavors on… oh right, the story. Suddenly, there was a flash of lights, centered around Mad Jack. He began shaking uncontrollably, and then fell face first into his pasta. “shame… it was a good Penne pasta…†Pete Said, regretting the waste of the Pasta. “you know why he died?†Nitka asked Pete. “nar. But’d be great advantage te know wouldn’t it?†“yes… it would. And I know why he died. he ate too many carbs. I believe we should switch to low carb foods.†Pete had a sudden and un-provoked lapse of suspision of Nikta. He tried to remember what that Spaghetti thing had told him… Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Nothing. He re-wound it and played it again. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta eht rof, eraweB. Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Still nothing. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta- he stopped thinking. He found it. “Yer not one of them evil folk are ye?†“no, no, whats evil about not dying? Or getting fat. Trust me, I learned from this book on the Atkins diet.†“THAR! HE BE EVIL! EVIL! He didn’t die from Too much carbs, he died from too LESS carbs! Yer just tryin’ te kill all us pirates!†Nikta proceded to explode. In his place rose a gaint serpent. “Just eat the low-carb pasta. It’ll be good for you. you wont be fa-aat†he said “fat†with a bit of a tune, “come with me, and you live a life of happiness! You will lose 10 pounds in the first week!†“no! ye be evil! EVIL! MAY HIS NOODLYNESS PROTECT ME!†upon these words, the Spaghetti and meatballs Pete was eating rose up, and gained more mass and eyestalks. And Lo! It was the Flying Spaghetti monster! “be gone foul beast, eradicate these Pirates, protected by me, no more. Remember, foul Atkins, although it was an accident, I put you into this world, I can take you right back out.†Atkins Hissed with great remose, and crashed through the window, diving into the sea “ye… Ye are thar Great Spaghetti Monster. Ye saved me.†“what can I say? I’m omnipent, its what I do. Hasta La Pasta Petey†“Ne’er call me that EVEr again.†the flying spaghetti then fell to the floor, and Pete felt the great presence leave. Pete then ate the Pasta. For it was good.
In the morning, Tiny came in to check on Pete, and found him lying asleep on a huge pile of Spaghetti. “what the hell are ye doing, eh?†“yar… I believe I was dreaming of a grog volcano… ne’er mind.†Tiny looked around, and saw the pasta, the dead captain, and the exploded body of Nitka. “as ye can see, Cap’n Jack is dead, from seizures, and Nikta exploded.†Pete said. “totally unrelated events eh?†“eh.†Pete said. “what ye be meaning, eh?†“well, they weren’t totally unrelated. A Flying Spaghetti monster killed Cap’n Jack fer eating low-carbs, and Nikta for feeding it te him.†“eh… good story.†“uh… aye. Better go tell the crew.â€
When he finally got the crew assembled, seven hours later, Pirate Pete announced what had happened, and how he was the new Captian, and Tiny was to be his first mate. “what about the second mate, eh?†Tiny said to Pete. “yar, good’n ideer.†Said Pete “enie minie miny moe…†Pete said to himself. “you there!†he called out, pointing to a paleish Pirate with a horned helm and a hammer. “wharts ye name?†“they call me Ushnor the Great and Awesome†Pete’s eyebrow raised itself skeptically “ye think yer high and mighty…†“eh?†added Tiny. “I got the title because of my hammer. Everybody started calling me Ushnor the Great and Awesome after I smashed some guys head open in a bar one night.†“yar. Me likes yer style. Yer me new second mate.â€
question, comments, concerns? i can always make edits, I am completetely prepared to re-word almost anything. if anyone thinks a line could be re-worded, and make a good quote, tell me and i shall change it. later on in this thread i will have a list of good quotes from the book of FPP i have already. I put this in chapters, divided as by when i've posted them. I will probably keep them that way, but just for posterity, quoting will ignore them, so it'll be like "The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung" Pete 3:7.
you don't have to clog up the thread by saying "love it, can't wait for next" (no offense). ye could say that, but only with a question, comment, or concern. I already know ye think its a work of art better'n Shakspeare.
RAmen
emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
