The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)

[The Black Spot]

The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)
By our showbiz correspondant: Sicko Fant



Welcome one and all to this, the 157th Jim Lad Award Ceremony. Here, in the sumptuous surroundings of the Portsmouth Municipal Hall, the cream of Portsmouth's piratical society has gathered for a glittering night.

As I look around me, I am amazed by the wealth of piratical talent that is gathered here under one roof this evening. Over there, that wizened old chap gumming a fishhead - that must be Black Bart! And there - that shiny head could only belong to Walktheplank! Oh look - over there is a huge hairy man in a charming little pink number!

There are many categories for us to get through this evening, and plenty of acceptance speeches. And so, as Mayor Keith Liversausage takes to the stage to present the awards, we start this years JimLad awards!

[DaveL]

And the first award of the night is for Best Actor in a Continuous Piratey Tale which may or may not have Salt in it.

And the nominees are...

[The Black Spot]

There was a hushed silence as the nominations for the best actor in the salty tale was read out (mainly because everyone had appeared in it at one time or another). Mayor Liversausage read the list in a thin nasaly whine:

"The nominations are...

1. Big Ron
2. The Deaf Nurse
3. Pirgella Lawson
4. Bustling Brian
5. Cap'n H
6. The talking green potato

And the winner is..."

[black bart]

Arrgh...by Neptune, this be excitin! Tis the most excitment Portsmouth's had since Big Brenda streaked down the high street!

Who's the winner, come on matey!

[DaveL]

3. Pirgella Lawson - for her ever wobbling blanc manges, cooking skills and her always evolving romances wif 1/2 the Portsmouth pirate population. Come on down Pirgella!!

Shsh let her give her speech...

[pieces o'nine]

Pssst: stall fer toime! She still be wroitin her speech...

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

That's me, not her. Did ye like the face waxing job they did on me beard? Geez it hurt!!

C'mon Pirgella, get on wifs it!

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Pirgella strides up the stage, knocks Mayor Liversausage of his feet with a well aimed punch, turns to the microphone and says:
Well, I won the award. So piss off an' go home!
Which is received with tumultuous applause. Pirgella leaps down off the stage, and storms back to her seat.

Nobody discovers why she was so grumpy after winning the award.

[tanguerra]

Pirgella breasts up to the microphone, like the multi-media superstar that she is. Her hair gleams in the spotlight, only slightly less than her pearly whites as she turns on the domestic pirate housewife superstar megawatts. She is wearing, what is that? No, it's not, is it? It's a Galleano evening gown. Ruby red satin, cut on the bias, in the way only Galleano knows how, with a plunging neckline to make grown men cry. It's no wonder Galleano is known as 'el Maestro!' in all four corners of the known world.

"Ahem!" says Pirgella....

[black bart]

...I'd like to thank Dave L for supporting me in a big way...

[The Black Spot]

...and for having such a big hand in my business. At first, I didn't think I was ready for such a challenge, but DaveL held me close and said to me "Pirgella, I can see that you have it in you" and then he..."

At this point, Mayor Liversausage ushered Pirgella back to the Salty Tale where her innuendo wouldn't be so noticable. He was handed another envelope.

"The nominations for the most long winded posting are as follows...

[black bart]

Waltheplank can be seen adjustin his wig and his parrot, and takin a big swig o grog in preparation for his acceptance speach wot he already has written on a huge, ten foot roll of parchment.

[The Black Spot]

"The nominations for the most long winded posting are as follows...

1. Walktheplank for too many tales to itemise
2. Chow Mein for "Pirate Chef on the High Seas"
3. DaveL for the "Tiddles" saga
4. Oz_Nick for "Portsmouth Public School"
5. Black Bart for the "cloning" saga.

And the winner is...

[pieces o'nine]

:: switch to camera 3 ::

We go now to a live, on-the-scene report from showbiz correspondent Sicko Fant:

"Here it comes, ladies and gentlemen, and what a sight it is, a thrilling one, just a marvellous sight, all of the nominees for 'Most Long-Winded Posting' are coming down from their tables, in anticipation, right toward us, and towards the stage. The mighty lungs arghing, the peglegs biting into the Turkey carpeting and throwing it back into assembled crowd like bilge rat corpses...

"No one wonders that their ships can travel through the world's waterways at such speed with these powerful pirates behind them. The setting sun is striking the Lucite panels of the awards podium on the port side of the dais and sparkling like glittering, stolen jewels against a background of black velvet...

"They've burst into a scuffle! Get this, Charlie, get this, Charlie. Get out of the way, please, oh, my, this is terrible, oh, my, get out of the way, please! They are swinging their fists and wielding their cutlasses and the crewe from each faction are firing pistols and falling from their mooring masts and crows nests and all the folks we...this is one of the worst catastrophes in the world! Oh, some of them were a hundred feet into the sky, it's a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen. The aisle is soaking in blood and spilled rum, now. Oh, the humanity!

"Mayor Keith Liverpool has signaled the Attending Portsmouth Police, who have moved into the fracas and broken it up. The nominees are being frog-marched back to their seats...

"The crewe have been ordered to quickly swab the walkway and return -- immediately -- to their posts or be thrown out the door....

"It looks as though order has been restored, waiters are again fetching drinks, and the crowd turns back to the dais to hear this year's winner announced for 'Most Long-Winded Posting'. Back to you."

[tanguerra]

Mayor Liversausage brushes back his comb over and straightens his frilled dicky front on his shirt.

"Thank you gentlemen of the Portsmouth constabulary for once more" (here he looks over his glasses at some certain members of the audience and gives them a meaningful look) "restoring order to our great city.

"As I was saying, the winner of the Most Long Winded Tale is...