Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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pieces o'nine
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby pieces o'nine » Wed May 04, 2011 10:07 pm

Deare Hedditor:

Oi bin waytin fer a followup story on that rap-scallion Black Bart, but nuffink. Nuffink! If oi'm gonna keepe payin yer outrayjess subscripshun raytes, oi hexpecks moor 'bang' fer me 'buck', loike, in these tryin' heconomick toimes.

Now on to a real news tippe: oi 'as resieved a personal message from ArrrghBay, axin' me to fill out a hinterminable onloine form, descroibin' enny deals wot moight 'ave gone awry wiv sum lubber naymed "fishstewpot" wot be peddlin dodgy-lookin dubloons. Oi suggests ye droppe yer pointlesse whisperin campayne against Black Bart an Bart Industries, hex speshully if yer not goin' t'print enny moor juicy rumors, and hinsteade get on this "fishstewpot" brew-ha-ha.

Signed, a Concerned Catizen-
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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Fri May 06, 2011 8:35 am

21 Gun Salute For Admiral Twisted Sister not loud enough
(and not enough guns :guilty:)

Admiral Twisted Sister, Second in command of the Fleet after the First Sea Lord and a woman known to have the 'ear of the King' was left fuming last Wednesday as the occasion of her birthday went uncelebrated by the Fleet Command.

Admiral Twisty (as she is affectionately known to her crew from the way she likes to use a twisted rope on their backs if they look at her sideways) is reported to have swept across the poop deck like a Tornado sending Jolly Jack Tars scuttling for cover.

However it turns out a 21 gun salute had been fired in honour of the Admirals Birthday but the sound of the guns had been drowned out by the noisy revelry from the Admiral Benbow after rumours circulated that Black Bart had been shot by 'Ye Speshul Forces'.

Portsmouth has a history of failed birthday celebrations one of the most spectacular being last years attempted celebration of Mayor Keith Liversausage's birthday when the salute guns inexplicably aimed live ammunition at the Town Hall.

Article Sponsored by Bart Industries in Conjunction with Ye Piratical Haccident Helpline.*

*If you have been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault (or shot by Speshul forces or a mis-directed 21 gun salute), fill in your details below and one of our friendly advisors will call to discuss making a compensation claim on a no win no fee basis.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Thu May 12, 2011 6:22 am

New Long Winded Tale starts Spate of Head returning

A new Long winded tale, purported to be 99% true has began a spate of foreign booty and memorabilia being returned to their countries of origin. 'The Shrunken Head' tells the gory tale of a Maori Warrior's head put on display at a Portsmouth Hostelry. The head has since been claimed by it's relatives and this has sparked a campaign by Mayor Liversausage to have other objects returned to their original homes.

So far the Portsmouth Museum of Stolen Booty has refused to return the famous 'Taichi Marbles' stating 'he lost them, he can come and get them back.' Headless Jim, crewman of the Black Pig refused to comment and Black Bart has dumped four thousand tons of Fish Heads back into the harbour.

Mayor Liversausage said although the campaign was reciprocal there was no way he wanted any deported convicts coming back, we've got enough scum as it is.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby TwistedSister » Thu May 12, 2011 9:25 am

black bart wrote:21 Gun Salute For Admiral Twisted Sister not loud enough
(and not enough guns :guilty:)



I just now saw this. Not sure if I should feel flattered or :blush:

At least I made the headlines! :haha:
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby TwistedSister » Mon Jun 06, 2011 9:31 am

Parton launches pirate dinner show

Dolly Parton has hoisted the Jolly Roger on the South Carolina coast with the opening of Pirates Voyage, the new dinner theater show that takes the place of her popular Western-themed Dixie Stampede in Myrtle Beach.

"We just needed to do something new and different," the singer said Friday, in town for the first show in the production that features actors portraying pirates and mermaids and also has real horses and sea lions.

(true article)

:fsm_yarr: Way to go Dolly!
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Mon Jun 06, 2011 9:37 am

Yarrgh Dolly'd make a foine figur head fer a shyppe she would...although it moight cause thee shyppe to unbalance.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby DavidH » Mon Jun 06, 2011 11:42 am

Aaargh - ye be wantin a fightin ship, not an icebreaker.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Tue Jun 07, 2011 6:59 am

DavidH wrote:Aaargh - ye be wantin a fightin ship, not an icebreaker.


Aye matey, Dolly would certainly maik a goodlee Ice Breaker at a party loik...hencouragin comments such as "Blimey look at the size o them, they be stickin out further than a bowsprit!". Love is loik a butterfly? It would take a crane ta lift her into me hammock!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:07 am

Austrian driver's religious headgear strains credulity

A very creditable attempt but Where was his pirate gear?
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby DavidH » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:17 am

Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Fri Jul 15, 2011 7:24 am

DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Tigger_the_Wing » Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:23 am

black bart wrote:
DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.


I regularly ride my bicycle wearing my pirate gear. I tie my hat to the top of my helmet. And my wheelchair has pirate flag and stickers, and a cutlass in each of the rear wheels. Both my bike and my wheelchair have a pirate teddy-bear attached.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Mon Jul 18, 2011 5:25 am

Tigger_the_Wing wrote:
black bart wrote:
DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.


I regularly ride my bicycle wearing my pirate gear. I tie my hat to the top of my helmet. And my wheelchair has pirate flag and stickers, and a cutlass in each of the rear wheels. Both my bike and my wheelchair have a pirate teddy-bear attached.


Now all ye've got to do is move to Austria and get an Austrian driving license.

PS I've written a comment on thee brave bloke's blog.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:41 pm

hatenshun!!
hatenshun ellybuddy
um
rrrrrrrrrrrr
um
um
i no gunna b tha fissil broomasser no moor
now i b tha fissil stawipmasser !
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
fank ye ye welkum
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:54 am

Under Age Worker Forced To Take the Coats at Madame Fifi's Shock

In a dawn raid the Porstmouth constabulary, affectionately known as thee Bow Legged Runners, have made a shameful discovery at Madame Fifi's Gentlemen's club.

A young lad calling himself 'Nef Yoo Blackbeard' was found to be in the employ of this establishment and was in charge of the cloakroom. Whilst the young lad was employed he was not paid a wage but 'helped himself to the contents of people's jackets' in order to make the enterprise profitable.

The young lad's guardian, a Mr Bartholomew Bart, was ordered to take the little blighter into his charge and it is expected that a heavy fine will be levied against the proprietor. When asked if he had seen any of the 'goings on' at the well known knockinge shoppe, Nef Yoo replied: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I seed thee Chief Constable an his men comin an a goin at least twice a week an Uncle Barty spent all his treasure in one week.

The case continues.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.


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