PlayBilge Magazine and Centrefolds

[The Black Spot]

That reminds me, I never did receive the inflatable cabin boy I ordered.

[black bart]

That reminds me, I never did receive the inflatable cabin boy I ordered.

Aaaarrgh yes...the inflatable cabin boy by 'Aaaargtell'...there was a design fault on the first batch, they forgot to add the bendy knee joints and the voice was Korean.

[The Black Spot]

WHAT'S ON?

Our weekly roundup of what's on offer in the cinemas this week.


BARTACUS (7hrs 3min)

Historical drama based on the legendary chefs' rebellion in 74BC. It tells the story of Bartacus, a lowly cook who objects to the menu set by his master Wiggus Wiggus. At least there's a happy ending when Bartacus gets nailed to a stick.


SPOT OF THE ANTARCTIC (1hr 20min)

A stirring story of heroism, comradery, and bravery in the most terrible of conditions. Oh, and a bit of cannibalism thrown in as well. And a couple of slit throats.


THE DAVEL RIDES OUT (2hrs 13min)
An evil magician, a forbidden book, and a pink dress. Can our hero stop the descent into madness? No.

[black bart]

I'm Bartacus!

[black bart]

Dear Editor o Playbilge

I went an spent hard earned Dubloons on seein that film wot you recommended:

THE DAVEL RIDES OUT

I aint never been so confused since I went to see 'The Codfather' wot was supposed ta be about a family fishmonger business but ended in total carnage and pile of fish heads.

This film completely lost me when the main character, an Aussie bloke wearin a pink dress, surrounded himself wiv a circle of Rum bottles to ward off an attack from an evil Tea Drinking sect lead by the malevolent Reverand Redbeard.

The film is supposed to be based on the best selling novel 'The DaveL May Cry' by Dennis Weevily (Walktheplank's step dad), but it's nowhere near long enough at 5 and a half hours and clearly ignores chapters 200 through to 500.

[The Black Spot]

Arrrr... me own favorite part o' that film were when the Evil Tea Drinker summoned up a monstrous skeletal figure in a nurse's uniform. Luckily fer our hero, this demon couldn't hear very well, an attacked the wrong target instead. I think this creature were called "The Angel of Deaf".

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Do ye think there will be a prequel and sequel? Oi still be wantin to know if me Dad was a heavy breathin, helmeted, megalomaniac that wielded a light sabre.

[black bart]

Playbilge Book of the Month:



Weevily's latest tale of Black Magic and Skullduggery features satanic Primates, a tribe of naked Pygmies and a boat load of Shipwrecked Blondes. At 6000 pages it is rather short for a Weevily novel but if you've been collecting the rest of his work you'll be running out of shelf space anyway. This month we'll be featuring a new 'Live book reading' session at the Admiral Benbow where Christopher Lee will be reading excerpts from the novel whilst we attempt to conjure up Captain Cronan and The Great God Pan over a bowl of punch.

[The Black Spot]

Book Review

Satan Is An Utter Cad by Dennis Weevily (666 pages, 13 groats)

The acknowledged master in the field of wealthy aristocrats battling the occult, Dennis Weevily gives the reader another dose of his uniquely terrifying storytelling. The reader always feels a mounting sense of dread whenever they pick up a new Weevily. The feeling of horror continues as the book is opened, and remains until the book is safely back on the shelf again.

In this, his latest tale, the Duke de Richbastid learns that his good friend Count Sponger has purchased a legendary book - The Necroplankicon, and the Duke is horrified to learn that Count Sponger is planning to stage a re-enactment of one of the terrible stories contained within the Necroplankicon's accursed pages.

Duke de Richbastid's attempts to stop the production of this play is thwarted by the evil magician Monocle, and so he enlists the help of Lady Longfrock and two-fisted adventurer Harry Bigchin.

After several plane journeys and a few rides in some Bentleys, our heroes confront Monocle in a big house with lots of servants in a British colony.

A worthy addition to any collection of Weevily.

[black bart]

Readers Feedback

"Absolutely Fantastic Playbilge...I say chaps, this is more like it...are there any more books in the Duke de Richbastid Trilogy?"

Tim nice but Dim of Fairfax Hall

"The Island of the Devil Monkeys is the scariest book I've read since Wednesday"

Lady henrietta Farquhar

How many virgins do I need to sacrifice to summon Satan?

Lord Baskerville of the Hell Fire Club

[pieces o'nine]

Jest a frenlee remoinder to me fellow sub scroibers t'Playbilge...

Thee first ov thee munf be huppon us an oi jest *appen* t'ave anuvver pitcher or too ov me ole cabbin bouy, Errol, t'submit fer centrefold iffen nun ov ye blaggarrrds maykes any efferts t'foind sumwun else...


har har har

[black bart]

Aaarrrrgh...bleedin photographers...I never trusts em. I told em ta get me a centrefold o Moby Dick an he lets some tart get in the way of Moby's winnin smile:

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

My, whut shiny whites ye got, Moby!

[DaveL]

MISS SEPTEMBER

Name: Mrs DaveL

Occupation: Full-time Mermaid Impersonator, Occasional Dugong Impersonator

Likes: Hanging out rocks, Playbilge centrefold work, Beguiling Sailors, Gourmet Sea Grass

Dislikes: Hallcinating Pirates, Bart Industries Synthetic Seagrass, Women dressed up as dugongs acting sexy

Where will you be in 5 years time: Well if the sea grass business gets all trendy. I'll be settin up a juice bar real soon.
If not, I've got this bloke in a pink dress bringing back gold to keep me happy.

[black bart]

Where's her bleedin sash then matey? Miss September indeed!