An Arrrbjective and Balanced Comparrrison of Modarrrn Weaponry to Piarrratical Weaponry
Arr! Oi've spent some time in yon mystical land known to the pirates of the Intarrrnet only as "Real Life." And in this 'ere land, thar apparently be some landlubbin' youngstarrrs who be thinkin' that theirrr newfangled technology kin best ours. Since this be obviously false, Oi've spent houarrrs researrrchin' all these 'ere gadgets, and am 'ere to prove how miserarrrbly pathetic they be.
Now, this 'ere be Portly Jim. He be ouarrr test dummy.
Victuals be a key part of sustainin' life. Now, when we pirates be cookin', unless it be pasta, we be in a perpetual fight with our grub. So, what be the landlubbers' primary weapon 'gist food? I introduce to ye...
The Silicone Spatula
Now, when we need ter wrestle with our food, we simply use the hook! So, what be the effect of each on Portly Jim's arms?
The Spatula leaves a little red spot on the right arm.
Portly Jim won't be usin' this arm no more!
Now, Oi be walkin' along, when I sees two little young'uns duelin' with these, tryin' ter hit each other:
So, Oi wonders what they be doin' with such little things, when Oi realizes: They be trainin' for when they kin join some landlubber equivilant of a scurvy crew! These must be the newest secret weapons!
So, lesse what they does to Jim's legs:
Leaves a nice little bruise...
Now, if'n Oi be duelin', Oi use a rusty cutlass. But that ain't fair. These be blunt objects. So, Oi thinks to meself, what sorta blunt object would a pirate use...?
What happens when Jim's leg gets hit with the mast of one of me old ships
Now, as Oi searched, Oi started gettin' the impression that these weapons weren't quoite so effective. So, Oi decides to go foind some REAL swashbucklin' gadgets. ARR!
Now, I'm sure ye all are fond of the ol' cannon. But see here: They went and miniaturized it!
Now, at first Oi was delighted wit this 'ere discovery, but then Oi tried it out on Jim. Seems the power decreased wit the size!
Whoops - got 'im in the eye. Ye olde warnin' label
did tell me not ter do that...
Now, here be how a REAL cannon works! ARR!
Makes me feel all warm an' fuzzy just thinkin' 'bout it.
Now, with this 'ere aresnal, what do ye do in a scuffle 'ginst 'er Royal Navy? Well, Oi say it all depends on the ship. Now, it seems to me that mosta these 'ere landlubbers sail this sorta contraption:
So, what happens to Jim 'ere if we drives this thing into him at 20 knots or so?
Ooh! First soign of any true damage. Sever traumarrr all ovarrr, and bit o' blood where the ribs popped through
Well, this may foinally have some potential! But just to be sure, Oi sailed me Galleon into 'im.
Ahahahahaharrr! Split roight down the middle! ARRR!
All this testing led me to one invetarrrble conclusion:
Pirates Own Landlubbers. ARR!