Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[amenabletopasta]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Arrr! Oi be going bald, so Oi got hold o' some o' that "Mickey Dolenz Hair Restorer". Oi's been taking it fer a few weeks, but Oi reckons that maybe Oi be sufferin' some side effects. What d'ye be thinkin':



Perraps if Oi parted me hair on the other side, nobody'd notice?

Yours in wonder at the genius o' Eclectech,

Cap'n Nailbiter

[Griffin]

Dear Cap'n Nailbiter

Oi got to hand it to you.

Cap'n Treadmill.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Nailbiter

Ye's ne'er looked better. That there potion must be workin', yer even started t' grow hair on the end o' yer hook.

[black bart]

Dear Capn Nailbiter

Hair's not all what it's cracked up to be anyway - especially when it's all gingery!

[Griffin]

Dear Auntie Blackbird

Me cabin girls are all demanding bromide. What be this?

Cap'n Treadmill

[Dr. Otis Lansa]

Dear Captain Treadmill,

Bromide be what the yanks call "Mountain Dew"... it be full o' bromenated vegetable oils! Or they's be wanting a hot tub on board...

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbird

Me cabin girls are all demanding bromide. What be this?

Cap'n Treadmill

Arrr...

this be an old ruse. They's not not be wantin any for themselves, they be plannin to put it in yer grog.

Get yer own back by givin 'em a big sack o' Vitamin E an Kolaloka lemonade tablets, an tellin 'em it be bromide.

[Griffin]

Dear Auntie Blackbird

Oi got this new-fangled email installed on me ship but it's jammed up. Some other Cap'n be tellin' me 'e 'as fixed me good and proper wiv sendin' down a 300 Gig. picture to me poop box. Now Oi's cut off from me Cap'ns group an' I be losin' a mint o' gold seein' as Oi'm all at sea wot wiv not gettin' the daily treasure maps. You should warn them other Capn's not to be usin' the poop box. This is not a hoax.

Cap'n Treadmill

[DaveL]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Me and the lads 'ave had a rather aupicious journey round the Cape of Good Hope. Our ship has been followed by a rather large albatross, a symbol of good luck in these dangerous waters.

The lads have been tossin this bird, who we nick named 'im 'Albie', scraps so that he'll keep followin' our ship. Problem is, Albies been crappin all over me polished timber and me Poop Deck is covered in poop. YArrrrr....

Should Oi arrange for a bit of musket practice on Albie, or will a rubber cork solve the problem?

Kind Regards,

Capn Guano

[afteryoudieyoucrpyourself]

Dear Aunt
I like a salty band named The Cure but all me shipmates call me a pussy cause one pot ead says they slit thar wrists what should I do kick him in thar goolies?

[Dr. Otis Lansa]

Dear Aunt
I like a salty band named The Cure but all me shipmates call me a pussy cause one pot ead says they slit thar wrists what should I do kick him in thar goolies?

'Ave the blaggart walk the plank, as the band dictated:

"Into the sea, you"!

Oi'd 'eartily recommend listening to the much saltier Clash instead of the Cure, poirticularily the earlier shanties, which should 'elp with cultivateling a more rollicking image.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Me and the lads 'ave had a rather aupicious journey round the Cape of Good Hope. Our ship has been followed by a rather large albatross, a symbol of good luck in these dangerous waters.

The lads have been tossin this bird, who we nick named 'im 'Albie', scraps so that he'll keep followin' our ship. Problem is, Albies been crappin all over me polished timber and me Poop Deck is covered in poop. YArrrrr....

Should Oi arrange for a bit of musket practice on Albie, or will a rubber cork solve the problem?

Kind Regards,

Capn Guano

Arrr...

the old albatross conundrum be a tricky one. Ye can't shoot the blighter down 'cos ye'll end up wi' the thing hangin' round yer neck fer the next hundred years. Ye'll also get Black Bart's luck wi' ships.

Perhaps next time he lands on yer deck for a few fish heads, ye could lassoo the bugger. As I said, ye can't afford to kill 'im, but with a long length of string an a splint across 'is wings, 'ee could make a fine kite to follow yer ship.

[black bart]

I say get one o yer scurvy crew to scoop the poop - it'll make a tasty ingredient for the stew when ye can't get any Fish Heads!

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Blackbeard,

Should you use a grenade tipped or standard harpoon on Big Brenda?

Kind Regards,

Capn Sushi Bar

[black bart]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard

I has a four piece band on board my ship called 'The Bilge Rats' and they be's aboard to knock out a merry tune for the lads and improve moral. The only trouble be they insist on Playin 'Nearer my god to me', every time we set sail. How can I get em to play somethin more cheerful?

Yours,

Captain J E Smith