Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Durin our dockin' in Vladivostok recently, a rather shifty character named Igor boarded our ship. He was clad in atomic reactor clothin'. Igor asked us if we'd considered upgradin' our cannons to fire plutonium tipped warheads for that "added" advantage. He said he could sell us some really cheap weaponry.

As Oi be a "nuclear free", "stop global warmin' koind of pirate" Oi be wunderin should Oi spend me dubloons upgradin' 'The Cranky Crusteacean' to fire radioactive penetration devices?

Yours sincerely,

Capn Oppenheimer

Arrr...

This "Igor" bloke, did 'ee be wearin a Chelsea football shirt? Ee be on me ship once, offerin ter take me to the top o' the pirates division.

Those fuel rods be no good fer piratin'. On the one hand, they be sinkin everthing like it weren't there, an no Royal Navy ship'll come near ye. The downside be that any treasure ye capture will have to be buried fer 700 years afore ye can spend it.

Yours

Cap'n Fallout

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

I too am on my way back from Russia (Moscow). Ze weather is rather chilly (-42) and most of my soldiers have frozen to death. Should I make a stop at Vilnius where I hear zer is a rather good hotel or should I carry on to Warsaw?

Votre amie

(this is the last time I pretend to be) Napolean

[The Black Spot]

Dear Napoleon

it is of the utmost importance that you push on. Time lost now cannot be made up later. Don't worry about losing a few troops, I'm sure they were past it anyway.

Your good friend,

Arthur Wellesley

[black bart]

You've had Paul McKenna on board for a session aswell haven't you?

No matter I look forward to obliterating your inferior English forces at some future date - just don't bring those dirty sausage eating Prussians along to the party....

Votre chere Corsican Frere

(really getting fed up of pretending to be) Napolean

[beagle]

Perhaps you should retire to an island somewhere. But watch out for the arsenic in the wallpaper. Or the soup.


By the way. in future remember what General Montgomery said about Vietnam.

"The U.S. has broken the second rule of war. That is, don't go fighting with your land army on the mainland of Asia. Rule One is don't march on Moscow. I developed these two rules myself."


YAAAAAAARRRR

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard

Afters I been through a sinkin, a failed mutiny an a general good ol' fashioned purge during the last few weeks, I's be finding that I's be short o' a few crew members.

In an attempt t' go a bit up-market, I's decided to have a grog tasting evening as part o' me recruitment drive. Me etiquette ain't what it were though - so can yers remind me Auntie, what be going best with cheese: a weevily biscuit or maggoty bread?

Yours

Cap'n Bucket

[Griffin]

Dear Cap'n Bucket

I's meself hav found yer Dipped Parrots does go lovely wiv the cheese.

Cap'n Treadmill.

[Duke]

Perhaps you should retire to an island somewhere. But watch out for the arsenic in the wallpaper. Or the soup.

And perhaps the servants.

Oh, and assassins.


Captain Duke

[amenabletopasta]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Last week Oi decided ter get rid o' Ragu - me pet parrot - in favour o' a different animal. Oi was sailin' the seas o' northern England and managed ter pick up a white monkey. It be lookin' good on me shoulder, an' at first Oi was very pleased with 'im, especially when the little rascal started singin' songs!

It turns out that it be an ARRRctic Monkey, the species responsible fer the navigational-chart-topping song "Oi's bet ye be lookin' good on the poopdeck". Whilst the scamp's singin' be causin' a lot o' amusement in the local taverns, after seven days o' the hairy swab's non-stop ditties Oi be close ter gnawin' the mizzenmast.

Garrr! Oi be thinkin' o' strappin' a grenade ter 'im, but me ship-mates be frownin' on the idea. What be the most ethical manner o' disposin' with an unwanted simian? And how can Oi be persuading me parrot ter come back ter me?

Yours,

Cap'n Mardy Bum

[Griffin]

Dear Cap'n Mardy Bum

Oi still be 'avin me crew round me neck an' no time to mesel'. Oi'd be glad to feed yer' monkey to me crew so's I could slip away fer a bit. Me parrot's been an' got a Lady Parrot in a spot of truble so Oi'd be leavin' you a new parrot in return - but it'd need trainin' up.

Cap'n Treadmill

[DaveL]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Durin' a recent victorious naval engagement off the Bretagne coast with Le Napoleonic types, Oi damn ran out of cannon balls. If Oi see the Tricoloeur loomin up on the horizon again, me ship is a goner. (Although if we are captured, the cooking is bound to improve!).

As Oi be a recycling, ecologically sustainable type of pirate, Oi be wunderin if yer had any alternative projectiles Oi can fire at the Bloody Frogs.

Alternatively, should Oi just resort to Continental insults to do the job?


Yours sincerely,

Capn No-balls

[Duke]

Dear No-Balls,

Recyclable? How about aluminium?

I'd stick to the insults, though.

Truly,
Captain Duke

[black bart]

ZUT, ZUT Alors I cannot trust anyone zees days - zat fool Admiral Villenueve has lost my entire fleet and a bunch of Spaniards to boot in a battle with some One Eyed, One Armed Roast beef called Nelson...zen just when I am feeling low - a big pirate ship called the AArghh 9000 sails by shoutin things like:

Oi froggy - is that a surrender monkey on yer back? and other less repeatable insults involving Garlic and Crustacions.

Dear Auntie

Are there any jobs in the pirate brethren for a retired frog Empereor?

Yours

Captain Napolean Solo

[walktheplank]

ZUT, ZUT Alors I cannot trust anyone zees days - zat fool Admiral Villenueve has lost my entire fleet and a bunch of Spaniards to boot in a battle with some One Eyed, One Armed Roast beef called Nelson...zen just when I am feeling low - a big pirate ship called the AArghh 9000 sails by shoutin things like:

Oi froggy - is that a surrender monkey on yer back? and other less repeatable insults involving Garlic and Crustacions.

Dear Auntie

Are there any jobs in the pirate brethren for a retired frog Empereor?

Yours



Oi don't think I will be imploying any frog pirate on moi ship loike. Problem is, when it coms to the heat of the battle they aften get beat. My lads are all from Bristol and don't know when they are beat, good swabs all of em though not a brain cell between them.

Having said that oi might have a job for u, I have a vacancy for a ship chef on account I med the last one walk the plank fer poisining me cat. No fancy food loike, the rum is for drinking and not to go on the food.

Captain Napolean Solo

[black bart]

OK, I will sign up to be ze Ships Cook - I do a very good, how you say, beouf in ze Wellington...

Vat is the pay and conditions - I would like ze 5 weeks holiday and luncheon vouchers.