Piratic Poetry

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

On thee twelf daye ov krismuss ol Cronan gayve t'me:
Twelv lads a-propo-zishin-in'
Leven DaveL's dancin
Ten pyrates foightin'
Noine heckstra di-menn-shuns
Ate ale wenches pourin
Se'en subscripshuns ta Playbilge
Six cutlasses a-gougin'
Foive treasure chests
Foure callin birds
T'ree lily-livered Frenchmens
Two Turtleholmes an
A parrot ninja out t' git me.

[pieces o'nine]

On thee twelf daye ov krismuss ol Cronan gayve t'me:
Twelv lads a-propo-zishin-in'
Leven DaveL's dancin
Ten pyrates foightin'
Noine heckstra di-menn-shuns
Ate ale wenches pourin
Se'en subscripshuns ta Playbilge
Six cutlasses a-gougin'
Foive treasure chests
Foure bo'tls ov Rum
T'ree lily-livered Frenchmens
Two Turtleholmes an
A parrot ninja out t' git me.


Thankee, lads! Yer goode werke disserfs a round ov Capn's Delight wiv Brasso Chasers!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
For me Newe Yeere's Razerlooshuns, oi will stop puttin awl ov me drinks on Turtlehome's tabbe. Oi aint sayin zackly whooz tab oi *will* be puttin 'em on hinsted, so ye shood tayke this as a fare warrrghnin, me foine lads...

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

For me Newe Yeere's Razerlooshuns, oi will stop puttin awl ov me drinks on Turtlehome's tabbe. Oi aint sayin zackly whooz tab oi *will* be puttin 'em on hinsted, so ye shood tayke this as a fare warrrghnin, me foine lads...

Argh, oi fank ye, fank ye. An in response, oi willnae gouge yer eyes out.

[pieces o'nine]

For me Newe Yeere's Razerlooshuns, oi will stop puttin awl ov me drinks on Turtlehome's tabbe. Oi aint sayin zackly whooz tab oi *will* be puttin 'em on hinsted, so ye shood tayke this as a fare warrrghnin, me foine lads...

Argh, oi fank ye, fank ye. An in response, oi willnae gouge yer eyes out.

An heare oi wuz, warin me best gnu oipaches an awl fer the gnu yeere...

[black bart]

A holiday
A holiday
And the first one of the year
My head feels like a coconut
Skewered wiv a spear

(wiv thanks to Fairport Convention)

[fueledbycoffee]

Touched By His Sweet Love Noodle (A Hymn to His Glory)
By Fueledbycoffee

Layt lasht nite, ahs aye uhndressd,
I fownd meself gentull curessd,
Tuched by hehs sweet luv noodull.

Ah fehlt ah slimeh noodle
Ahs aye uhncuvvered mah caboodle,
Layt lasht nite, ahs aye uhndressd.

Ah fehlt teh highesht buzz,
Ahs ef et werr a druhg, Ah wuzz
Tuched by hehs sweet luv noodull.

Ah gashpd alowd, ahs tha' noodull dun
Teh shtuff yeh'da hahdda pay estra fer eevunn in Ceylon,
Layt lasht nite, ahs aye uhndressd.

Eht wrapd ehtself arown' me (peg)leg,
An' thun eht drahgd meh off tuh bed,
Tuched by hehs sweet luv noodull.

Eht breeffly wuthdroo, An' ehn ah few,
tha' sawcy noodull starrrted anew.
Lait lasht nite, ahs aye uhndressd,
Ah was tuched by hehs sweet luv noodull.

[black bart]

Oh dat's beautiful...hinspired matey.

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

<sniff> <wipes tear from eye>

<too moved to speak>

[Cabbage]

Gather weary travelers,
I have a tale to tell.
It might just save your lives but only if you listen well.
'Cause there before the breakers
And just around the way,
There's a sign that says,
"Beware The Beast of Pirate's Bay!"

Some say he's a guppy a kid threw in the sea.
He ate so many sailors, now he's bigger than a tree.
His teeth are sharp as scissors
His claws, they are like knives.
And if you think he's ugly, wait 'til you see his insides!


Oh, don't you sail and don't you row and certainly don't you swim,
'Cause if you aren't careful you'll end up inside of him.
He'll eat you up, he'll spit you out. You'd better stay away.
Heed the sign that says, "Beware the Beast of Pirate's Bay!"

Some say he's a serpent that came straight from hell,
He came to eat the souls of pirates and other ne'er-do-wells.
Some they don't believe it, as for me I've got a hunch.
'Cause they used to have some pirates here.
But he ate them all for lunch!



Well, Captain Hook, you've heard of him, he came to Pirate's Bay.
It seems his little nemesis had nearly got away.
He reached into the water to grab at Peter Pan.
There was a crunch and a scream!
And now that scurvy captain's got hooks on both his hands!


Well, Blackbeard the Pirate, you know for what he's feared.
It's mostly for the dark, imposing color of his beard.
He saw the beast and now nobody's scared of him because,
His beard turned white and all agree,
He looks like Santa Claus.



Well, now the tavern's empty and there's only you and me.
And if you care I'd like to share how this song came to be.
So come a little closer if you really want to know.
This very sad and woeful tale happened so long ago.

Well, I was just a little boy when I went to Pirate's Bay
And there I saw a creature that was very much dismayed.
With a harpoon in his dorsal fin and a hook stuck in his side,
This mighty whale was in such pain, we both began to cry.

I pushed and I shoved, but he wouldn't give way
Into the deeper waters off our shallow Pirate's Bay.
All I could do to help him was to keep people away,
So I wrote a sign that said, "Beware The Beast of Pirate's Bay!"
And what did it say?

Don't you sail and don't you row and certainly don't you swim,
'Cause if you aren't careful you'll end up inside of him.
He'll eat you up, he'll spit you out. You'd better stay away.
Heed the sign that says, "Beware."
Hell I should know, I put it there!
Heed the sign that says, "Beware the Beast of Pirate's Bay!"

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

That's awesome. You need to write socially relevant satire songs. Gimme lyrics and I'll do the music.

[fueledbycoffee]

Not bad, not bad at all.

[Cabbage]

Our Chinese cook,
he grabbed all he could took,
He say, "no storm is stoppin' me!"
he made fricassee of a sea anemone.
Down at the bottom of the sea.
I turned to my first officer and i said,
"what have you got to say to me?"
well, he turned and said, "im in over my head."
down at the bottom of the sea.

A she-Kraken,
lurkin' under my men,
looked up at their legs hungrily.
She counted eight so she thought she found a mate.
Down at the bottom of the sea.
They kicked and they fought but it was all for naught
'cause she just wouldnt set 'em free.
She had them taught in a tight sailor's knot.
Down at the bottom of the sea.



Some men call to GOD, when their number's up.
Some cry for their mums.
I just lement all these barrels of wasted rum!

Seaman Shaft, we all knew he was daft.
His story dont end happily.
He drifted by with a fishgig in his eye.
Down at the bottom of the sea.
Down at the bottom was treasure galore,
but gaurding it so greedily was an angry horde of skeletons with swords
down at the bottom fo the sea.



Down at the bottom of the sea
we're at the bottom of the stuck at the bottom of the deep,
dark, crazy-assed fish dwellin',
between the devil and the deep blue sea.

[pieces o'nine]

Oh wen thee sun beates down
An burnes thee crewe up on thee deck,
An yer feets get so hot
Ye wish hit were cold as heck.
Unner thee mains'l,
Owt on thee sea-ee-ee-ja,
Wiv me cutlas an oipatch
Tis ware oi'll be.

[Unner thee mains'l] out ov thee sunne
[Unner thee mains'l] oi'll be 'avin sum funne.
[Unner thee mains'l] steerin me shippe
[Unner thee mains'l] taykin no lippe.
[Unner thee mains'l, mains'l]

Frum thee bilge ye 'ear
Thee 'appy sownd ov splish-splashin rattes.
Ye kin almost taste
Wot thee crewe will slip to thee cattes .
Unner thee mains'l,
Owt on thee sea-ee-ee-ja,
Wiv me cutlas an oipatch
Tis ware oi'll be.

[Unner thee mains'l] out ov thee sunne
[Unner thee mains'l] oi'll be 'avin sum funne.
[Unner thee mains'l] steerin me shippe
[Unner thee mains'l] taykin no lippe.
[Unner thee mains'l, mains'l]

[PantyGnawer]

Oi ad a little wiggly worm
From wence and forth it swayed
Then Oi ate the stew bart brought
Now me worm just lays

[black bart]

Marvelous, these are all fit for the Necroplankecon.