LETTERS

[Solipsy]

My Brother and Sister Pastafarians,

Now that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has formed and gained True Believers, it is natural that some of you will become missionaries on behalf of the CotFSM. Sects of your converts will form which may go astray, commit heresies, or become sadly misinformed. As such, when a True Believer writes a LETTER explaining or clarifying official doctrine to put the "wrong ones" back on track, it probably should also be included here, and it should contain a reference to the original issue it is clarifying.

We already have Our Holy Prophet Bobby, To Whom the Flying Spaghetti Monster has manifested Him/Her/Itself, and to whom was given permission by His Holy Deliciousness to perform the task of revealing our formerly secret belief in the original set of indisputable facts regarding Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. If Bobby said it, particularly in the Open LETTER, Pastafarians world-wide know is to be held as the gold standard of Canon: Mountain, some trees, midget/midgit... Anything else that came from Bobby’s words is also canonical: Beer Volcano & Stripper Factory Heaven... Friday is the Holy Day... Flimsy Moral Standards... Pirate/Global Warming correlation... Must dress in full pirate regalia to teach the truths of the FSMism... Talk Like A Pirate Day is our High Annual Holy Day. These are indisputable.

Many of the other details have now been decided, and can be found in the announcements, stickies, and other posted works adjudicated by the Council of Olive Garden. When you missionaries write LETTERS to distant or heretical sects, please reference determined Canonical information.

The LETTERS that appear here are modeled on the LETTERS in mainstream Holy Texts. Distant sects of converts can often be culturally diverse from the True Believer missionaries who converted them in the first place. Converts may find beliefs from their previous religion or culture have crept into their new belief in FSMism in a way which causes problems for the newly converted Pastafarians.

In the two LETTERS to the Macaronians, Muellers I & II, for instance, the writer is a traveling "missionary" who at some point met the Macaronians and converted them to Pastafarianism. Apparently, the Macaronians were going along just fine until some of them began to argue about whether or not FSMism contained the idea of "eternal punishment in Hell." Somebody from the Macaronian fellowship has written to the missionary to ask for clarification (that from the Macaronian member is not shown here, but rather implied), and Muellers I is the clarification received by Macaronians from the missionary in response. Muellers II is the next issue that was in dispute, and the LETTER implies that apparently, the Macaronians had been stoning one another to death over the issue in the first LETTER!!! The FSM would be very upset about that indeed! :fsm_cry: :fsm_cry: :fsm_cry: :fsm_cry: It also says that thankfully the stonings have ceased.

For purposes of writing a Canonical LETTER, a Pastafarian could imagine that the people to whom he/she is writing are recent converts to Pastafarianism, and they are writing to an FSMism "expert" for clarification of some issue that confuses them because of a previous belief their religion taught them which is very different than what Pastafarianism teaches. The resulting LETTER would be a LETTER in return to them, mentioning the issue it is clarifying, and then going on to clarify it for them.

These kinds of LETTERS can be tricky to write! The Pastafarian has to spend time becoming familiar with FSM doctrine & Canon. What, for instance, are the "Flimsy Moral Standards" all about? (the answer is in here somewhere! Look around, you'll find it.)

One of the central tenets of FSMism is that we don't mention other religious beliefs by name, or put them down. We can certainly refer to specific beliefs or practices such as awakening people at 8 am on Saturday morning to discuss the FSM, and whether that is acceptable for Pastafarians. (Perhaps the Rigatonians are writing to ask this, and you are responding to suggest that they wait until Saturday night and hit the local taverns dressed in Pirate regalia, stocked up with FSM pamphlets and enough dubloons to spring for a few pitchers of the Holy Beverages of Choice?)

You can always choose to be silly. For instance, you could imagine the "Vermicellians" have written to ask if the eating of hamsters (monkeys?) (tigers?) (zoo animals?) is acceptable. You probably wouldn't run against CotFSM Canonical doctrine to return a LETTER to them describing why feasting on the flesh of pets or endangered species is inappropriate.

If you want help shaping writing or bouncing around an idea, that is specifically what I'm here for.

The more help I give, the more doughnuts I get.
~s/s~

[Aaahhhhrrrrr]

(Re-posting this here so the old thread can be deleted.)

The name of this book is modeled on "Paul's Letter to the Ephesians" (or Corinthians, whatever). So I guess it could be called "Privateers" for short. Or, dare I say, "Privateers I".

The letter is going to discuss the origins of the Beer Volcano in heaven. It was revealed to me in a near-death experience. Seriously.

The story is not complete yet (since I have only been writing it during my lunch hour), but feel free to post feedback or even suggestions for what comes next (although I already have an amorphous idea in my head).

And yes, my last name is Ahr. This makes me a pirate by default.

Pirate Aaahhhhrrrrr's Letter to the Privateers

Chapter 1

1 Aaahhhhrrrrr, a Pirate and Pastafarian by the will of His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to the buccaneers which are at sea, and to the faithful privateers in Pasta:

2 Ahoy!

3 Blessed be yer booty, and may yer coffers never empty. May ye all be fruitful (so as not to contract scurvy) and multiply (so as to be good at math).

4 Yer last missive greeted me in the same post as a letter I received from me brother, who lives in the City of the Red Stick, recently inundated by refugees from the great storm of Katrina. I hope this explains me tardiness in me response.

5 Tis heart-warming to this humble man of the sea to know yer daughter is doing well in college. Has yer wife received a new peg-leg from the good Doctor Davey Jones?

6 Ye asked me whether I would again tell the story of the great Volcano of Beer. While I am loth to speak of it, even when it is so far in me past, I will tell the tale again, with hope that you will spread the message of His Noodliness and how the Pastafarian heaven kicks the booty of the heavens of the false gods, and I mean not the usual definition of "booty", mind ye.

7 Here is the story then, as I be rememberin' it.

Chapter 2

1 'Twas a dark and stormy night, to be sure. Me ship the Trouser Snake was rockin and knockin.

2 First Mate One-Eye Johnson had taken the helm while I went back to me stateroom to ponder over a few of me treasure maps. I had me candles and lanterns lit, but most of the light was coming through me window from the storm's lightning.

3 I was ignorant of it at the time, but I suspect the lightning was actually the many and countless noodly appendages of our Creator, may His meatballs never whither.

4 I be but a humble pirate, but truly I believe He was reaching down to me and me ship. I found out for certain when one of the blinding appendages reached straight through the hard wood of the Trouser Snake, into me stateroom, and struck me for dead.

5 I was not the first pirate to be smote before his time, and I certainly won't be the last, but from what I be hearin, I am the only one to live to tell the tale.

Chapter 3

1 I awoke in a green field surrounded by strippers. The story of the creation of the Stripper Factory is not mine to tell, and I will dwell on it no longer here.

2 Suffice it to say that The Trouser Snake and me First Mate One Eye Johnson seemed to stir within me. Perhaps I was not as far removed from them as it appeared.

3 But I be digressin.

4 I be a pirate, by His Grace and Sauce, and I like to be thinkin of meself as above fear. But I was certainly afeard of the strippers until one with a peg-leg approached me. She seemed familiar to me eyes, so when she beckoned to me with her hook, twas only a small effort to follow her.

to be continued...

[Solipsy]

some great lines and funny ideas developing here. And that you're numbering it makes you AWESOME in the eyes of a lowely galleyscribe

[Aaahhhhrrrrr]

This be the rest of Chapter 3 and all of Chapter 4.

I'll be gettin to the Beer Volcano at some point, ye titchy galley rat.

Is it getting boring? I hope not. I tried to insert some quotable lines for priests and fundamentalists to refer to, like "Privateers 3:15" and "Privateers 4:4-7". I also wonder if I slip in and out of pirate-speak.

Just as an idea for someone else to work with, "Passing the Parmesan" could be a rite, like communion. My apologies if someone already has developed something analagous to communion.

[Edited to correct spelling of midgit.]

Chapter 3 (continued)

5 She led me to a small Italian bistro, which looked like it had sprouted out of the very ground. There were no roads leading to it, no sidewalk, no parking lot. But there was a sunny patio with small, two-seat tables with checkered tablecloths.

6 The real kind of tablecloth, not that vinyl crap they have at Pizza Hut.

7 We sat at one of the tables, and a silent but efficient waiter brought me a plate of the finest spaghetti it has ever been my pleasure to sample.

8 Do ye know the bloated feeling ye get when ye've had too much spaghetti? Well I ate the whole plate of these heavenly noodles, scraped every morsel of meatball and tomato, and I was sated, but not in any physical discomfort.

9 It was the most perfect meal I have ever eaten, and it was only then that I spoke. Mind ye, not a word had been said to this point between meself and the stripper.

10 "Do ye have anything to drink that would match the perfection of what I just ate?"

11 And the stripper said, "If you are thirsty, you shall have what you desire in time. For all things come from His Noodliness, as they are ultimately returned unto Him."

12 "I be not overly thirsty, madam. 'Tis but a custom to have drink with meal. But first, I must ask, as ye speak of noodles: What have ye done to me Trouser Snake?"

13 And the stripper said, "The Trouser Snake holds firm. Your mainmast stands proud and erect, and the wood is as hard as ever. One-Eye Johnson stands full and tall at the helm, sad for the loss of his captain, but hard-set and ready to plunder booty."

14 "The loss of his captain?" says I. "What has happened to me then?"

15 "You have been touched by His Noodly Appendage. Rejoice and be glad, for unto you is given a message to be proclaimed, and a task to be done."

Chapter 4

1 I measured not the time, for at the bistro it was always early evening.

2 It may have been days that the stripper told me of Our Noodly Master and his benevolence, wisdom, and sauciness.

3 In that time she told me all that I will someday tell you, that ye may be disciples in Pasta, that ye may spread the word, and that ye may pass the parmesan.

4 Twas the Flying Spaghetti Monster that created our short friends, the midgits.

5 Twas the Flying Spaghetti Monster that created our stony friends, the mountains.

6 Twas the Flying Spaghetti Monster that created our wooden friends, the trees.

7 But not necessarily in that order.

8 There be more to it than that, but I'll be coverin it in a later letter, perhaps.

9 Though she told me much, and though I had not pencil nor paper with which to take notes, I remembered all that the stripper told unto me, including that she said "unto" a lot, so that I be usin it in me everyday speech to this day.

[Solipsy]

Privateers 1:2 "Ahoy",

You must try to be more careful. I nearly snorted Pepsi through my nose. Do you have ANY idea how painful that is? You just CANNOT go around on the boards making lowly galleyscribes laugh this hard. Dude, that is so seriously funny.

If you stop the letter writing here I will personally hunt you down and drown you in a vat of alfredo sauce. I know the Council of Olive Garden will sanction me for threatening another poster and fellow member of the CotFSM, but there are many issues which require addressing to the many distant "sects" of the church, and thus many letters that need written. You have obviously been Touched by His Noodly Appendage, have spent a bit too much time touching things slightly noodly, and are amusingly touched in the head. My kinda person.

Privateers 3:3 "But I be degressin'"

I shall submit this before the Council of Olive Garden with utmost haste. Please continue with your efforts to share your great enlightment.

I LOVE it.

[Solipsy]

Muellers I
a letter to the Macaronians

My humble apologies for my long absence from among you. I have been traveling with a group of Pirates on their ship the Trouser Snake. The Captain seems to occasionally fall into deep rum-induced revelries. This doth slow the boat’s travel no end, as you might imagine. It is tolerable, however, as he is a man of our faith and his revelries often produce tales both highly amusing and which seem inspired by Our Noodly Lord Himself, when I can parse them out.

As you know, the Pirate requirement has not come easily to me. I suffer to this day with seasickness, and a formal education doesn't exactly lend itself to the subtleties of the Pirate idiom. That, and every time I use “dem dere fancy-pants wordsâ€￾, I am threatened with being forced to walked the plank. I still struggle with the necessity to include occasional “Yarrrrr’sâ€￾, “Arrrrrrrrgh’sâ€￾, and “Yo ho ho’sâ€￾ in my speech. I have more than once had a suspicious eye cast upon me, and a few “Ya best not be none a’ them scurvy dogs o’the port authority, or ye’ll be a’hangin’ from the mainmast like the Jolly Roger’sâ€￾.

I am sorry to have indulged in recounting to you my troubles. On to the issue at hand; I can see from your letter to me that there is dissention among you as to who shall enter the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven. Obviously, the True Believers shall enter directly, and as customers in no need of reservations. They shall be asked to recount their preferences, and thusly shall those preferences be fulfilled. I am relieved that I can see nothing in your letter which indicates that this is forgotten among you.

It is most troubling to me, however, to see that there is argument among you that some sort of separate Hell, where those not of The Faith in Our Lord Glob may be thought to go upon their death. No, verily no! This is not the way of His Great Tastiness. He may be most peevish toward the non-believer, t’is true, as the many accounts of His pranks do demonstrate. He condemneth not, however, any of His Creatures to eternal torment – that is one of the many great sillinesses devised by other earthly religions! There is a place in Heaven, though not necessarily pleasant, for all His Creatures.

Well-meaning non-believers will arrive as wait-staff, with fair labor conditions, and may eventually be promoted into upper management positions. There will exist, however, no corruption among them. During their time off, they will have access to the pleasures of Heaven if they did harm unto no one. If they were inconsiderate, or broke the Flimsy Moral Standards by judging others and holding others in contempt for behavior which was none of their business, they will have to pay, and be limited in what they can enjoy. Especially nasty people will become the dishwashers and trash-collectors of Heaven.

Those who have committed great sin, crime, and harm during their time among the living will find their job assignments especially nasty, their wages insultingly low, their benefits almost non-existent, their time off especially short, their beer flat, their strippers homely, and their pasta cold and flavorless. They will have no room for advancement for many millennia.

Lastly are those who did irreparable large-scale harm to the lives of others; they will be treated most harshly. The tyrants, the conquerors, the despots, the otherwise greedy and sickeningly unfair… all these will be made to bow down to those whom they harmed. Though they will not boil in eternal torment, there will be no end to their subservience. Our Heavenly Glob instilled in them the same sense of right and wrong that He gave to others, and these people willfully chose to ignore it. For them, unkindness in return awaits.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster who is Our Lord did not create us that we might simply then be condemned for failing to believe in Him. What kind of crazy scheme is that; to bestow his Creatures with life, then to throw that life he bestowed into eternal torment? That is the way of evil deities, not good ones. Our One Who Flies and is Saucy understands that life among beings with free will, on a planet with natural systems that cause tumult, and Scientifically Intelligently Designed by a deity who is prankish and can be peevish, should not end in eternal misery. That’s insane. What kind of fool would believe such a being worthy of worship?

My Macaronian friends at Meullers, I hope this missive has cleared up the dissent among you, and that you will remain joyful in your fellowship and belief in all things Pasta and Saucy. Celebrate all things Cheesy, and find strength among one another and Our Wise and Great Noodly One Who Touches. Oh, and I forgot: Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

RAmen,
Your Scribe Solipsy

[Aaahhhhrrrrr]

Yarrrr, that be a good one . I be looking forward (but not too excessively) to making the non-believers walk the plank in jest when they collect me trash in heaven.

I be writin more of the Letter to the Privateers, but I will be postin it in larger chunks.

[Solipsy]

Muellers II
A second letter to the Macaronians

Praise be to Our Lord Glob in Heaven, and a hearty yo-ho-ho unto you, my Brother and Sister Pastafarians. I am pleased to hear that my previous missive was well-received, and that the stonings have ceased. Our Noodly One finds it reprehensible that violence be done in His Most Tasty Name. The ancient and wise prophets tell of many misinterpretations of the concept of punishment in His Noodliness’s World and the Hereafter of the Sacred Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory. This is not without cause; for our minds are small and His is Infinite. Yarrr, indeed.

Let me mention again my familiarity with the writings of ancient prophets, for it is to these we must turn for answers to the complex questions you now ask. I do not doubt that misunderstanding of this abstraction was at the root of your squabble over the nature of the afterlife, and your confusion over how souls will be sorted. Argggghhhhh, this be one of the sticky points of Our Great Stringy and Orbed One’s Creation of All That There Is: the Flimsy Moral Standards.

Arguments have ensued since the Great Creation of the Midgit/Midget as to what constitutes “Flimsyâ€￾, what constitutes “Moralâ€￾, and what constitutes “Standard(s)â€￾.
To further complicate the matter, the three words are solidified into a single phrase, with its own set of semantic confusion and argument. The errors and heresies of the past have been a result of eliminating or misinterpreting one of the words.

You will remember, of course, the now extinct sect of the Moustaciolians. Their heresy was a dismissal of the word “Flimsy.â€￾ They argued that the word was too abstract for an actual definition – too “flimsy,â€￾ if you will. They therefore disregarded it altogether, and simply went about enforcing what they regarded as “Moral Standards.â€￾ This led them to become a warlike culture, hated by all their neighbors. They were so sexually repressed they refused to reproduce; hence their current status as extinct.

A similar fate befell the Ricearonians, whose heretical fallacy was to argue against any definable concept of Morals. No activity was forbidden. If another believer looked at you oddly, you could simply kill him. As you may imagine, this led to a shortage of converts, and an ever-shortening list of followers. The Ricearonians lasted about six months.

The Couscousians have thankfully veered away from their disastrous heresy of refusing to imagine that Standards can be applied. They felt that the word “Flimsyâ€￾ was irreconcilable with the word “Standard.â€￾ Therefore, they simply had “Flimsy Morals.â€￾ The Couscousians were well on their way to dying from preventable Sexually Transmitted Diseases. A few Letters and some cases of Penicillin have since put the Brothers and Sisters back on the road to True Believership.

The Great Pastalogians and Pastapologists of the past have insisted that the three words be regarded in their entirety. They appear together without fail, in every ancient known source text. Granted, the overall concept can be easily misinterpreted, but you must bear in mind this: Flimsy Moral Standards are not the same as No Moral Standards. The Pastalogians of yore remind us that the concept of Flimsy Moral Standards must be interpreted as a whole with the “Not Commandments, Suggestions,â€￾ and various other ancient canonical texts.

So, what is it you must know, my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters? You must always keep in mind this: Whatever occurs between consenting adults and neither hurts nor involves anyone else is none of anyone else’s concern. Whatever one chooses to do while alone which hurts no one else is none of anyone else’s concern. Pastafarians should never choose to engage in behavior which is harmful to others or involves people who do not or cannot consent. Such is true for behaviors both large and small, when it is in the control of the True Believer to avoid.

Our Heavenly Sauced and Meaty One has blessed all people with knowledge of right and wrong, whether they are True Believers or not. Beware, O My Kindred Pastafarians, those who claim to have a corner on the market of morality. When you hear them start to spout off, you know the smiting will soon follow and it won’t be a deity doing it. I hope, My Macaronian Brethren, that this clears up the matter, and that you will keep the Delicious Faith with you always. Ahoy.

RAmen,
Your Scribe Solipsy

[mrfrence]

perhaps a letter from a confused preacher / door-to-door jehovas witness / etc to the pastafarian congregation? im thinking about it in my head, but if someone wants to write it first then go ahead...

[Solipsy]

To get an idea of how these letters are structured, please read the first post of the thread. The letters that appear here are modeled on the letters in mainstream Holy Texts... I'll try to give a summary here: usually in such case, a distant sect of converts which is culturally diverse from missionaries who converted them in the first place, finds that some issue from their previous religion or culture has bled into their new belief in a way which causes problems for the members of the newly converted sect.

In the two letters above for example... the writer/missionary is addressing the Macaronians... The writer is a traveler, a "missionary" who at some point met the Macaronians and converted them to Pastafarianism. Apparently, the Macaronians were going along just fine until some of them began to argue about whether or not FSMism contained the idea of "eternal punishment in Hell." Somebody from the Macaronian fellowship has written to the missionary to ask for clarification (that letter is not shown here, but rather implied), and Muellers I is the clarification that the Macaronians received from the missionary in response. Muellers II is the next issue that was in dispute, and the letter implies that apparently, the Macaronians had been stoning one another to death over the issue in the first letter!!! The FSM would be very upset about that indeed! :fsm_cry: :fsm_cry: :fsm_cry: It also says that thankfully the stonings have ceased.

For purposes of what you suggest, you could imagine that the people of whom you are speaking are recent converts to Pastafarianism, and they are writing to an FSMism "expert" for clarification of some issue that confuses them because of a previous thing their religion taught them which is very different than what Pastafarianism teaches. The resulting letter would be a letter in return to them, mentioning the issue it is clarifying, and then going on to clarify it for them.

These kinds of letters can be tricky to write! You have to spend time becoming familiar with FSM "doctrine." What, for instance, are the "Flimsy Moral Standards" all about? (the answer is in here somewhere! Look around, you'll find it.)

You can always choose to be silly. For instance, you could imagine the "Vermicellians" have written to ask if the eating of hamsters (monkeys?) (tigers?) (zoo animals?) is acceptable. You probably wouldn't run against CotFSM Canonical doctrine to return a letter to them describing why feasting on the flesh of pets or endangered species is inappropriate. Shocked

One of the central tenets of FSMism is that we don't mention other religious beliefs by name, or put them down. We can certainly refer to specific beliefs or practices such as awakening people at 8 am on Saturday morning to discuss the FSM, and whether that is acceptable for Pastafarians. (Perhaps the Rigatonians are writing to ask this, and you are responding to suggest that they wait until Saturday night and hit the local taverns dressed in Pirate regalia, stocked up with FSM pamphlets and enough dubloons to spring for a few pitchers of the Holy Beverages of Choice?)

If you want help shaping writing or bouncing around an idea, that is specifically what I'm here for.

[Solipsy]

I cut the above post up and used part of it for the first post of this thread, so if you read it, you can "skim" the first post, or vice versa...

[Platypus Enthusiast]

It's been a while since the last post and the Second Council of Olive Garden would like to bring this thread back to everyone's attention in order to collect more delicious scripture for the Loose Canon. So please keep writing Letters in order to please our Noodly Master.

[tehrabbit]

Epastle of Weird Beard the pirate to the Patron Saints of Pasta
(Brief explanation: This be written on the pirate ship Her Majesty's Pantyhose during a freak storm.)

1. Avast! There be His Noodliness in the forefront. Doth He come with good tidings, or yet some more marinara?

2. I write these things from a sailor's perspective, on a wooden plank with my own blood, for we pirates have no paper. Only a laptop to access venganza.org, and planks with blood on them to convey a message to the patron saints of pasta.

3. Thar be a storm approaching, and our boat be a rocking. The wind whips across the sails in this gale of terror, verily it is the Flying Spaghetti Monster, conjuring up his saucy ways.

4. Is He mad at us? For we are indeed in pirate regailia, as is commanded by his righteous letter writingness Bobby Henderson. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster be drunk, therefore he cannot see that we are His truest believers?

5. What hath he for us, a message of wisdom or a massage of lasagna?

6. Alas, dost He reach down to our ship with His Great Noodly Appendage and smite the nonbelieving sissy boy wearing a hawaiian shirt and Rayban sunglasses. We can all learn a valuable lesson from this.

7. And His Noodly Awesomeness spake unto us, and He said, "Please pass the parmesan." Which we took to be a good omen of things to come.

8. And did the skys clear and the sea calmed, and did we all rejoice and drink much grog to the Noodly Monster in the sky.

9. These are our accounts of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. May He bless you with much cheese atop your meatballs and overflow your volcanos with the best of beers.


10. RAmen