PSALMS!

[Solipsy]

PSALMS are, of course, different from hymns. (The Hymns I've read so far in the hymn thread are hilarious and wonderful, but in a different sort of way.) Direct adapdations of psalms from other books containing them would be absolutely appropriate. The result, I believe, would be nonsensical, bombastic, and, let's admit it, scriptural sounding.

I don't feel like adapting existing psalms, however. I wanted to write my own, and in that spirit, I've chosen to apply a lesson I found in book of poetry-writing exercises. The lesson lists twenty short instructions which result in imagery that can sometimes congeal into something oddly poetic. When my husband and fellow Pastafarian read the instructions about ten years ago, he said "Wow, that sounds like instructions on how to write any holy text." Lo and behold, here is the first result. I hope you will agree.

Psalm Number ???

1. He is like a sweater 2. that enfolds me in Ragu
with meatballs. 3. His delicious smell wafts unto me
as a song that would fill my ears, or as the touch
of his Noodly Appendage opens my eyes
and brings to me a taste of divine understanding...
4. as if his Meatballs have spoken to my skin

5. For it was unto Kansas that His Chosen Prophet
Bobby did reveal 6. how his creative divinity
can never truly be fathomed. 7. Aye and Avast Ye,
the Pirates will save the planet 8.and those who cling
to the poopdecks 9. of denial that Global Warming
is caused by the Pirate's disappearance
10. are disassemblers... that means to lie.

11. The colossal bowl of His deliciousness
12. Will make all who are touched cower
with enlightenment. 13. His Prophet Bobby
shall ascend to the Beer Volcano heights,
14. while poor Solipsy awaits worthiness
for admittance to the Stripper Factory.

15. All of humankind shall one day
believe 16. that the sumptuous generosity
of his dripping sauce 17. shall cover them
with blessed and unending carbohydrate fortitude.
18. Plus ca change, Plus ca la meme chose no longer.
19. "Fill Me" cry out the bowls, the pots, the platters.
the bellies. "Oh, fill me!!" 20. Unto you, too,
be touched, be filled, be blessed, believe!

Ya gotta admit, that sounds amazingly like scripture.

I intend to make my own list of suggested instructions NOT duplicated from the book, because I will not plagiarize. If anyone would like a copy of my set, as a starting point from which to create hoity-toity sounding "Psalms," please e-mail me!

Yours in sauce,
Solipsy



btw, "plus ca change, plus ca le meme chose" is sort of French for "the more things change, the more they stay the same." The "ca" is supposed to be a "sah" sound. Je ne parle pas le Francais too good.

[Solipsy]

I see that people are looking, but no nibbles so far. My mistake, I believe, was to make it sound as if there are some kind of iron-clad RULES for psalm-writing. NO NO NO!!!! I'm sooooo sorrry! Go for it, go nuts, write anything in praise of Pirates, Our Prophet Bobby, Spaghetti in General, Our Lord the Great Noodly One, Mountains and Midgits, or whatever inspires you! Do it any way you want! I don't own this thread, and my rules don't apply! I'm just overly-enthusiastic about both Psalms and Proverbs, since I think they are both very pompous parts of "that other book." I was hoping that because they don't have to rhyme or be set to music, my brother and sister Pastafarians might want to join in, and maybe the advice would be helpful and/or amusing. But there are NO actual rules. Just like Flimsy Moral Standards, this is a Loose Canon!!! It should be fun.

Yours in sauce,
Solipsy


P.S. Maybe you're already diligently scribbling away, and about to bombard this thread with works of genius??? That would bring joyful tears of marina to His Holy Wriggling Eyes!!!

[Solipsy]

Good FSM, I do go on and on. Please forgive me -- A bit too Touched By His Noodly Appendage, dontchya know. ARRRRRRR'

Yours in sauce,
Solipsy

[Lord of the Left Hand]

For do you not know that He will strain all with his colander of justice; should you be washed past his noodly appendages you will forever languish the loss of strippers and malted beverages.

LLH

Edit by Auntie Dee Dee to replace an errant letter, because they'll probably C/V stuff outta here for compilations.

[DaveL]

Ode to Fetucini

1. Oh holy ribbons of joy. My supermarket shopping trolley is perpetually overflowing with your divine ingredients. 2. And my mind is filled with blessed thoughts of making your holy goodness at least 5 times a week.

3. Fear not thee excessive carbohydrate intake or thy bathroom scales following your eating. 4. And may you be on my plate in time for the 6.00pm news.

5. When’st thee is out for a night on the town, may you be eaten with $20 bottle of pinot noir and garlic bread. 6. May you be eaten with either tomato or creamy sauce, for thy holiness comes in many forms.

7. And may you be served by a flirty Italian waiter/waitress with a twinkle in the eye. For thy flimsy moral standards may apply after several glasses of pinot. 8. And may there be much Tiramisu for dessert.

9. Let not damnation be brought forth to those eating with both fork and spoon. For there are many ways of ingesting your holy goodness, without using your hands. 10. And forgive those who use chopstick, for The Prophet Marco Polo was but humbled by the eastern noodly ones innovation and enjoyment with fish ball, bok choy and hoi sin sauce.

11. In our final days before we ascend to the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, shall we involve your ingestion one last time, you Great Fettucini. 12. And may our bellies be eternally full with your goodness, both here and in the afterlife.

For ever and ever,

Ramen

[Solipsy]

Ode to Fetucini

Oh holy ribbons of joy. My supermarket shopping trolley is perpetually overflowing with your divine ingredients. And my mind is filled with blessed thoughts of making your holy goodness at least 5 times a week.

For truly, DaveL, thou art inspired By His Noodly Touching! Mindest thou if we might attempt to break thine stanzas into poetic lines, for example:

Oh holy ribbons of joy.
My supermarket shopping trolley
is perpetually overflowing with your divine ingredients.
And my mind is filled
and blessed with thought
of making your holy goodness at least 5 times a week.

(would you hate me if I did that? If so just shout out and I won't, but I think it add to the overall psalmy effect) (which is already quite well done, by the way!)

[DaveL]

Edit as you must Prophet Solipsy. For the divine words possess Flimsy Psalmic structure (and Moral Standards as well).

I have added numbers, but trust ye shall make my holy words acceptable to the Council of the Olive Garden.

Yours in noodliness,

Prophet Dave

[Solipsy]

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.

[DaveL]

Ode to Cheesus

1. Oh Parmegiana. Oh humble flaky shards of yellow. Oh miniscule specks of flavoursome flake. 2. Thy humble origins do thus begin with thy specially nourished cow. 3. Send forth much milk to create thee oh beast of the moo moo. 4. Be thee stored in large vats producing fermented whey and be thee stored in thy copper cauldron. 5. Speed forth thy bacterial culture to sour thee. 6. Then following thy heating to 30-35 degrees celcius, speed forth thy coagulation and formation of curds. 7. And following thy placing in form, immerse thee in briney water and season thee. 8. And following thy placing on the supermarket shelves, shall the wheels of my shopping trolley speed me to the delicatessen section. 9. And there shall I purchase thee. 10. Yea verily, shall I get a move on to the '8 items or less' express checkout, for the woman in front with 2 trolleys shall be feeding an army. 11. Then, following purchase of your sacred block, shall I grate thee into a separate bowl and store thee in preparation of the holy meal. For thy pre-grated can form is but a smelly abomination. 12. Oh golden dandruffy accompaniment. When thy spoon does transport thee to the holy meal, shall thy flakes thus fall through the ribbony noodles of delight, melt with the sacred mince and merge with thy venerable garlic and onion seasoning. 13. For thy cheesy holiness beams forth on top of the sacred meal like Hillary on top of Mt Everest. 14. And whenst thy noodles reach my mouth after many messy attempts, including use of a man-bib, shall thy flakes impart their flavour upon thee. 15. And then shall ye descend my clogged oesophagus, blocked by your holy goodness. 16. Following much aching tummy and Alka-Seltzer, send forth much expulsion of thy massive burp. 17. For thy burp shall be a gassy expression of your cheesy goodness. 18. Yea then and only then shall I feel truly holy and truly fulfilled.

For yours is the cheesiness, the powder and the gluttony. For ever and ever.

RAmen

[DaveL]

Ode to thy Man-Bib

1. Thou eyes hath stared at thine office clock all morning, thus waiting for nourishment. 2. For thine office buddies shall congregate at thy local pasta house for lunch. 3. And dressed in full suit and tie, do I order thee Spaghetti, most holy of meals and expensive bottle of red. 4. And in thine anticipation, following previous drunken messy incidents, thou waiter has brought me forth thy great friend. 5. For hastily tied to the back of my neck is my great saviour and protector. 6. Thy Man-Bib - most holy covering of pastafarian businessmen. 7. Blessed be thy coverage, for thy mince meat shall not stain my Pierre Cardin suit. 8. Blessed be thy cloaking, for thy noodle shall not sully my Yves St Laurent tie.9. Blessed be thy shelter, for thy parmesan shall not land on my lap. 10. For thy Armani shall wear not the holy meal with thy cloaking. 11. And thy Calvin Kline shall be untouched by the sacred morsels. 12. For thine wondrous Man-Bib has saved me from a fate worse than death. 13. The wrath of mine wife and local drycleaner 14. And shall thee dwell around my neck during many a business lunch. Forever and ever.

RAmen

[Solipsy]

The Great and Saucy One in Heaven doth weep marinara tears of joy in appreciation! It is as if His Noodly Appendages of Love Touch Me again! Anyone who could read these glorious odes and not be moved unto the refrigerator is truly without the Holy Hunger! (or a sense of humor, cause these are freakin' awesome!)

[DaveL]

Guys this one just kind of happened…I'm just a guy when it comes to shopping...

The Holy Ponderance

1. Oh Great Noodly One. To thee I doth ponder, for thy presence inspires much rumbling of my tummy. 2. And after repeated rumbling and grumbling of thy digestive system, shall I sunder forth to the Holy Refrigerator in search of your fulfilment. 3. And after much fumbling and bumbling through the empty shelves, shall I surrender thy wishful thinking and retreat to the holy ATM to replenish thy monetary stocks. 4. And then I do doth speed, doing 100 in a 60 km/h zone to the local supermarket during peak hour, for thy weekly chores must be done. 5. Cashed up and ready to do battle with holy trolley and bloated wallet, my grocery vessel doth speed me through Lanes 1 to 6 with much haste. For thine aisles are thus blocked with the slow and indecisive. 6. And thoughts of previous trolley rage incidents, for which I was imprisoned, doth subside on thy blessed turning into Lane 7. 7. For there before me are the myriads of your many forms. 8. Oh Great One, for thy many forms do thus inspire a holy hypnosis. 9. And there do I stand mid-aisle to ponder thy many forms. 10. And Lane 7 doth turn into a massive log jam on the initiation your holy ponderance...
11. Be thee Anelli for thy small rings encase thine holiness?
12 Be thee Bucatini: for thy long tubes doth extend forth to inspire me?
13. Be thee Cannelloni: for thy Large, thick round tubes are a metaphor to be filled with your holy goodness?
14. Be thee Cochiglie: for thine ridged tiny shells are like sea shells washing upon the shores of my soul?
15. Be the Cresti di gallo: 'I sure hope so, because my stomach is staring to grumble?'
16. Be the Eliche: For thy loose spirals are like tendrils, descending from the Beer Volcano in the sky?
17. Be thee Farfalle: For thy bow ties inspire thoughts of Pirates on the high seas?
18. Be thee Gemelli: For thine twin pieces wrapped together remind me of the Holy Bond with my great Noodly Master.
19. Be thee Lumache: 'I sure hope so, because that cranky old man is set to ‘trolley-ram-eth’ me? Incoming!!'
20. Be thee Lumaconi: For thy Big shells used for fillings inspire me with thoughts of your holy sauces.
21. Be thee Orecchiette: For thy Ear-shaped goodness inspires sounds of contented diners, loud burps and contented tummies following ingestion of thy holy meal.
22. Be thee Penne: 'I surely hope so, for the supermarket security guard is eying me warily.'
23. Be thee Rigatoni: For thy thick ridged tubes do thus inspire thoughts of your noodly appendage sent forth to touch and inspire me.
24. Be thee Vermicelli: 'I sure hope so, for several burly security guards do thus forcibly remove me from Lane 7. '
25. And during my forced removal, I do thus scream your holy name and several other unmentionable utterances. 26. For thine inspiration has brought me much unwanted attention from the local authorities. 27. And I shall no longer dwell in the house of Walmart. 28. For my photo is thus plastered at every checkout throughout land. 29. And following my banning from thy local shopping mall, do I thus seek your inspiration in a new form – Internet Grocery Shopping. 30. For your internet goodness is brought forth following quotation of my credit card number. 31. And your holiness is thus delivered to my doorstep. 32. And I shall no longer be smited by the dreaded trolley. 32. And I shall ponder thee from the world wide web until my dying day.

Forever and Ever.

RAmen

[Solipsy]

DaveL

You are a most gifted, inspired Pastalmist. We are blessed that you have been Touched among us. And doubly blessed am I among scribes that you number your lines.

XOXOXOXO

[Solipsy]

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.

[Antiquehunter]

Shamelessly modified from an obscure Psalm I read somewhere...

1. The FSM is my noodlemaker; I shall not want.
2. He maketh me to slurp noodles smothered in saucy goodness
3. He leadeth me to many bottles of fine wines.
4. He restoreth the pasta in my bowl:
5. He leadeth me to fine Italian restaurants for His name' sake.
6. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For the FSM art with me;
7. Thy noodles and thy sauce, they comfort me.
8. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of many pirates;
9. Thou annointest my meal with Parmesan Reggiano; My cup runneth over with a charming Red Zin from the Mendocino valley.
10. Surely goodness and levity shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the FSM forever