Religious Jokes Central

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Bob the Unbeliever
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Postby Bob the Unbeliever » Wed Jul 19, 2006 9:23 pm

One day, Satan was stewing down in Hell, and trying to think of how he could get the 'better' of his arch-rival, Jesus.

He finally hit upon a strategy: a contest would decide who was the superior deity.

Satan immediately appealed to God, to set up the contest. Various venues were suggested, but it was finally settled, that Satan and Jesus would have a COMPUTING contest, using PC's made up (or down) on Earth.

So, each chose his favorite PC, and settled in to the computing contest.

They both worded in word processors, they spread those spread-sheets, they presented those power-points, they computed the data in the databases. They photoed-the photo shops, they googled the internet, they e-mailed the e-mails - in short, for 8 solid hours, both Satan and Jesus PC'd like there was no tomorrow.

The contest was set to end at precisely 10 hours.

9 hours, and 50 minutes, Satan let out a most amazing scream --- there was a power failure! Both Jesus' and Satan's PC's blinked twice, and went dead.

Then, after a minute, the power came back on, and the PC's were up again ...

But, Satan let out an even MORE amazing scream again -- "It's LOST! All my work: LOST--RUINED--TOAST--KAPUT--GONE" *followed by a string of profanity like as never heard previously in all of Eternity*

But, Jesus, on the other hand, just sat back with a small smile ... sort of like the one on the Mona Lisa.

Finally, Satan's rant ran down enough, that he noticed Jesus' smile. Satan exclaimed, "What are YOU smiling about?"

And God answered: "That's easy, Satan .... "

"Jesus Saves"


Seen on a bumper-sticker the other day:

"Jesus Saves Souls ---

--- and redeems them for valuable prizes!"

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Postby diego » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:51 am

That reminds me of

Jesus saves ... the rest of you take 100d10 damage.

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St John the Blasphemist
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Postby St John the Blasphemist » Thu Jul 27, 2006 7:40 pm

Found written on a wall:

Jesus Saves, Moses Invests - But only Buddha pays Dividends

St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Graffiti

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Dr. Otis Lansa
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Postby Dr. Otis Lansa » Wed Aug 02, 2006 12:24 pm


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon that I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"


Postby MPTrooper » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:14 pm

Why do Priests where shorts in the shower?

They can't look down on the unemployed.

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Bucatini Buccanneer
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Postby deadgenome » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:35 pm

Here's a rather filthy yet simple joke that reduces my chance of rapture by at least a few thousand percent...


I know Jesus loves me,
He swallows.


my favourite jesus joke tho is the one on my signature...

Here's a very old joke that I got from a Neil Stevenson book...


A pious young man is about to have sex with an experienced harlot and she asks him to slip a length of knotted sheep gut onto his manhood so as not to get her pregnant.

As he is doing this he asks 'If I am wearing this, perhaps it means that we are not really having sex and so therefore it is not a sin?'

The harlot looks at him with a smile and replies 'Many religious folk hold that view when it suits them, though if it is not we who are having sex, then you might have to explain to your maker why it is you are sodomising a dead sheep.'

+ don't get hung up on symbols +

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams

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Land Shark
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Postby Land Shark » Wed Aug 16, 2006 12:53 am

On the same line as the other Jesus jokes...

Jesus saves, but George Nelson withdraws! - George "Babyface" Nelson, 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?'
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. -Edgar Allan Poe

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Re: Religious Jokes Central

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:58 pm

This thread has been deɑd a while, time to apply the Lazarus effect!
Can't remember where I saw this originally but I found it here when I looked for it.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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