So how does a Whole Wheat Pastafarian go about learning to brew beer? I already make cider (what the people in the US call Hard Cider, but the rest of us just call cider) and wine at home. I have some grains (wheat and barley), a mill, something to use as hops (broom flowers) and enthusiasm... how do I transform that into beer?

I am aware that there are malt extracts and kits and stuff, but I would like to go back to my pirate roots and brew my own from scratch. Think of it as an extreme form of devotion, like the Medieval Christian form of flagellation- sure there is an easier way, but where's the challenge?