Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

[Cap'n Tedward]

As a companion text to the Loose cannon and of course, the holiest of holies, We are humbly assembling a handbook for ordained Monisters who seek inspiration when officiating various duties that the irreverent are called upon to perform.

In this thread, we'll be taking submissions for weddings. We want the long an short of it. From the cartoonishly short to the mind numbingly long. From the scurviest, surliest drunken revelry, to the humblest humanistic bond.

So let's hear it. Let's all inspire new Monisters and either build, or burn, some bridges with other religions.

[black bart]

^Wot thee eck am I doing in it?

[pieces o'nine]

^ looks like it was a very nice ceremony.

[Cap'n Tedward]

I'll need to transcribe it, but here's one of mine...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vUT7Cv9MX0

[Dechujoh64]

In this thread, we'll be taking submissions for weddings. We want the long an short of it. From the cartoonishly short to the mind numbingly long. From the scurviest, surliest drunken revelry, to the humblest humanistic bond.

So let's hear it. Let's all inspire new Monisters and either build, or burn, some bridges with other religions.

I have decided to take the mind numbingly long
I shall make my version off of the Christian mass version and spaghettify IT. I do not know how long it'll take maybe you 4 to 8 parts.

and after this first post of mine I shall post part one. I hope you're ready Capt.

May the pasta be with you always.
RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

PART ONE
Opening Greeting
The priest greets the assembly, and the people respond.
OPENING WORDS OF THE OFFICIANT
pirate like additions will be added in red and smaller things CAN BE OMITTED
Friends and mates, we have gathered here today to share with ______ and ______ a very important moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife(Pirate and Wench). If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Gloria or Pastia
Glory to God(GLOB) in the highest, and Peace to his people on earth. Lord God(GLOB), heavenly King, Almighty God and Father, we worship you, we give you thanks, and we praise you for your glory. Lord Jesus Christ, Only Son of the Father, Lord God(GLOB), Lamb(PASTA) of God(GLOB), you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us; you are seated at the right hand of the Father: Receive our prayer. For you alone are the Holy One, you alone are the Lord, you alone are the Most High(DRUNK), Jesus Christ(FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER), with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God(GLOB) the Father. RAmen

Opening Prayer
The priest invites the assembly to pray, then offers one of several possible prayers for the bride and groom. At the conclusion of the prayer, the assembly is seated for the Liturgy of the Word.

Father(HOLY MONSTER), hear our prayers for [Name] and [Name], Who today are united in marriage before your altar. Give them your blessing, And strengthen their love for each other.
We ask you this through YOU our Lord (GLOB) Heavenly Monster, who shall reign forever and ever, RAmen.

Since there is nothing really much about marriage within The Loose Canon. The first reading, response Psalm, second treating, alleluia( or something of the same nature), gospel and the homily shall all be chosen by the priest/minister.

This is all I shall show today so that this post will not go on forever. My next post shall contain the parts of the mass from: Rite of Marriage, Consent, Blessing and Exchange of Rings, Prayer of the Faithful

May the pasta be with you always.
RAmen.

[Cardinal Fang]

I transcribed this ages ago from a YouTube vid of a Pastafarian wedding. Can't now find the video in question though, but this is the text of the ceremony

(processional ends)

(to the couple) Are ye ready to walk the plank together and thereby engage in (legal) matrimony?
(yes)

Arrrrrgh, let us begin!

Dearly beloved Pirates, Wenches and fellow Pastafarians and assorted landlubbers. We be gathered here today to marry this here wench to her pirate.

Let us pray.

Hail Marinara,
Full of Spice,
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is filled with thee.
Tasty art thou amongst sauces,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy jar, tomatoes
(although fools believe they are vegetables).
Holy Marinara,
Chief Amongst Toppings,
Save a plate for us now,
and at about 6 o’clock when dinner is served, if you would be so kind.
RAmen.

Any Scurvy dog who has a problem with this here union should be saying Yarr right about now. Otherwise shut your noodle hole so we can get on with this and get to the part where we get wasted on rum.

Now both of ye say yarr where it concerns you, understood.

Do ye wench take this here pirate to be ye (lawfully) wedded pirate. To be liking a lot through the good stuff and the bad stuff, to be caring for him in the healthy times and the scurvy times, to be loving him during the times of great booty and the times without, to be having fun together while adventuring at sea and while home in port, and to be upholding the word of the great noodly gospel as long as ye both shall live?

(arrrrgh, I do)

And do ye pirate take this here wench to be your (lawfully) wedded wench. To be liking a lot through the good stuff and the bad stuff, to be caring for her in the healthy times and the sick times, to be loving her during the times of great booty and the times without, to be having fun together while adventuring at sea and while home in port, and to be upholding the word of the great noodly gospel as long as ye both shall live?

(arrrrgh, I do)

Ye may now exchange the rings, which are shaped in the unending circle of his great noodly appendages.

And now, by the power vested in me by the Flying Spaghetti Monster (and the State of Utah), I pronounce you pirate and wench, husband and wife!

Ye may kiss your wench.

May I introduce ye all to the new Mr. and Mrs. -------------!

(applause and such; recessional)

Amendment: the original was held in Utah, and the ceremony was a legally valid one. However, as has been discussed on other threads, not all countries currently legally recognise a couple married according to Pastafarian rites (e.g. the UK) - so I've amended this so that the bits that apply only if there it is a legally valid ceremony. These bits are (blue and in brackets)

CF

[Cap'n Tedward]

Nice. I'm working on an opening homily based on science. it's not done yet, but here's what I have so far:
"When the world was primitive and every creature was a single cell, everything was your enemy.
Other creatures like yourself were competing for similar resources, and creatures unlike you were likely trying to make YOU their resources.

But some time, somewhere in that mix of kill or be killed, two creatures touched. They had companionship for the first time. Eventually, they learned they could share resources, and eventually become completely part of each other. They joined. And they showed the rest of the world what power that brought them.

Since then every multi-cellular organism has honored this moment in some way. They share resources with their brothers, or most, like us, perform the mating dance in hopes of recapturing the power and strength when two become one. "

[pastajohnson]

These make for very interesting reading!

[pastajohnson]

I recently had a friend who married with the wedding paid and all of the jewelery "sponsored" by http://www.mesenso.com/ - the company she worked for. It was very special. The bride and groom wrote their own vows and it read like a little piece of poetry. I'll have to ask if I can post them up here. It was a beautiful occasion.

[Aubreywan]

I look forward to reading this as well.

[Ignotum]

Reading this post I had an awesome idea!
What if the Church offers official marriage certificates?

[Cap'n Tedward]

Reading this post I had an awesome idea!
What if the Church offers official marriage certificates?

Actually, anyone can. "official" certificates have to come from the state. They're usually quite dull. However, the ones issues by churches look much more formal but are ultimately all in the "keepsake" family. For bothe the weddings I did, I downloaded a nice one online, replaced god imagery with FSM and took some caligraphic pens. Worked like a charm.

A good graphic designer could whip them up and post them any time.

Similarly, I'd designed FSM engagement/wedding rings with a black pearl and a short length of fine black chain. :)

[Ignotum]

Similarly, I'd designed FSM engagement/wedding rings with a black pearl and a short length of fine black chain. :)

Wow! Can you post a pic of them?

[Cap'n Tedward]

Wow! Can you post a pic of them?

Wish I could. Lost all in the last move. *sigh*