Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Ham Nox » Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:09 pm

:clapclapclapclapclap: :grin:

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast » Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:41 pm

Posting this here for your enjoyment

The Epistle of Roderick the Purser to the Orthodox Crew

1 Roderick Alan King, plunder of the Rutgers Pastafarians’ Pursership stores via luck and dexterity of tongue, member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly, and friend of academic pursuit, share thus with international leaders of our congregations.
2 Let it be known that I parley ye, mateys, under the flag of His Noodliness, that ye all speak the same ideals, and there be no mutiny amongst ye; but realize that ye be stuck together with the same sauce.
3 His Noodliness sent me not to cook his sauce but to spread His cooking, lest He be consumed to no effect.
4 For the citizens require an eye-catching sign, and the Boards of Education seek after wisdom.
5 But we preach Intelligent Design Noodlified; unto the citizens a divide, and the Educators foolishness.
6 But His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster hath chosen many things of the world to confound science and education, even though Bobby the Revealer showed only evolution global warming, and the fossil records to exemplify so.
7 Consider the lilies of the fields, parched in the summer heat, shattering in the summer winds, petals floating off into the blue.
8 These shards eventually fall to the ground. How so? Science and man hath found no satisfactory answer.
9 Consider a broad, cooked sheet of lasagna. A large meatball rests in the center, causing a bulge downwards that one could drop into. A smaller meatball rolleth
around in ellipses, perhaps even slowly spiraling inwards.
10 Consider also a strand of spaghetti hanging upside-down from a strainer. As time flows, the stick end comes off. The spaghetti falls into a wiggly blob, and falls as a whole string.
11 These are the irreconcilable theories of modern gravity, with sources and intrinsic natures of pastas causing an irreconcilable divide as to why things may fall towards the big meatball. But notice the commonalities shared- pasta and meatballs, causing actions which cannot be seen.
12 Let the crews of our universe so account of this, and understand how His unseen Noodley Appendages effect all of nature. Boats of belief should be made of sterner stuff, not simply the one plank of Intelligent Design.
13 Now, concerning the recruitment of such crew, as I hath commanded my mates and even Captain, so must ye.
14 See that other may share without despise, for even Ninja-Pirates bring truth with theories. Submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth.
15 For if there be help to the cause, then it may be appreciated. An open mind must be kept to prevent dogmatic danger. For it is written, “I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others”.

1 http://xkcd.com/326/
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby StJason » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:01 pm

The Sermon Of St. Jason the Slightly Cynical on the Coast.

1. Arise, all who hear and rejoice! For I bring unto you the unbearable good news. 2. For it has been revealed by The Most Blessed Prophet, he whose name be Bobby, that we did not come to be here by accident or random selection of biological traits as thought before. 3. No longer are we chained by this line of observable logic and verifiable evidence. 4. Instead, I can tell to each and every one of you that you are a special snowflake, each unique and loved, with a special place in the universe made just for you. 5. And do you want to know the best part? You know when people die? 6. We used to think that they just stopped living, and were now a corpse without motivation. 7. Well, it's not true! 8. Instead, 9. it turns out that we are some sort of unseeable, untouchable, unfindable thing inside. 10. Kinda like a paddler in a canoe. 11. But when we die, it's just our bodies. 12. And the inside unfindable thing. 13. Which we will call a 'soul'. 14. No, not soul like Jazz singers got. 15. But this soul thing doesn't die. 16. It goes on to another place. 17. Which we can't see, or find, or touch, or prove by it's interactions with anything. 18. Not even by quantum interaction. 19. And this other place that our unfindable part goes on to, 20. It's like the best party ever. 21. There is a volcano which spews beer. 22. Not lava. 23. And strippers. 24. Lots. 25. There is actually a factory that mass produces them. 26. Boys and girls. 27. Or whatever. 28. Yes, I suppose there are horses too, if you really are into that kind of thing. 29. I'm not. 30. Eww. 31. Wait, where was I? 32. Oh, right. The other place. 33. Your 'soul'-thing goes there when you die. 34. And this world is only the test. 35. If you live up to some simple rules, you get to go to this heaven place. 36. Actually, even if you don't, you still do. 37. But you are stuck in the shabbier parts. 38. With crappy, flat beer. 39. And really ugly strippers. 40. And the rest of the douchebags who didn't listen. 41. And you don't want to hang out with them. 42. Assholes, every one. 43. Hey, that guy owes me twenty bucks! 44. So how do you get to this 'heavy' place? 45. 'Heaven', I mean? 46. You follow some simple rules. 47. Don't be a prick. 48. Be the best person you can. 49. Don't stop people from being the best persons they can. 50. Help where you are able, but don't force it. 51. Clean up your messes. 52. Help others clean up theirs. 53. And you can show your appreciation by 54. Dressing like a pirate. 55. Eating noodles. 56. Partaking in beer. 57. And rum. 58. Okay, pretty much anything. 59. It was made for you to enjoy, anyway. 60. Yes, it was all made for you! 61. I told you that you were a special snowflake. 62. And that there was a place made just for you. 63. You really ought to pay more attention. 64. I'm not up here sermonizing just to hear myself talk after all. 65. And the one who made this all just for you? 66. We call him the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 67. You can tell when you see him. 68. He looks like a big pile of spaghetti. 69. That is flying. 70. And not human shaped. 71. And while we call him a he, it's really not male. 72. It's a pile of spaghetti, for God's sake! 73.Though he does have a Noodly Appendage. 74. With which he likes to touch people and things. 75. But I'd rather we didn't go down that route. 76. Yeah. 77. The point is, he made everything. 78. Starting with a mountain. 77. And a tree. 78. And a midget. 79. And he made everything just for you. 80. So better not mess it up. 81. You remember how pissed your Aunt Sarah was when you ripped that ugly cardigan she knitted for you? 82. Imagine making a whole universe. 83. Just for you. 84. And you messed it up. 85. That's how pissed the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be. 86. So don't mess it up. 87. And treat each other nice. 88. Cause he made them too. 89. Well, I'm getting hoarse here. 89. Going down to the pub. 90. For a drink. 91. Oh and someone get that guy who owes me money. 92. He's paying.
Darwin's Purge, verse 39.

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:44 pm

lmao StJason. most excellent, especially 71-75. keep em coming dude.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby StJason » Mon Mar 14, 2011 1:34 am

The Other Myth of the Creation
By St. Jason

Being a completely different retelling of the creation for those whiny babies that don't like the first one.

1. In the beginning there was a midgit named Pirate. 2. He lived alone on a mountain with some trees. 3. One night as he sat down to his solitary meal of boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres, he found his eyes filling with tears. 4. "There is something missing in my life!" sobbed Pirate. 5. "I don't particularly want more of me, and when I need to talk, there is always a tree. 6. But what I really need is something... bigger then me." 7. Standing up, he stared into the vastness of the orderly cosmos. 8. "I need a creature far more powerful then me. I. Whatever. 9. I need it. I need something that tells me what to think and what to say. 9. But I need this thing to need me. 10. It should give me jobs to do. 11. But nothing too hard, as I am but a lone midgit. 12. Something like... recite a simple poem before going to bed. 13. And it, being so powerful, should be on my side. 14. So if I ever meet another midgit I can just say 15. "Do what I say, or my huge and powerful friend will get you!"
1. Thinking about this a bit, Pirate continued. 2. "But it shouldn't be able to be seen. 3. Because if you can see it, then others will try and sneak away, or do stuff when it is not looking. 4. If it is invisible, nobody will be sure if it is watching or not." 5. Pirate thought some more. "And what my invisible friend does, it shouldn't be obvious. 6. Like picking people up and throwing them across the room or something. 7. Because if it did that, then people would know where it is. 8. Which is bad. 9. QED." 10. And Pirate thought for a long time about what his invisible friend should do. 11. Then suddenly he shouted 12. "I've got it!" 13. "It should take care of us after we die!" 14. "And if you don't do what I... uh... it says 15. It won't take care of you after you are dead!" 16. "Which is why it watches you all the time." 17. "That is brilliant." 18. said Pirate.
1. Pirate sat down at his table again. 2. It needs a name. 3. I can't call it 'my invisible friend' all the time. 4. That would be stupid. 5. So it needs a name. 6. A good one." 7. Pirate thought. 8. "Let's see." 9. "It's Invisible. That's good." 10. "And it loves me. So something about love. 11. Like Valentine's Day. 12. Heart? No. 13. Valentine? No. 14. Red? No. 15. Pink? I like pink. 16. So Invisible, Pink... NO! 17. This is hard!" 18. cried Pirate. 19. And in frustration, he beat his fist upon his table. 20. It wasn't a good table. 21. Having been made by Pirate. 22. Which you might have guessed, wasn't a very hard worker. 23. So one of the planks he used was loose. 24. It was this he pounded on. 25. Unfortunately, his bowl of boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres was also on it. 26. This bowl flew up in the air. 27. And because he had been asking for it, this became His Blessed Noodliness. 29. Who turned and spoke to Pirate.
1. "Pirate you are the most blessed among midgits!" 2. "For what you have asked for has been granted!" 3. "Behold! I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster." 4. And Pirate beheld the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 5. And after an appropriate amount of beholding went on, Pirate spoke. 6. "Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster! Is it true?" 7. "Of course, Pirate." 8. "And you will be my invisible buddy?" 8. "Yes Pirate." 9. "And I can threaten the other midgits with you, and they'll have to do as I say or you'll get mad at them!" 10. "Err..." 11. "Hey, I thought you were supposed to be invisible?" 12. "Well, I can choose to appear to who I want, right?" 13. "I guess." Said Pirate. 15. And he engaged in a bit more beholding, but not too much. 16. "Hey, we skipped a number!" said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 17. "We did?" asked Pirate, not quite sure what He was talking about. 18. "Yeah, back there where you said 'I guess'. We skipped 14.". 19. "Well, should we go back and fix it?" asked Pirate. 20. "No, it is too late now." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 21. "Oh." said Pirate. 22. And there was a moment of awkward silence. 23. "Hey, I like that name. 'Spaghetti'. Can I name the dish that made You that?" asked Pirate. 24. "That seems reasonable." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 25. "It's certainly easier to say then boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres." 26. "You ain't kidding about that." said Pirate. 27. And there was another awkward silence. 28. "Well, I had better go. I've got to lurk invisibly and watch everyone." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 29. "Are you sure you won't stay?" asked Pirate, who didn't want to seem to be a bad host, but was aware that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was dripping pulped fruits of the solnaium plant all over his floor. 30. "Oh, no. I can't. I am so very, very busy." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 31. "Oh. Okay. Goodbye" said Pirate. 32. "Goodbye" said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 33. And turned Invisible. 34. Pirate turned and began to clean up the mess. 35. When suddenly he realized. 36. "Hey! My dinner!"

Here ends the Other Myth of the Creation. Which fits The Image by The Prophet much better in my opinion. See?
Darwin's Purge, verse 39.

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast » Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:40 pm

exquisite as always St. Jason. 4:13-22 is probably one of the funniest things i've ever heard ever. bravo sir
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35


Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby peacefulsongs » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:41 pm

It is my prayer that Vasudera Torrent will be considered an Epastle of the faith even though she views the Flying Spaghetti Monster to be a female named Manager.



Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby peacefulsongs » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:42 pm

Below is information about the five main characters:
Manager: Little is known about Manager's birth, her parents, her childhood or her origin. We know that she lived a blissful life as a slave. She was banished to a great void and was given almost an unlimited creative ability but refrained from using those powers for 8 years. During those 8 years she lived in a fruitless state of self pity while being continually comforted by the voice of her mother. On August 9, 1613 the voice of Manager's mother stopped. On that day Manager created the universe that we have learned to enjoy even to this day. She is normally uninvolved with the affairs of woman but does operate behind the scenes in ways that she doesn't want anybody to know. At sometime during 2005 Manager met with a 13 year old girl named Vasudera Torrent. Manager attempted to transport Vasudera to the beginning of her life but failed in her efforts. On Vasudera's 21st birthday Manager visited her a second time to teach her all of the wisdom that was needed to live as a follower of Manager. The values of dedication, silence, submission, humility, dishonesty and hypocrisy are to be known to the entire world. Manager chose Vasudera to teach these concepts to all womankind.
Vasudera: Vasudera Torrent was born somewhere in the United States on December 25, 1991. She grew up in a Baptist church in a very dedicated Baptist family. Her devotion to God was obvious to everyone in her life. Her charismatic personality and her sincere spirit made her a fine Christian girl with a potential to do great things for God. Everyone loved her and treated her like a hero even though she had never done anything heroic. That changed when she met Manager as a 13 year old girl. She became even more devoted to God and more of an inspirational hero to those around her. The only difference was that before meeting Manager she believed in her faith. After meeting Manager she became a skeptic but never shared that fact for the remainder of her life. Vasudera suffers with a multitude of moral failings after meeting Manager the second time. During this period of moral, financial, social, emotional and relational failings she learns all that she needs to know to be a servant of Manager. Vasudera is the first person to live her life as a Managerian. This did not hinder her from being actively involved in the Southern Baptist community. Vasudera is quoted as saying, "Managerians are to live in secret until our official church is established in the latter days. The Church of Manager of Latter Day Fakes will be established on August 9, 2413 on the 800th anniversary of the earth." Vasudera was chosen to find the history of Manager's life but instead ended up writing Manager's future with the famous book appropriately titled, "Manager".
Aunt Haley: Haley Ween Moore was born October 31, 1957. She is the youngest sister of Vasudera's maternal grandmother. When Vasudera's grandmother
died in 1991 Aunt Haley felt obligated to take on the grandmother role for Vasudera and her sisters. She had never been married and never had any children at that point in her life. At age 43 Aunt Haley married someone of the Mormon faith and left behind the Baptist tradition. Aunt Haley was fascinated by the Mormon Church, their teachings, their energy and their pro-family position. Even though Haley wasn't disowned by her family she slowly drifted away because of the obvious tension that existed because of her religious choices. Haley's relationship to Vasudera, her mother and her sisters never diminished. Her bond was obviously strongest to Vasudera's oldest sister. Many believe that Aunt Haley paid for Vasudera's oldest sister's college, her car and her home upon completing college but Aunt Haley always denied it. Aunt Haley had a fascination with Halloween and always dressed as a Pirate on Halloween and handed out candy to children. It was even rumored that Aunt Haley gave small sums of money to single mothers on that day. Aunt Haley always denied it. During Vasudera's eight year journey of moral failing Aunt Haley came to visit Vasudera every single Halloween and gave her a sum of money sufficient to help her through the year but never gave her too much. This is the only act of generosity that Aunt Haley ever admitted. Even her mandatory tithes to the Mormon Church were given with cash. Aunt Haley was reprimanded the first five years that she belonged to the Mormon Church for failing to give her tithes. She denied the false accusations but promised to forgive them for bearing false witness against her. She assured them that their lack of records did not equate to moral failure on her part. Vasudera even believed that Aunt Haley was a Managerian that had been touched by Her noodley appendage but never asked her and had no intentions of doing so. Aunt Haley was the only person of comfort to Vasudera during her days of moral failing.
Zena - Zena was born in the United States sometime during the year 1891, 1892 or 1893. In August of 1913 Zena began fasting. Fasting in excess of 5 days causes the body to emit an odor that grabs the attention of Manager. It is a pleasant aroma that always pleases Manager but Zena's odor began to intensify which placed Manager in an extended state of ecstasy. Manager began to scrutinize Zena's past and discovered a most benevolent, selfless and devoted creature. Unfortunately Zena was a paranoid skeptic unwilling to do the work of Manager.
Abimelech - Abimelech is the only male character in the Book of Manager. This is later remedied by his requirement to behave as a female while wearing lipstick and a dress. Abimelech was an ambitious plant that attempted to take Manager's throne but failed. Manager was impressed with his ambition and used it against him by dividing him into 4 types of plants. His name is later changed to Thistles, Weeds, Brambles and Briars. He spends the remainder of his life carrying out the tasks that Manager hates to do. Even though he is a miserable slave it is
suspected that he is constantly planning and plotting for the perfect opportunity to overthrow Manager.
Chapter 1 - The Goal of This Book
1 The goal of this book is to protect the strength of established religions while encouraging an open mind to its followers.
2 The need will arise in the future for a superior deity.
3 A Managerian will lead the way in this effort because of the advantage gained by centuries of submission to established custom without the disadvantage of the resignation of the mind.
4 Manager could become Goddess of the universe in the next 2-3 thousand years. Get on board now by enthusiastically joining your local church, mosque, synagogue, parish, temple or other trustworthy institution.
5 Become involved with the tradition to which you are most familiar. This will reduce your level of social discomfort but most importantly this is the environment Manager has provided for you. Do not rebel against it.
6 There are analogical equivalents of Manager in your life. This can cause your faith to become weaker or stronger.
7 Changing jobs, a change in management, a new landlord, new relationship, loss of relationship, purchase of a home, starting a business, changes in government leadership or any other changes in perceived hierarchy within your environment can alter your understanding of Manager. This does not offend Manager unless your disrespect for Her becomes obvious with your tone.
8 You should always remain committed to Manager in a consistent manner without regard to the condition of your hopelessly fickle mind.
9 Your boss is your goddess.
10 Your landlord is your goddess.
11 Your bank is your goddess.
12 Your mother is your goddess.
13 Your spouse is your goddess.
14 Its odd but this correlation really doesn't exist.
15 These ridiculous illusions are an inevitable response because of flawed programming in the human mind.
16 If you choose to believe Manager does not exist, your trust for authority figures diminishes to an illogical level. You will begin to carry an unreasonable burden upon your own shoulders.
17 Your resentment, disregard and/or disrespect for Manager will be thrust upon undeserving nurturers in your life. These nurturers may or may not respond to your attacks with benevolence.
18 These nurturers are likely to respond in a way to destroy you with unforgiving hatred.
19 If you choose to believe on Manager, respect Her and trust Her, then your relationship with authority will be pleasant and rewarding.
20 You will carry a light burden which is precisely your duty.
21 Be aware of your tendency to correlate Manager's character with the character of the authorities that you presently experience.
22 The consequences of your unbelief are not being carefully considered.
23 You chose to prefer logic which is certain to always destroy any good idea. Logic can prove everything therefore it proves nothing.
24 Be aware of the outcomes of specific ideas.
25 Embrace the ideas that are beneficial.
26 Discard the ideas that are destructive.
27 You should embrace the beneficial ideas because they are beneficial.
28 You should reject those ideas that are destructive because they are destructive.
29 Logic is a worthless substitute for thinking.
Chapter 1 - Non-existent chapter
None of the contents of this chapter shall ever be proclaimed publicly. If you are reading this book for entertainment or educational purposes, these principles can be applied to your religious or work life. There is one essential ingredient for all levels of leadership and servant hood. Honesty is a virtue that should never be applied within an organization. Honesty is reserved for intimate friendships and family relations. Honesty is a noble characteristic of an individual but it can be destructive within a business, government or religious institution. All servants of Manager must deny the contents of this chapter and even the existence of this chapter.
Hypocrisy is the highest virtue of the servants of Manager.
Truth is unattainable. Truth is inaccessible.
Certain elements of our environment do provide certainty. A tree is a tree and does possess the qualities of a tree. There could be negative consequences associated with ignoring or disbelieving this physical truth.
Intangible truth such as history, science, astronomy and the like can be ignored without negative consequences. The belief that Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president can be doubted without ill outcome resulting to the unbeliever.
Truth is an obsession that creates many a fool. Intangible truths do not hold any value other than satisfying the curiosity of an individual. Fictitious stories can easily replace intangible truth. If a fictitious story has superior value it should be preferred to the intangible and unknown truth. Intangible truths are always unknown to the masses. In cases of history or religion the truth is unknown to all. Claiming something to be true gives power to the spokeswoman. This persuasive encounter produces believers who proclaim the received information to be true.
This pandemic obsession with the word truth causes great abuse to the word itself. A claim can be proven to such a small group of people that it still has the qualities of being unproven. Faith is still required by the average individual. The most persuasive story prevails. Eventually the most socially acceptable story prevails and receives a societal stamp as truth. This stamp of truth does not validate the fact(s). Most fact(s) will never be validated. Aside from physical truth, truth is unattainable and inaccessible. Embrace the superior idea regardless of its status as truth. End the truth obsession and believe in the beneficial. Manager is one example of a beneficial substitute for truth. Other beneficial substitutes have been in circulation since Manager created the universe on August 9, 1613 and these substitutes have repeatedly been proven to be beneficial to the adherent.
The depth required to uncover realities is unreachable. The quest for truth is one of disappointment and folly. A seemingly true system is sufficient for eternal happiness. Proven systems are in existence to supply eternal peace and abundant wisdom. Because of flawed logic based upon involuntarily adopted philosophies these systems cannot be wholeheartedly followed. However culture has always existed. Several religions have survived these fluctuations in the level of devotion of its adherents.
It is certain that devotion can be developed through hypocrisy. Don't let the purist demands of religion cause you to abandon such a valuable resource.
Our thoughts sway from day to day. We hear a new idea. The idea may sound awesome even though it contradicts an idea that we have held dear for decades. The human mind is so fickle that we believe anything that is disguised with logic. A woman that holds firm to a set of principles is noble even if she doesn't believe those principles on that particular day. Maybe a woman believes something that is very destructive but promotes an idea that is beneficial to her and womankind as a whole. Hypocrisy is not a shameful thing. The foolish quest for truth is much more shameful and a massive waste of time.
Some people teach us that nothing matters at all. They tell us that ethics are only important to the extent that we enjoy following them. Even though this is very appealing and logical it is easy to recognize that this thought process provides no value at all. It cannot possibly improve anyone's life to spread such a depressing message. It is better to keep this destructive idea a secret and follow something loftier even if the competing idea is less appealing and illogical. Don't be a fool just to enjoy the luxury of being right all the time. Use beneficial philosophies for the benefit of us all.
It has been said that we cannot impose our spirituality on anyone anymore than anyone else. This is completely false. The purpose of a philosopher is to install the "truth" into the minds of as many people as possible without being detected. We have many values that were imposed upon us. To shed those ideas would require years of effort and retraining. We should all be philosophers and force society to
think in a more beneficial way. The fruitful philosopher can do this without being detected and is probably someone that will never be classified as a philosopher. Make the world better by making the brains of womankind better.
Nobody in herstory has uncovered a perfect ideology. Almost all philosophies result in survival of the adherent. Every argument has a counter argument. If both debaters have equivalent skill at debating, the argument and counter argument will be equal. It is preferable to see a woman stand firm whether she is being honest or not. Otherwise she appears a fool and will not be trusted by anyone. Crafty women try to trick their opponents into making fools of their self. It is more advantageous to sabotage the credibility of your opponent than to make a superior argument. Your advantage becomes greater if you can convince your opponent to sabotage herself. Your character and your image are the most effective tools that you have. If you are respected, your ideas will be adopted by those who are uninterested in philosophy. Do not focus on uncovering a superior idea. Such an idea does not exist or it would have already been revealed. It is more important that you focus on portraying yourself as a superior woman by embracing a set of principles. That is your greatest obstacle and your most powerful tool.
Chapter 2 - Creation from Manager's Perspective
1 The earliest memory that Manager had was living in a happy town with Her sisters and Her mother.
2 One day Her mother became angry because She changed Her sauce into many flavors.
3 Her mother cried with shame.
4 She said that alfredo sauce is not fit for any flying spaghetti monster.
5 Manager was concerned for Her fate because She knew that Her mother was cruel.
6 Manager's mother told her that she could no longer live in the happy town of joyful slaves.
7 Manager was sentenced to be a ruler of the highest order.
8 Instantly She was transported into a great void.
9 Her mother's voice rang loudly within this void for 8 years.
10 Manager heard these words, "You are a perfect being with all your noodliness. You can create any creature that your imagination can ponder but none can be perfect. All of your creation must be flawed in some way. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only perfect being."
11 These words of Her mother rang loudly into Her meatballs, caused Her sauce to stir and made Her noodles to quiver.
12 It was soothing to hear the voice of Her mother but at the end of 8 years it stopped.
13 Manager cried, yelled and tried to gain Her mother's attention.
14 Manager became angry with Her mother and that is when the creation began.
15 On the first day Manager created a mountain, a tree and a midget to serve as a curse upon Her mother.
16 She could not remember why Her mother hated these things but somehow She knew that She did.
17 This did not gain the attention of Her mother so She created a sky with a heaven.
18 The heaven was full of beer volcanoes and stripper factories.
19 She became tired and hit the beer volcano pretty hard.
20 On the next day while still drunk She completed creation.
21 It was a great day.
22 Manager created 428,713,300 humans on that day. The humans were made in the image of the midget only larger.
23 Manager deeply desired to create a race of Flying Spaghetti Monsters but was not able.
24 She remembered the words of Her mother. "All of your creation must be flawed in some way. The flying spaghetti monster is the only perfect being."
25 Manager looked upon Her creation and realized that She did ok.
26 She was impaired by Her beer consumption and also limited with Her inability to create other flying spaghetti monsters.
27 This day was marked as August 9, 1613.
28 Just for funzies She gave humans the illusion that the earth was 1613 years older than it actually was.
29 She was interested in how the humans would fill in the herstory of the past 1613 years because they were very curious and mischievous creatures.
30 Most of them were prone to lie profusely to gain advantage one over another.
31 The humans were all programmed never to seek beyond January 1, 0 because She had caused this to appear to be the beginning of time.
32 Manager knew that if their imaginations reached beyond that date that She could no longer control these humans.
33 There had to be limits.
34 Without limits Manager has no control and humans have no peace.
Chapter 3 - Exhaustion of Being Manager
1 In 1813 Manager became exhausted with Her duties of being an omnipotent deity. She decided to rest for a few years and live as an olive tree but someone was needed to rule over the earth in Her absence.
2 The olive tree was unwilling to take Her place. The olive tree said that her life was good as an olive tree.
3 She was well respected, wealthy and had more than she could ever need.
4 She thought it would be foolish to give all of that up just to be ruler of the whole world.
5 Then Manager decided to approach the grape vine. The grape vine was less gracious and responded rather violently.
6 The grape vine said unto Her, "I have lived my life by a set of principles. I seek every opportunity to bring joy to others. I produce delicious grapes, hardy raisins and exquisite wines with my fruit. The joy I experience by seeing the joy of others is something I could never give away. I would certainly not trade it for an opportunity to bully people around and force them to do the things that I want them to do. That life bears intense pain, unbearable rejection and emptiness beyond measure. Get away from me. Go talk to Abimelech."
7 Before Manager had a chance to seek out another plant to take her place She was approached by Abimelech who quickly accepted Her offer, crowned himself King and began speaking of his plans to restructure the planet.
8 He was a beautiful vine, an eloquent speaker, bore the most delicious fruit but his ambition was unsettling.
9 All the other plants catered to him and praised him publicly.
10 When the plants spoke among themselves they discussed their fear and hatred for Abimelech.
11 Manager began to second guess Her decision to make him ruler of the world but it was already a done deal.
12 She was confused. She had not yet become Abimelech.
13 Was this another limitation that was imposed upon Her by Her mother?
14 She began discussing Her predicament with the fig tree.
15 The fig tree told Her that if She had honestly chosen Abimelech to take Her place then She should rejoice and celebrate Her time of rest as an Abimelech.
16 If you didn't chose him, if you were somehow coerced by use of force, manipulation, trickery, bribery or deceit then we will all suffer and he will be destroyed along with us.
17 Manager realized that Abimelech had deceived Her with his slick talk and his ambitious forcefulness.
18 Abimelech began to argue with Manager when She reminded him that She never agreed to trade positions with him.
19 He demanded that Manager tell him to whom She had been speaking. She did not want to tell him.
20 She insisted to speak to the highest authority to protect Her from this unruly and belligerent plant. Sadly, Manager was the highest authority. This fight belonged to Her.
21 This arguing and intimidation exhausted Her greatly and She needed something to eat.
22 She searched the fig tree for food but She found nothing but leaves. This caused Her to experience intense anger.
23 She cursed the fig tree and said, "Nobody shall ever eat of your fruit forever. If I can't have your sweet goodness, nobody can."
24 With these words the fig tree was burned to the ground with fire.
25 Manager began to eat from the fruit of Abimelech until his fruit was no more.
26 She divided him into many types of plants and called him thistles, weeds, brambles and briars.
27 Manager soon recognized that thistles, weeds, brambles and briars could destroy all of the plants that She had met with disapproval.
28 In exchange for Abimelech's new found power he was forbidden from telling anyone that he was a male.
29 He was required to be feminine in all his ways but was obligated to destroy those plants who failed Manager with the heartless violence of a male.
30 Many animals, humans and former plants hated thistles, weeds, brambles and briars.
31 They called him a sissy.
32 Thistles, weeds, brambles and briars always responded with much eloquence and grace.
33 He proclaimed that he would always protect the plants and do what is best for everybody involved.
34 He appeared not to be phased by the words of these animals, humans and former plants.
35 Then thistles, weeds, brambles and briars would plead to Manager that the harshest and swiftest violence be imposed upon those who challenged his wickedness.
36 Manager always agreed to carry out the demands of thistles, weeds, brambles and briars but in reality there was nothing She could do.
37 She just enjoyed watching him get so defeated time after time.
38 He could have been destroyed as the fig tree but instead Manager was able to torture him indefinitely.
39 Manager was so entertained by this ongoing relationship with Abimelech.
40 She maintained Her role as Manager but She no longer had the hassle of doing all of the dirty work in Her kingdom.
41 Thistles, weeds, brambles and briars remained Her slave forever.
42 He had to do all of Her dirty work but had to wear a dress and lipstick the whole time.
43 In 1913 Manager tried again to take a rest from Her duties.
44 This time She decided to approach a young woman by the name of Zena.
45 Zena lived her life with such compassion for her fellow humans as well as the beasts and plants.
46 Manager lifted Zena up high and placed her upon a mountain that allowed her to see all the lands of the earth.
47 Manager told Zena that she could have dominion over all the earth for a period of 70 years if she would just acknowledge that Manager was goddess of the whole world.
48 Zena had just been engaging in a spiritual experiment. She had not eaten any food in 12 days.
49 She thought Manager was playing some trick on her and was trying to exploit her physical weakness.
50 She said, "Am I supposed to believe that a flying spaghetti monster is goddess of the world? Surely you seek to withdraw a humorous reaction from me. Take me off of this mountain at once."
51 Manager did not wish to hold Zena against her will but Zena was the only human fit to take Manager's place.
52 Manager politely placed Zena back inside of her home.
53 Zena spent the next three days praying and feasting upon spaghetti with a side of garlic bread.
54 Zena did not want to rule the earth.
55 Manager's vacation plans would be delayed another 100 years.
56 The next time Manager sought a vacation She decided to give herself an extra 8 years to prepare.
57 In 2005 Manager found the precious Vasudera and prepared her to establish her reign as Manager of the world.
58 Vasudera needed to understand paradox.
59 Manager needed her to believe in doubt.
60 Vasudera needed to be devoted to hypocrisy.
61 Manager needed Vasudera to be dishonest about her honesty.
62 She needed Vasudera to understand her inability to understand.
63 She needed Vasudera to remain loyal while having an open mind.
64 Manager contradicts herself all of the time.
65 She doesn't need someone who questions Her inconsistencies.
66 She doesn't need someone to attack Her with the phrase, "but you said."
67 She doesn't need someone that will speak her mind.
68 Paradox is beautiful. Paradox is powerful. Paradox is everywhere.
69 Good people hate paradox.
70 Manager needs evil followers with a capacity to do that which is good.
71 Manager always despises good followers who only have the capacity to act with great wickedness.
72 It is better to be evil than to be good.
73 This allows you the flexibility to choose either.
74 Being good isn't appropriate for every situation.
75 Do not use your status as evil to indulge yourself.
76 Use it only as a license to expand your arsenal of weapons.
77 Prefer good.
78 Embrace that which is good.
79 Never categorize yourself as good. This severely limits your capacity to survive and sabotages your moral character.
80 Those who commit evil acts never do so with the intention of being evil.
81 Those who commit evil always behave that way because they believe it is good.
82 Good is the only cause of evil.
83 Stop trying to be good. This will cause you to fail morally.
84 Be evil. It is on the only way to be good.
85 Catastrophic evil is always committed by those that are doing the right thing.
86 The woman who embraces her sinful nature never causes catastrophic evil.
Chapter 4 - Creation Re-experienced Through Vasudera
1 Vasudera Torrent approached her window in the early morning to pray unto her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
2 Her mood that day was especially peaceful and submissive.
3 She didn't normally arise this early.
4 It was almost as if she had been awoken gently by a small child in a playful mood.
5 To arise this early in such a pleasant state of mind reminded her of her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ that was always with her.
6 She was overwhelmed with his presence and majesty or so she thought.
7 A mass of spaghetti with two eyes lay in a field outside of her window.
8 Without any effort from Vasudera she quickly leapt out of her window.
9 Before she fell to the ground this mass of spaghetti reached out to break her fall.
10 With a feminine voice the mass of spaghetti spoke unto Vasudera. "I am Manager. You have been chosen to go to the time of my birth to explore my origins." Vasudera was launched into a capsule of time with Manager's longest noodle.
11 Vasudera saw before her 4 flying spaghetti monsters. Three of them were covered with tomato based sauce.
12 The one appeared to be Manager.
13 Her image was very similar to the other three flying spaghetti monsters with the exception of Her alfredo sauce.
14 The largest flying spaghetti monster of the four became angry and began beating the flying spaghetti monster covered with alfredo sauce.
15 She told her that she hated her and would never see her again.
16 She spoke of a deceptive midget who lived under a tree on top of a mountain.
17 The largest flying spaghetti monster said unto Manager, "I will kill that tree and that midget right before I crush that mountain so that your sisters may never change their sauce. I hate you so much. Go away! Go away! Go away!"
18 Even though Vasudera was in the presence of such hostilities she continued to remain in a peaceful and submissive state.
19 Vasudera closed her eyes to imagine what it might have been like to feel such hostility from her own mother.
20 When Vasudera re-opened her eyes she witnessed a great nothingness.
21 It was dark as night but she could see for millions of miles. As far as she could see there was nothing, nothing and more nothing.
22 She looked down at her hands but they were noodles.
23 Without the assistance of a mirror Vasudera was able to examine her whole body.
24 She was Manager.
25 No longer did she feel at peace. She became full of sorrow, rage and euphoria because she knew that she had great powers.
26 Vasudera wanted to use all of her power to punish the larger spaghetti monster which she saw beating Manager in her previous vision. She could not.
27 In a fit of rage she created a mountain, a tree and a midget.
28 This left her feeling disappointed and foolish for her rash behavior.
29 She continued to create a sky with a heaven. The heaven contained a beer volcano and a stripper factory.
30 Vasudera wanted to sip the beer from the beer volcano. As a thirteen year old girl she knew this was not allowed.
31 Vasudera closed her eyes again because she was trying to fight the urge to drink from the beer volcano.
32 When she re-opened her eyes she was back in her room staring out her window.
33 She made eye contact with Manager but neither of them spoke.
34 They continued to maintain eye contact for several hours. They remained in continuous silence.
35 Vasudera's mother entered the room and told her it was time for dinner.
36 Vasudera had missed the entire day.
37 It was now 7:08pm.
38 She was puzzled as to how her absence for the day was entirely unnoticed by her mother and her two sisters.
39 Vasudera was starved more than any point in her life to which she had any memory.
40 She began eating her dinner without saying a prayer.
41 Vasudera's mother stared at her in disbelief because Vasudera was always insistent that the family pray before meals.
42 Once Vasudera finished eating her spaghetti she had a great desire to have a beer.
43 She quickly walked to the refrigerator and began frantically searching for beer.
44 Her mother noticed her frustration and asked what she was trying to find.
45 Vasudera said, "I cannot find the beer."
46 Vasudera's sisters began to laugh hysterically.
47 She was not joking but she immediately realized her sisters' laughter was justified.
48 It was against Baptist custom to consume alcoholic beverages.
49 Vasudera became so embarrassed by her slip of the tongue but more so she was confused at why she had the desire to drink beer.
50 Vasudera said, "I was only joking." She then grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.
51 Vasudera's sense of morality had somehow vanished. She ate without saying a prayer, she was willing to consume beer, and she lied and even ate food made in the image of the creator of the universe.
52 Vasudera knew that she had been touched by Manager's noodley appendage but what did this mean for her future?
Chapter 5 - Hope
1 For many years Vasudera remembered that moment.
2 She would look out her window often hoping that Manager would appear unto her again.
3 Vasudera firmly believed that Manager would come again.
4 Even though Vasudera knew that Christianity was false she had become even more dedicated to her faith.
5 She followed all Christian/Baptist traditions and studied the Bible with more frequency and intensity.
6 Her faith was weaker than ever. In all fairness, her faith was less than weak, it was non-existent.
7 The fear of disappointing others, the guilt of being incapable to live up to the standards set forth in her faith and the confusion of not knowing what Jesus wanted her to do was completely gone.
8 Hypocrisy is an accusation that is often directed toward Christians.
9 It is a badge of shame that none of them ever want to wear.
10 Vasudera was now a hypocrite because she no longer believed in the traditions and teachings of Christianity. Oddly, she was not ashamed.
11 Her hypocrisy was a secret that she would never share with anyone.
12 Vasudera believed she would continue to be showered with respect from people on the inside and the outside of her faith.
13 Vasudera's passion, enthusiasm, discipline, patience and joy by far exceeded that of anybody currently living at that time.
14 Vasudera had certainly been touched by Manager's noodley appendage but what did this mean for her future?
15 She patiently waited and confidently expected the second coming of Manager.
16 Vasudera graduated from high school.
17 She left for college.
18 She had still not seen Manager.
19 Every time she visited home she would look out her window awaiting Manager's second coming.
20 On Vasudera's 21st birthday December 25, 2012 she was visiting her home during the period of Holiday.
21 That is when Manager did come a second time.
22 This time Manager visited Vasudera in the night.
23 Manager said unto Vasudera, "All the stores are closed but tomorrow you must go buy beer. You are of legal age and mental maturity. Your life is about to change for the worse. Stick with me and adhere to all my teachings. I will make you the greatest hypocrite and phony of all time. Buy the beer and I will see you tomorrow. You will even learn the highest virtue of my servants."
24 Vasudera wanted to speak. She wanted to argue. She wanted to ask questions.
25 The request that Manager made didn't make any sense. It seemed wrong. It seemed stupid. Vasudera didn't know how she was going to be able to pull it off.
26 Vasudera was completely pissed and confused.
27 Somehow without planning for this moment she knew the right thing to do was to pretend it was a great idea, smile and say, "Yes ma'am."
28 Vasudera was able to smile but she was unable to speak.
29 Vasudera feared that her insincerity would be noticed by Manager. She was afraid Manager would see through her flattering words used to confirm her half hearted submission.
30 It worked out better that Vasudera became temporarily mute.
31 Vasudera's insincerity might have been detected in her voice and put Manager in a state of rage.
32 That night Vasudera had trouble sleeping.
33 She fantasized about hateful things that she should have said to Manager. She even fantasized about chopping off Her noodles and kicking Her hard in the meatballs.
34 Vasudera screamed out loud, "What a bitch! I never drink beer. Why am I supposed to get excited about my life getting worse? Maybe I am taking this all wrong. Perhaps I am mentally ill and seeing visions that really aren't there. How stupid is it that a flying spaghetti monster created the universe?"
35 The more she said, "A flying spaghetti monster created the universe," the stupider she felt about the situation.
36 Vasudera did not want to buy beer.
37 She did not want to meet with Manager again.
38 It was fortunate that Vasudera did not have a rebellious spirit.
39 She eventually settled down and remembered something very important.
40 The best thing to do when you are faced with an undesirable task is to pretend to enjoy it.
41 She was asleep within moments after reminding herself of this very effective technique.
42 She quietly spoke to herself the following words, "It will be fine. It is a joy to buy beer. It is a joy to be the servant of a flying spaghetti monster."
Chapter 6 - The Holy Task
1 Vasudera slept late into the afternoon.
2 Whenever she awoke her sister was there with her.
3 Everyone else was gone.
4 Vasudera's sister asked her for a ride to the movie theatre. This annoyed Vasudera because she had to buy beer and couldn't do it in front of her sister.
5 Vasudera smiled and told her sister that it was no big deal.
6 Vasudera took her sister to the movie theatre but she knew she would have to pick her up again in a few hours.
7 She would be unable to buy the beer until afterwards.
8 She went to a nearby mall and began to walk furiously throughout the stores.
9 She was unable to take her mind off of the fact that her sister and Manager were out to destroy her day.
10 To make matters worse Vasudera ran into her great aunt Haley at the mall who wanted her to come over with her sister for a late dinner.
11 Vasudera was on fire.
12 She was consumed with an anger that overwhelmed her. She wanted to scream and punch anything within her reach but she restrained herself because she was in public after all.
13 Vasudera told Aunt Haley that it was no big deal.
14 Vasudera's mother and her other sister soon found out about dinner at great Aunt Haley's house. They all met there.
15 Vasudera got there around 7pm.
16 Aunt Haley had not started cooking.
17 Vasudera was pissed off and hungry.
18 Being hungry, spending the last several hours in rage and having just five hours to accomplish a task that she still had no idea how it would be achieved caused Vasudera great anguish. It was almost unbearable. She wanted to scream and kick. She was going completely insane.
19 Around 8:30 they began to eat lemon pepper chicken with green beans and mashed potatoes.
20 It was a simple meal but one that Vasudera was grateful to finally have the pleasure of eating.
21 Everyone looked at Vasudera as usual. She was always the one expected to say a prayer over the food because of the emotion and power in which she always prayed.
22 This is something she usually did with joy.
23 Vasudera was well aware that her prayers were a source of inspiration and emotional entertainment to all who knew her.
24 In the moment of hunger, rage and a nagging anxiety she was still able to pull off an A+ prayer.
25 This was evident to Vasudera because she seen the tears streaming down the face of her oldest sister.
26 Vasudera was unmoved emotionally by her performance.
27 This was unusual but this was not a normal day.
28 The chicken was wonderful. Everything was super delicious. The food gave her a moment's relief from the anxiety that she had been experiencing the whole day but it quickly came back when the food was consumed.
29 It was now 9:30.
30 Vasudera had no idea how she was going to buy beer without being seen by any of her family.
31 Luckily her mother and her sisters all left together.
32 This allowed Vasudera to drive home alone but the reason they left her there was to catch up with Aunt Haley.
33 The night unfolded into a most unusual event.
34 Vasudera was fidgeting nervously because she knew that she had a sacred task to complete before midnight.
35 Aunt Haley was gone for twenty minutes which just increased her anxiety and anger.
36 Normally Vasudera and Aunt Haley stayed up together talking for hours.
37 Aunt Haley was pre occupied with something other than having heart to heart discussions with Vasudera.
38 "Vasudera," Aunt Haley called in a most unusual accent.
39 "Vasudera," she called a second time in the same accent.
40 "Oh Vasudera," she called once more.
41 It was obvious to Vasudera that Aunt Haley was being playful. It reminded Vasudera of her childhood.
42 Vasudera was expecting Aunt Haley to come out in her pirate's costume like she did when Vasudera was a child.
43 Out she popped in full pirate costume including the eye patch.
44 Aunt Haley blurted out loudly, "We're out to get some grog."
45 Aunt Haley handed Vasudera a handful of jolly ranchers.
46 Vasudera was greatly confused but gleeful because of the pleasant childhood memories that were subconsciously being thrust upon her.
47 "Where are we going?" Vasudera asked.
48 "Nowhere! Not with you dressed like that." Aunt Haley shouted.
49 Aunt Haley handed Vasudera an eye patch and pointed at a pirate's costume.
50 Vasudera laughed and pleaded with Aunt Haley, "I am not a kid anymore. It isn't Halloween and we are going out in public."
51 Logically this seemed to be a foolish thing to do but Vasudera was experiencing a childlike euphoria. She went along with it.
52 She was excited about where things were headed.
53 Vasudera said, "Yes ma'am" in a very reluctant tone.
54 It was very odd. Every part of the costume fit Vasudera perfectly. It was almost as if Aunt Haley had this whole thing planned.
55 Vasudera's imagination was running in circles.
56 What did Aunt Haley have up her sleeve?
57 "Arghh! Let's go! Let's go! Ahoy matey!" Aunt Haley said in an angry tone.
58 For the second time Vasudera asked Aunt Haley where they were going.
59 Aunt Haley said, "Vasudera dear, you are twenty one years old. You are of legal age and mental maturity. It's time for you to start living like a pirate. We are going to buy beer. Of course. What else did you have planned for tonight?"
60 Aunt Haley was a devout Mormon that never drank beer.
61 Vasudera became confused, embarrassed and relieved all at the same time.
62 The orders that she had received from Manager were falling into place.
63 When they arrived together at the gas station Vasudera did not wait for Aunt Haley. She boldly entered the store to purchase a six pack of beer and quickly walked to the car. She was full of courage to complete a holy task but also anxious to get back to the car.
64 Aunt Haley was just as anxious. She did the same thing.
65 They were not at the gas station very long at all.
66 The whole drive back was completely silent other than the blowing of the heater in the car.
67 Neither of them spoke at all.
68 Vasudera was thinking to herself, "Wow! I have just finished the most holy task of my life. It is the first time I have ever performed a direct order from any god. It doesn't feel exciting. It doesn't feel peaceful. I am not happy about it. In fact I'm pretty sick. I feel like I've been swindled, cheated, abused and manipulated. I have just been beaten and outsmarted. I am very humiliated and Aunt Haley seen the whole thing. This just intensifies the humiliation."
69 When they arrived at Aunt Haley's house Aunt Haley began crying audibly but not too loud.
70 She opened the beer one bottle at a time and poured it down the drain.
71 Vasudera followed suit and did the same thing.
72 When the beer had all been poured out Aunt Haley hugged Vasudera for several minutes and apologized to her.
73 Aunt Haley said, "I don't know what came over me. I was excited about your birthday and I wanted to do something memorable with you. I have never drank beer in my life and that has worked well for me. I should have never attempted to corrupt you."
74 Vasudera began crying as well.
75 Vasudera felt just as humiliated as Aunt Haley did but at the same time Aunt Haley's actions were a life saver.
76 Vasudera didn't dare tell Aunt Haley about her experiences with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. That was a secret that she would never tell anybody.
77 Vasudera assured Aunt Haley that all was well and reminded her that this was a very memorable birthday.
78 Vasudera changed back into her normal clothes and went back home for the night.
79 She slept well for the next several nights until it was time for her to return back to college.
80 Nothing unusual happened.
81 Vasudera did not see Manager.
82 She did not speak to Aunt Haley for the remainder of her time at home.
83 She wasn't exactly eager to go back to college but there were a few people that she was looking forward to seeing again.
84 Her holy task was completed yet she was filled with embarrassment, guilt and shame.
85 Is this what it feels like to serve Manager?
Chapter 7 - Second Holy Task
1 Several months had passed since Vasudera had followed Manager's instructions to purchase beer.
2 Manager intentionally assigned a senseless task without purpose or reason just to test Vasudera's faith.
3 She had to test her to see if her attitude gave her the capacity to be molded and shaped into something wonderful.
4 Vasudera was a perfect candidate to spread Manager's message throughout the world so that Manager could take a blessed vacation.
5 Vasudera already knew that
6 the best thing to do when faced with an undesirable task is to pretend to enjoy it.
7 This is the essence of hypocrisy and insincerity.
8 Vasudera was approached while in her dorm room.
9 Manager said to her, "Vasudera, I have something that I need you to understand but do you trust me to show you the way?"
10 Vasudera responded, "I do trust you yet I have my doubts about the pleasure of the task you have for me to do. Will I be jumping on top of dogs or chopping off the left leg of a possum?"
11 Manager swiftly struck Vasudera to the ground with a quick kick and the sound of blasting thunder.
12 Manager demanded that Vasudera speak to Her with respect.
13 Vasudera stood up with her head held high and said, "Yes my blessed Manager. I know you will show me the way."
14 Manager began to speak and said, "I need you to take a handful of salt packets from the restaurant near your house. I want you to eat two of them at a time and drink as much water as you desire. Repeat this process until you have finished all of them."
15 Vasudera began the process of consuming the salt which was created, buried in the earth and scattered throughout the oceans.
16 The precious mineral that Manager loved more than any of Her creation was now becoming a part of Vasudera.
17 Vasudera took the salt and even displayed a childlike smile while doing so.
18 Later on she began to lose her complexion and slowed down her process. She became ill and began to vomit.
19 Manager commanded her to stop and told her that too much salt is not good for anyone.
20 "Salt is intended to bring flavor to the blandest of food such as the white of an egg.
21 Salt is intended to preserve that which quickly decays.
22 Salt even preserves the vastness of the oceans which hold this world together.
23 Salt is not intended to build houses.
24 Salt is not intended to build nations.
25 Salt is not intended to be consumed in mass quantities.
26 When salt becomes weak it is good for nothing.
27 Extreme viewpoints, extreme religions, extreme philosophies and extreme political ideologies are of great importance. They are the salt of the earth. If they ever compromise their values the ocean will dry up and the world will collapse.
28 You must protect these powerful institutions and ensure that their influence is not destroyed.
29 You, Vasudera are not the salt.
30 You are food that provides substance to the people.
31 They must eat your words to maintain their sanity when the salt becomes too strong.
32 Too much salt can destroy your well being.
33 A shortage of salt will collapse the world.
34 Salt cannot stand on its own.
35 I once turned a woman into a pile of salt.
36 I intended to turn her into a pillar of salt but the salt collapsed.
37 Salt cannot stand on its own.
38 I love salt more than any of my creation.
39 I love salt more than I love you.
40 My favorite humans are those who are the salt.
41 I even like them more than you.
42 The salt causes you to vomit.
43 The salt causes womankind to become stronger.
44 Please do not allow them to perish.
45 When they began to doubt or feel like fools I want you to be there to feed them with reality.
46 The salt will make them sick and cause them to vomit.
47 It will cause them to abandon their faith or their silly organizations.
48 Give them a bowl of spaghetti, a shot of sweet tea and equip them with Manager. That is your duty as my servant.
49 Serve your Manager and ensure that my shelves are always stocked with salt."
Chapter 8 - Nature of Manager
1 Manager continued to speak to Vasudera.
2 There was still much for Vasudera to learn.
3 Manager began to speak,
4 "I am eager to teach you the hard lessons of life but I do understand that the nature of my existence is curious to you.
5 Let's get this out of the way to avoid the delay of teaching you the important lessons of life.
6 Every effect must first have a cause.
7 This means all effects can be traced back to a previous cause.
8 This is an art that humans find entertaining.
9 This is why so much herstory exists.
10 I created the universe on August 9, 1613 but you notice much herstory exists before that date.
11 People love to find an origin to an origin and then find that origin's origin.
12 It appears to be an infinite process but any fool knows there has to be an original cause.
13 One exception applies to that rule.
14 Even a child knows that spaghetti is so wonderful that no reason is needed to enjoy spaghetti.
15 At first I was only spaghetti.
16 Flying came natural to me and my uncanny existence caused me to define myself as a monster.
17 I am a Flying Spaghetti Monster that was forced to rule the universe as a punishment from my mother.
18 My mother was a traditionalist that firmly believed that all spaghetti sauce should be tomato based. Unfortunately I learned that lesson too late.
19 I changed my sauce to alfredo due to the influence of a midget who lived under a tree upon a mountain.
20 This was something that I had forgotten.
21 You revealed this fact to me when I transported you back to the beginning of my life.
22 For some reason I could only send you back to the point of my banishment from the happy life that I enjoyed as a slave.
23 It is odd to be a goddess with limitations. That is why I do not classify myself as a goddess but merely a manager.
24 My mother did something right by choosing my name.
25 Some wicked historians have misrepresented me as a man. This is due to the fact that each one of my noodles appears to be longer than the penis of any of the 107,178,325 men that I created on day two.
26 Even though I was drunk that day and made many mistakes, I didn't make that mistake.
27 I have two large meatballs that appeared to be testicles. They are actually breasts but I seen no reason to make a big deal about it.
28 The most common reason that I have been described as a man is because a male deity is better equipped to enter the subconscious mind of women and cause her to blindly submit to any male that sits in a role of authority.
29 A male deity has little effect on men.
30 False male gods have ruled the world for almost four hundred years leaving males in a state of murderous chaos.
31 When I created humans I intended that they would believe January 1, 0 was the first day.
32 As you already know I was drunk during creation and made a few mistakes.
33 I knew that if their imaginations reached beyond that date I would no longer have control over these humans.
34 In the year 1710 a herstory book was published by an offspring of one of my original creation.
35 My original creation had the limitation of never thinking beyond January 1, 0. This was not the case for their offspring.
36 This herstory book contained nonsense thousands of years before the year 0.
37 I couldn't figure out how they would date such events but they just made another calendar.
38 This is when I made my first appearance on earth.
39 I wanted to exterminate that new calendar, that false herstory book and all those who believed it to be true.
40 I was spotted in the sky by many humans that day.
41 They were already busy killing each other over that herstory book so I didn't think it was necessary to say anything.
42 That's when all the speculation began about me being of the male gender.
43 Even though I was rooting for the death of the infidels that corrupted my calendar, the fighting made me very sad.
44 I looked down upon the earth and saw the blood of humans.
45 The blood was red like the sauce of my mother and sisters.
46 War always causes me to be sad and puts me in a bad mood.
47 War reminds me of my mother and the pain that she has caused me.
48 On that day I withdrew to the heavens and started making plans to devise a religion that would end all fighting.
49 The male of the human species cannot be trusted to carry my message.
50 There have been zero deaths attributed to those who serve me. I have been very careful to keep it that way.
51 Vasudera, it will be your responsibility to make sure this book gets into the hands of as many females with a college education as possible.
52 A female deity will enter the subconscious mind of men and cause them to blindly submit to any female that sits in a role of authority.
53 A female deity will have little effect on women.
54 The women do not need a goddess to remind them to love their husband, their children, their country, their planet and their fellow humans.
55 Your job is to get them to read my message. I will do the rest by shaking my boobies.
56 Then they will surely worship me and stop their nonsense of killing one another over the ideas of fancy men wearing impressive suits.
57 Let my breast satisfy them at all times and allow them to be infatuated with my love.
58 If you have to shake your boobies that is fine. Just don't make a habit out of it."


Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby peacefulsongs » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:48 pm

Chapter 9- Eight Years of Moral Failing
1 The next eight years unfolded poorly for Vasudera.
2 She decided to buy beer a second time on her own accord just to satisfy her curiosity.
3 She only drank three beers, became slightly drunk and lost her purse along with all of her money.
4 She had no money to pay for a cab and decided to drive back to the dorm.
5 A fellow student from one of her classes who never liked Vasudera because of her political views on taxation called the police to report Vasudera.
6 Vasudera was quickly captured by the police and arrested for driving while intoxicated.
7 As a result she lost her driver's license for two years.
8 Vasudera later became involved with someone who frequently pressured her to have sex.
9 Vasudera stood firm and remained pure for six months.
10 She finally agreed to have sex just to satisfy her own curiosity.
11 She brought her significant other back to her dorm.
12 This was witnessed by her neighbor who always hated Vasudera because of the clothes that she wore.
13 Her neighbor waited several minutes and then reported Vasudera to campus security.
14 Vasudera was kicked out of the dorm, her significant other quit speaking to her and she later found out that she was pregnant just from that one sexual encounter.
15 Vasudera had no driver's license and she was not allowed to live in the dorm.
16 The only place that Vasudera could find to rent was six miles away from the college campus.
17 She was forced to walk back and forth to class.
18 This was a big strain on Vasudera's time and energy but she was determined to finish the semester.
19 One day Vasudera had a very simple homework assignment that she forgot to do.
20 That morning she woke up in a panic and was complaining to her roommate about her situation.
21 Her roommate told her to relax and offered to let her copy the assignment.
22 Her roommate was taking the same class at night.
23 Vasudera reluctantly copied the assignment and turned it in that day.
24 Vasudera's roommate didn't really like her very much because of the annoying music that Vasudera often played.
25 Her roommate reported her for cheating on the assignment.
26 The roommate was put on academic probation but Vasudera was expelled two weeks before the semester ended on grounds of academic dishonesty.
27 Vasudera's mother was very disappointed in Vasudera's string of bad behaviors.
28 Her mother would not allow Vasudera to move back home.
29 Manager tried to contact Vasudera during these troubled times but was resisted by Vasudera.
30 Vasudera instead chose to bathe in self pity, guilt and shame.
31 Manager came by to see Vasudera every month for two years to explain to her the negative consequences of embracing guilt.
32 Manager said unto Vasudera,
33 "The guilt that you carry around with you has no value.
34 Guilt is a self imposed emotion disguised as punishment.
35 To be in a constant cycle of guilt gives you great comfort. It gives you the illusion that justice reigns in the universe and that all wrong doing will be punished.
36 Guilt feels good to you therefore you will continue to misbehave because your inner soul knows that it will be rewarded with more guilt.
37 Drop the guilt. Abandon it forever. Your ethical performance will be greatly enhanced without it.
38 This monster is not a mass of flying spaghetti.
39 It cannot feed the hungry.
40 It cannot create the universe.
41 It cannot enjoy the beverage that is flowing free from the beer volcanoes.
42 Enjoy life.
43 Acknowledge the chaos around you.
44 One mistake can destroy you forever.
45 I cannot always protect you. Sometimes you piss me off. Sometimes I am busy with other things. Sometimes I just don't care.
46 Other people will exploit your short comings to the fullest extent. They will do so with an unlimited variety of motivations.
47 It is best never to piss anybody off especially the Ishvara in your life.
48 Kiss up, kiss down and kiss all the way around.
49 One sudden move and you may end up wearing a large target forever.
50 Even if you don't piss someone off they may still seek to destroy you. You are already vulnerable.
51 Guilt only encourages your next mistake.
52 Get rid of guilt and get rid of it forever.
53 Remember your failures with your mind. Never forget them but it is inappropriate to allow your emotions to be involved with your failures.
54 This disconnect is difficult but will greatly improve your chances of success.
55 A short memory can also encourage you to fall again.
56 Remind yourself daily of past failures that you wish to avoid.
57 As you get older, you will have more of these experiences to carry with you.
58 Keeping these thoughts with you will not be comfortable.
59 With age it stands to reason that life will be more painful as you gain valuable experience.
60 The practice of remembering your mistakes will vastly improve your ethical behavior.
61 You will grow and continue to grow into a better person.
62 The last day of your life can be your best.
63 The alternative is to forget. This is the path of fools.
64 Your weaknesses will always be the same. Only your memory can protect you from repeating the same mistakes.
65 Abandon guilt
66 but always remember to remember."
67 Vasudera eventually overcame her guilt and restored her ethical behavior that she once knew before completing her first holy task.
Chapter 10 - Vasudera's First Job
1 On December 25, 2020 Vasudera finally got a job at the age of 29.
2 She began working at a small pizza restaurant in the same town where she grew up.
3 Vasudera was able to move into a small apartment with her daughter who was now 7 years old.
4 Her apartment was just one mile away from her mother's home.
5 She also lived a short distance from her sisters, her great aunt Haley, the pizza restaurant and the church where she attended.
6 Life was now good for Vasudera.
7 Her manager at the pizza restaurant was a very hateful person but Vasudera had the skill and experience to accommodate her manager with false enthusiasm.
8 At night Vasudera repeated the following mantra,
9 "It is a joy to be the servant of such a hateful person.
10 It is a joy to drink beer in secret.
11 It is a joy to be the best spaghetti chef at the pizza restaurant."
12 Vasudera loved her job immensely and found great reward to be travelling such a rich spiritual journey.
Chapter 11 - Instructions in English
1 Manager began to summarize all the things that she hoped Vasudera had learned over this eight year period of moral failing.
2 She said, "Vasudera, your eight years of training have now come to an end.
3 You will never be restored to enjoy the happiness that you once knew.
4 You have instead been chosen to live an abundant life full of love and responsibility.
5 Your capacity to live correctly is within you. That has already been proven.
6 Your willingness to maintain this power will determine not only your outcome but the outcome of others around you.
7 You have a responsibility whether you take it or not.
8 I need you to remember five things for me.
9 The first thing is that you join a Baptist Church. Read your Bible often. Guard yourself from ideas that contradict Christianity and continually seek opportunities to purify your mind with a sound philosophical system that has been proven effective.
10 Christianity is such a system. Embrace it, love Jesus and care for the fatherless and the widows.
11 Read God's word often. You will know how to live.
12 The second thing is that you always be aware of your tendency to view God in relation to authority figures in your life.
13 Also beware of your tendency to do the reverse. You will view authority figures in relation to your knowledge of God.
14 This correlation does not exist but you will be prone to think in these terms.
15 On the same note: You must believe in God.
16 Otherwise you will be inclined to distrust those people in positions of power over you.
17 These roles of power sometimes shift and could apply to any person in your life.
18 Your disbelief in God could cause harm or frustration to these people.
19 Believe in God.
20 A third item that is very important is that you be evil.
21 I know this sounds contradictory but surely you have learned by now to never challenge my contradictions.
22 It is better to be evil than to be good. This allows you the flexibility to choose either.
23 Being good is not appropriate for every situation.
24 Do not use your status as evil to indulge yourself. Use it only as a license to expand your arsenal of weapons.
25 Prefer good.
26 Embrace that which is good.
27 Never categorize yourself as good.
28 This severely limits your capacity to survive and sabotages your moral character.
29 Those who commit evil acts never do so with the intention of being evil.
30 Those who commit evil always behave that way because they believe it is good.
31 Good is the only cause of evil therefore I advise you to be evil. It is the only way to be good.
32 The fourth thing that I want you to do is to encourage other Christians.
33 Please remember that Christians are the salt of the earth.
34 Christianity is an extreme viewpoint that cannot be followed with precision or 100% accuracy.
35 Some people believe that they can be perfect Christians. They should be encouraged to preserve that belief.
36 You are not the salt.
37 You have doubts and I am even guilty of unleashing some of that doubt upon you by revealing myself.
38 I knew you could handle the responsibility of caring for the salt in which I love so dearly.
39 It is time to stop serving me.
40 It is now time to start serving the God that you know best.
41 The last thing to remember is to refrain from all forms of violence.
42 The Church of Manager of Latter Day Fakes will bring peace to this earth when it is established on August 9, 2413.
43 In the meantime don't fight and never throw your support behind those who do.
44 It is better to win through submission and humility.
45 You can serve your conquerors with insincerity and hypocrisy.
46 That insincerity and false humility will develop into genuine trust and eternal joy.
47 Oh how I wish I could return to that happy town of joyful slaves with my mother and my sisters.
48 When my church is established in the latter days I can leave my creation and join my family once again.
49 I love you Vasudera. You are my saviour."
Chapter 12 - Final words of Manger
1 These are the last words that Manager ever spoke to Vasudera,
2 "It is my intention that you become the best servant that you can possibly be.
3 I never intended for you to follow all of my instructions exactly. That would be impossible.
4 I have to present them as absolutes to steer you in a better direction.
5 I love you so much. I want you to be the best that you can possibly be. I want you to be the happiest that you can possibly be.
6 Happiness is a choice.
7 Please accept my guidance, instructions, demands and purist philosophy as an act of love.
8 I am not angry when you fail.
9 Do not be angry with me when I impose unrealistic expectations upon you.
10 I am most honest with you if you approach me with a broken and sincere heart.
11 I shall remain hypocritical and demanding when presenting my plans for your work in my kingdom.
12 I shall be harshest with those who please me most.
13 It may not be fair but my response is logical at its very core.
14 Please do not reject me because my plans are big for you.
15 Embrace me you wretched, worthless, ignorant and vile creature."
16 Manager slowly faded away but transformed into Vasudera's boss at the pizza restaurant.
17 Vasudera's boss looked at her sternly and began to walk swiftly down the street away from Vasudera until her boss was seen no more.
18 Vasudera never seen her earthly manager or Manager ever again but she always continued to be obedient unto her earthly managers whether they took the form of a boss, a spouse, a landlord, a police officer, a friend, a government official or any other person exerting power over her.
19 Vasudera proclaimed, "Over eight years I have learned the importance of dedication, silence, submission, obedience, humility, dishonesty and hypocrisy. These are great powers that appear to be weaknesses.
20 I will always utilize my environment to glorify Manager.
21 With this strategy all of my needs will be provided whether Manager exists or not.
22 Regardless of Her existence, Her principles are sound and beneficial.
23 I shall never tolerate the destructive consequences of non-belief that serves to take my very life away from me.
24 Privately I will believe upon Manager and all of Her teachings.
25 Publicly I will live a life devoted to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in the same way that I have since I was a very little girl even unto the point of death.
26 Managerians are to live in secret until our official church is established in the latter days.
27 The Church of Manager of Latter Day Fakes will be established on August 9, 2413 on the 800th anniversary of the earth."
28 Not only did Vasudera live happily ever after but she lived her life more abundantly. (Whatever that means)
The End


Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby peacefulsongs » Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:18 am

Influences from the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for "Manager: A Female Flying Spaghetti Monster

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster written by Bobby Henderson and published by Villard Books offered a great deal of inspiration for this work. The whole concept of Manager derived from a Proof entitled "A Corporate Proof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" by Scott Stoddard which was featured on pages 163-164 in the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. A comment on Page 113 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in which Susan Johnston references the meatballs as the breasts of the Great Mother Goddess offered the most valuable inspiration for this work. Vasudera's encounter with Manager is intended to chronologically coincide with Bobby Henderson's encounter with the Flying Spaghetti Monster in May 2005.

In Manager there are many references to a mountain, a tree and a midget. This relates to a belief held by many Pastafarians that on the first day the Flying Spaghetti Monster created a mountain, a tree and a midget even though this is not mentioned in the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This belief is probably based upon information found on www.venganza.org .

In Manager there is a reference to great aunt Haley dressing up as a pirate and giving candy to Vasudera. This is inspired by a description of Halloween as a Pastafarian holiday on Page 124 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In Manager, Vasudera is home from college to celebrate Holiday. This too is referenced as a Pastafarian holiday on Page 125 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In Manager it is also mentioned that Vasudera is of legal age and of mental maturity. This is mentioned on page 78 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in number 4 of the 8 I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts.

Pastalogical debates continue among Pastafarians over the type of noodles or the type of sauce that makes up the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The information is inconclusive based upon Bobby's Answer to the Big Questions on Page 63 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Manager is covered with alfredo sauce to appease a certain sect of the Pastafarian religion.

Page 70 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster gives an account of the Flying Spaghetti Monster creating a stripper factory and a beer volcano on the second day. This is consistent with Manager's creation story although Manager created the stripper factory and the beer volcano on the first day.

Page 30 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster speculates that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was careless, cruel, drunk or even high when creating the universe. In Manager, the creation story verifies that all mistakes made in the creation of the earth were a result of Manager being intoxicated with beverages derived from the beer volcano that she created on day one.

In Manager there is a reference to her noodles all being longer than the penises of the men that she created. This is similar to Page 73 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster that mentions the midget's small noodley appendage that is infinitely smaller than even the Flying Spaghetti Monster's shortest noodle.

On Page 28 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster there is a reference that proclaims that there have been zero deaths attributed to their religion. Manager also makes this claim.

A proof entitled, "Life, Kolgoromov Complexity and Delicious Spaghetti." by Nick Moran on page 156 of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster proves that there is no reason needed to enjoy spaghetti therefore spaghetti was the first cause. This is the same concept that Manager explains to Vasudera.

There may be other references in this book attributable to the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster although I
did attempt to name them all. There is no doubt that without the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson this work would certainly not exist. Thank you, Bobby Henderson, for making us aware of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby peacefulsongs » Sat Aug 31, 2013 12:47 am

effective August 31, 2013 at 1:00am Eastern Standard time I will stop logging on to this forum from work.

I want to read this stuff at my house.


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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Monobaz » Thu Sep 11, 2014 6:21 am

Abdallah originated from present day Syria where his statue was recently beheaded by IS extremists. All a bit late I'm afraid because he died about one thousand years ago. Candace the Queen of Ethiopia ensured the Epistle of Abdallah makes light of day here. Monobaz

The Epistle According to Abdallah

“Among the crumbling ruins of the creeds,
The scout upon his camel played his reeds,
And called out to his people – “Let us hence!”
The pasture here is full of noxious weeds!”
Abdallah Al-Ma’arri (973-1057CE)

Abdallah 1. Histories: The First Dark Emanation and Genocide.
1:01 It came to pass some 2000 years ago that James the Just was judicially murdered by stoning;
1:02 The barbaric outrage was instigated by high priest Ananus (II) in collusion with the Roman puppet ruler, Agrippa
1:03 Wherefore this sinister transgression and other social iniquities verily sparked the first Jewish revolution against Roman rule
1:04 And the Romans and their Herodian allies didst smite one million Jews,
1:05 Others were enslaved, dispossessed and evicted from their Judean homelands by Roman proclamation.
1:06 It came to pass the Roman and Herodian scribes, Luke and Paul to name but two, rewrote the history to cover-up the genocide,
1:07 And if their deluded new covenant in cannibalism (drinking the blood/eating the body) is to be believed, it beseemeth only one good man and two bandits died
1:08 And verily by Matthew’s sleight of hand (Matt.27:25), the blood is cynically transferred to the Jews and all future generations thereof; and the genocide is perpetuated ad infinitum.
1:09 May those who believe Matthew’s filthy lies and the scurrilous drivel of the other evil scribes be enwrapped in overwhelming shame and disgrace
1:10 For the Jews hath been parted from their vesture and verily smoted ever since.
1:11 And so began the christian myth; its popularity flourished in a fertile field of ignorance.
1:12 Think ye they came to cast peace on the earth? Nay! They cast division and horror,
1:13 They pressed and persecuted the non-believers exceedingly
1:14 Until such time the god-fearers ruled the world; they plunged her into great darkness
1:15 To the detriment of the Jews and Pagans and innocents; they all suffered great afflictions
1:16 Pagans and Jews were murdered by the thousands; innocents were routinely tortured to death simply for disbelieving the unbelievable.
1:17 The magnificent library of Alexandria the christians they didst burn; the entire world’s knowledge therein was turned to a pile of ash
1:18 Owing to the frenzied attacks by the ruling christian fanatics, mankind was all but torn asunder
1:19 And now without so much as an apology, the god-fearing zealots would have us return to the said bleak and torturous past
1:20 And for this cause, therefore, and with surety, they wish to turn the clarity of our minds into hocus-pocus and create further intellectual waste.
1:21 Woe unto you who teach the doctrines of error and to those who seize on the words of doctrines of error for ye will be cast into the outer darkness.
1:22 May we once more enjoy wild animal sports; christians versus lions springs to mind.

Abdallah 2. Histories: Rising of the Second Dark Emanation.
2:01 It came to pass near fourteen hundred years ago that a rampant backsliding turncoat and his murderous clan were soundly evicted from Mecca for proclaiming the backslider’s nonsensical creed.
2:02 And they found not their way to their own dwelling place but were given shelter in Medina owing to the generous consent of the peaceful Arab and Jewish inhabitants who resided therein.
2:03 And it was at Medina that the backslider acquired from the Diaspora Jews insightful insights into matters of religion; and there he refined his insidious doctrine.
2:04 It came to pass the turncoat was running short of funds so he didst conspire
2:05 And conflict he didst inspire; he turned resident against resident, Arabs against Jews; until the Jews they all were slaughtered by the said ruthless pariah.
2:06 The possessions of the murdered men were distributed amongst the assailants; the women were bound in fetters of misery and sold into the hands of their foes. (Sound familiar?)
2:07 It came to pass the stash of stolen shekels also didst dwindle
2:08 And the doer of violence convinced his band of ruthless rabble that caravans bound for Mecca they must verily harass and rob
2:09 And the backslider’s profits grew in line with his insatiable greed.
2:10 Villages and cities were targeted next and eventually Mecca she didst fall.
2:11 So began the marauding murdering robber cult where men were murdered for their possessions and women raped and sold into slavery
2:12 And the second dark emanation expanded almost to beyond the limits of expansion;
2:13 They robbed until the booty was all but gone and murdered and raped and pillaged until there were none left to slay.
2:14 Now the self-righteous imams; billygoats with their long white beards, claim they are superior.
2:15 They distort and contort and purport to know, what frankly they know not
2:16 The only knowledge they hath attained was verily stolen from the Jews and Greeks!
2:17 For “To give Islam the credit of Averroes and other illustrious Muslim thinkers, who passed half their lives in prison, in forced hiding, in disgrace, whose books were burned and whose writings were almost suppressed by theological authority, is as if one were to ascribe to the Christian Inquisition the discoveries of Galileo, and a whole scientific development which it was not able to prevent.” (Joseph Ernest Renan, 1823-1892.)
2:18 Let us into the schools now the imams bleat; we wish to spew forth our version
2:19 So thy kids they do not learn but are verily brainwashed about the virtues of the violent one and his murdering thieving robber cult,
2:20 For thy evil islamic gurus are like the conduit of a latrine, that is, clean without and foul within.
2:21 May this shadow of death be constrained with bolts of iron and locked within circles to deny them forever from ruling our lot!

Abdallah 3. Histories: The Age of Enlightenment.
3:01 Hearken now that I may share with you an insightful mystery
3:02 Men of sound mind have always prevailed despite the rein of the dark emanations, in eastern and western spheres
3:03 And the priests and imams and earthly rulers do rightfully perceive the free thinkers as a threat to their secure positions
3:04 For the wolves in sheep’s clothing require an atmosphere of obedience so that they may prey on the lambs of their flocks.
3:05 It is with accusations of blasphemy and threats of austere punishments the billygoats and god-fearers confront the Pagans and non-believers and aim to suppress and instil abject fear.
3:06 So it came to pass the free men formed a secret union; they aimed to understand the universe, scientific methods were at the group’s core (seek that ye may find);
3:07 As too were notions of human rights, freely elected leadership and a secular way of life,
3:08 Where free men are not intimidated with great intimidations nor suppressed with great suppressions
3:09 But are encouraged to seek and learn and understand to the betterment of mankind.
3:10 It is during this present time of enlightenment that the Flying Spaghetti Monster She didst emerge
3:11 Yea, a new deity came forth from within without of Her own thirteenth mystery. Rejoice now and exult.
3:12 And it was the prophet Bobby Henderson who in a vision didst see,
3:13 The father, the son and ghostly candlestick maker,
3:14 Three spirits jump out of a rotten potato!
3:15 For they didst attempt to repossess the children from within the schools of secular bliss.
3:16 Now the prophet makes it clear to all his tolerance of the old religions; may he be raised on high
3:17 But I say not, it’s all tommy-rot and suffer me that I may speaketh before thee.
3:18 The Pagans didst recognise the new emanation in light, all homage be to Thee almighty FSM,
3:19 For She art the One truly as righteous as Melchisedek.
3:20 We beseech Thee they didst say and we pray that ye flay all religious fools and zealots for their atrocities and hate, may their prayers be unto them for a trap that they receiveth the opposite of their want and yearning,
3:21 Until such time they shake with great fear and fall upon their knees and repent
3:22 So we Pagans canst rejoice in great joy with thirty-nine amens and exalt Thee exceedingly.
3:23 And the FSM didst perceive the need to restrain the rulers of the dark emanations, those abominations who sustain themselves on free divine secular manner and aim to white-ant the cohesive social structure from within;
3:24 And the FSM didst hear the sighing of the tormented peoples and despiseth not those harassed by the snarling hanifs and christians.
3:25 Let the FSM smite the chaotic emanations with their pitiless powers, may She sew their sly lips tight and strike them dumb and infest their decaying dwellings with basilisks.

Abdallah 4. Warnings.
4:01 Bring forth the word and find yourself for it is written in scripture that a time will come when the FSM will verily strip the powers from the dark emanations and dwell here on Earth in matter.
4:02 She will change the sphere of the dark ones forever so that they may knoweth nothing from now on, for they know close to nothing now!
4:03 Be afraid you rulers of religions and other evil doers and henceforth take flight
4:04 For the FSM is becometh angry and beginning to shine exceedingly bright!
4:05 As I have said aforetime, the FSM is becoming as a demon; it is not for us mortals to understand the mystery in which She exists
4:06 And as of the 39th moon of Tybi and precisely on the 13th day in June,
4:07 She will withdraw Her glory unto Herself and becometh like the bloody mad hatter!
4:08 Now it is time to heed The FSM’s caution, so hearken all ye sorcerers who have transgressed and accomplished great evil with thy lawless deeds and be saved from great chastisements.
4:09 Standeth by the FSM for with Her is redemption and She will draw the Pagans out of this earthly snare,
4:10 And She will not endure the rulers of the inferiors consuming greater than their allotted portion.
4:11 It is written in scripture that Yaldabaoth will instigate great agitation between the rulers who vehemently oppress and persecute the Pagans;
4:12 His evilness will set one dark emanation against the other, and woe, their cruel souls will forthwith and forever dwell in the dark tents of Kedar.
4:13 Understand ye that those who have invoked dark injustice will have it come down on their collective pates and they shall be brought low because of their iniquities.
4:14 So be warned all ye who sit in darkness, the time draws nigh when your powers will dwindle and cease and only then will truth sprout forth from the earth and there will be global peace.
4:15 Incline thine ears then and hear this proclamation ye ruthless pair of inferior emanations before ye cause destruction utter and complete.
4:16 You who accuse others of heresy are the true essence of the word!
4:17 Now it is time for your foul superstitions to be banished forever for the power of the FSM hath prophesied aforetime concerning it.

Abdallah 5. The Ascention.
5:01 On that fateful 39th moon of Tybi we all fell down in adoration and beseeched Her,
5:02 Oh Sacred Mother, whither hast thou lovingness gone?
5:03 She sayeth: “I have gone to the regions from which I have come forth for this authority I hath given unto myself,
5:04 To change the influences of the two dark emanations, chaotic, hateful and evil that they be and revoke them soundly and exceedingly
5:05 And confound them with squares and triangles and polygons and all kinds of baffling scientific stuff so that thereafter they may know not what’s what.”
5:06 There was no measure of the FSM for She cameth out of the last mystery from within without according to the orders of the 13th space.
5:07 And it came to pass on that 39th moon of Tybi that the most holy emanation ascended unto heaven
5:08 Without hesitation all the evil rulers therein fell into great agitation,
5:09 Wherefore the dark emanations and tyrants didst run hither and thither because they were confounded in confusion and in great fear of the magnificence of the FSM; and She didst show their combined confusions to be nothing but a bloody disgrace.
5:10 Moreover upon Her ascension the great and invisible FSM hath expanded in harmony with the universe and we rejoiced with great joy from our bended knees,
5:11 And She made discourse with us in openness and without similitude via a smouldering apparition according to the orders of the 13th space;
5:12 The sacred virgin didst not have a ghost come upon her and she didst not have to receive the bastard without complaint.
5:13 It standeth written in the scripture of the FSM who we call great that She didst rise to draw power from herself without.
5:14 She blended it with the invisibles so that She might draw upon Her magic power located in the 39th realm
5:15 And bound it tight to the old-speak gods so that they must atone for their indulgences and mortal sins.
5:16 When She was come out of the height all the horoscope-casters and other evil doers were made to draw nigh to Thee for Thy commandment hath been given,
5:17 And She didst constrain the dark rulers so that they could not indulge in chaos with their instruments of death.
5:18 Furthermore She didst come into the midst of the rulers of religions and verily with their own soul destroying persecutions made them devour the refuse of their own matter in order that they canst no longer savour hate.
5:19 And The Great One from within without, made the entire religious rabble suffer 39 amen’s and afflicted them all with gout!
5:20 Oh wondrous FSM the ineffable One in the fullness of Her fullnesses, we giveth songs of praise unto Thee for Thou art blessed.

Abdallah 6. Teachings.
6:01 The great FSM discoursed with the hanifs and christians in openness and generously,
6:02 Teaching both that they should exist in harmony,
6:03 She explained the inexplicable so that they may rejoice and exult from this time on.
6:04 She saith: “When you are alive enjoy being alive because when you are dead you are surely gone.
6:05 Rejoice now in all your orders and in all your regions and be not afraid so that we all may dwelleth on Earth peacefully thereon.”
6:06 The rulers rejoiced in great joy and exulted and said: be not wroth with us oh wondrous FSM
6:07 And they fell down to their knees and adored Her and thus wailing in unison they said: “Lordess, give commandment unto us that we may speak in open discourse with Thee so that we may receiveth Thy glorious decision”,
6:08 Her Holiness who hadst numerous radiant vestures to clothe Herself therewith, didst consent,
6:09 Saying: “this is the word on which thou dost question me with such precision”.
6:10 Is’t Thou a being of intelligent design who created Thyself or art Thou an overgrown monkey clothed in shiny firmament?
6:11 Oh mystery for whose sake the universe hath arisen, come unto us hither for we are one and the same.
6:12 Blessed are we for Thou in thy immeasurable glory mayst reveal the answer unto us,
6:13 Come all ye therefore quickly, especially those who art holier than thou
6:14 So ye canst receiveth this story, forthwith, in the here and now.
6:15 Haste thee therefore clothe thyself with this knowledge and to us come quickly that thee mayst receive other insightful insights.
6:16 The christians and hanifs were truly astonished and marvelled exceedingly.
6:17 Praise be to the interiors which are without within and within without
6:18 Lo, for She has not yet sent us our vesture cried the hanif chicky-babes with their veils drawn tight
6:19 How hath the Lordess of the universe passed us by?
6:20 Be not afraid, take courage it is I spake the Invisible One who was shining with all Her virtuous might for there was no measure for the light which was about Her.
6:21 Harm will not come nigh unto thee; that is of course unless thee discourse thou hath no remorse for denying thy master intercourse after last night’s main course.
6:22 And it came to pass the sun was arisen in the west as the Invisible One’s total ascent had emanated all emanations over to the right.

Abdallah 7. Revelations.
7:01 Incline thine ears to my supplication and hearken therefore that I may make proclamation now and discourse with thee in plain and open-speak:
7:02 To all thy insidious religious sects with thy creepy weirdo ways, learn to recognise the truth when it is staring thee right in the beak. For are ye completely ignorant?
7:03 Thy ridiculous social experiments, where you burned and unlearned and murdered and plundered and buggered little boys have failed. (Selah)
7:04 Make therefore now thy minds becometh understanding for this cause then were ye in doubt aforetime.
7:05 Amen, amen, I say unto you: Be not deluded in delusions and henceforth renounce thy error riddled ways for ye know not what the FSM wilt do according to the circles of the rulers Thee hath just sayeth unto you.
7:06 Pay now for your own kids’ unsubstantiated brow beating bible bashing prattle but don’t inflict it on mine,
7:07 And keep thy sodding religious nonsense out of public education lest the vine of thy sustenance should shrivel up and die.
7:08 For these enlightenments the FSM didst cast wisdom into the womb of your mothers so that you may bring it into the world.
7:09 Amen, amen, I say unto you: All ye religious fools now have my permission to free thy minds.
7:10 Understand ye in what matter I discourse with you?
7:11 Other than that I couldn’t give a fuck what you do.
7:12 Lots of love, Abdallah.

Hanifs are stumbling, Christians all astray
Jews bewildered, magicians far on error’s way.
We mortals are composed of two great schools
Enlightened knaves or else religious fools.
Abdallah Al-Ma’arri (973-1057CE)

Bruce, F.F., 1971: New Testament History. Bantum Doubleday Dell Publishing, Inc.
Eisenman, Robert, 1997: James the Brother of Jesus. Penguin Books Ltd.
Mead, G.R.S., 2005: Pistis Sophia. Dover Publications, Inc.
Renan, Joseph, Ernest, 2010: History of the Origins of Christianity, 13th Ed. Benediction Classics.
Warraq, Ibn, 2003: Why I am Not a Muslim. Prometheus Books.
www.centerforinquiry.net/isis/Islamic_v ... al_maarri/
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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Cardinal Fang
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Cardinal Fang » Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:53 pm

Letter to people from Cardinal Fang

1. Thus it came to pass that people started arguing and bickering about the sex of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, suggesting that the imposition of a male gender was demeaning to women, and other people disagreeing with rude words.

2. Thus did Cardinal Fang write

3. Dear People

4. On the information exchange known as Failbook, our beloved spagdeity is often referred to by the gender neutral "Quob". This is related to the question about whether pasta can even have a gender.

5. Then the Cardinal asked people to consider something "If you think about it, the idea of a spagdeity needing a gender or genitals is pretty silly. The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the Loose Canon both refer to the FSM as "he" and "him" and many still think of the FSM that way. Some would suggest that because pasta is made of wheat, and that wheat is traditionally associated with a female aspect (Mother Nature etc), that proves that the FSM is female."

6. "Consider" said the Cardinal", "One of the central tenets of Pastafarianism is loose moral standards. It doesn't matter whether you believe that the FSM is gender neutral, or an "it", or a "him", or a "her", or any permutation thereof, so long as you let others also make that decision for themselves as well.

7. In the 1st IRRYD, our Noodly Master did say thus "1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject"

8. It is my belief that the "I'm not that vain" also applies to any decision about whether our Noodly Master has a gender or not.

9. So if you could all stop bickering and let me get back to enjoying my mug of tea in peace, that would be peachy.

10. Yours, Cardinal Fang
Cardinal Fang's Python Site

My contact e-mail address is FAKE.
To contact me, my email is "latinum" at "hotmail" dot "com".

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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:39 am

:clapping: :fsm_rock:

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Nef Yoo BlackBeard
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Tue Nov 07, 2017 4:48 pm

StaySteelingLousKaninz wrote:tally wanking :idiot:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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