Pentecostal services are not your typical Sunday morning boring affairs. Their main divisions with the rest of Protestant Evangelicalism is that they believe in modern faith healings, speaking in tongues, prophecies, and very emotionally-driven sermons. Out of any church in a typical town, the Pentecostal church is most likely to resemble a dangerous cult. And Faith Tabernacle, from what I experienced this morning, is no exception. The service began with the pastor telling of how an old man in the congregation got healed of lung cancer, though the doctors said he wouldn't live for six months. Because of his faith, he got a radiological scan and "not one thread" of cancer was left! The whole congregation ate it up. Cancer is one of those ailments that is popular for faith healers--ending in either death, which can be ignored, or in natural remission, which can only be the hand of God at work in our lives. Never a word on healing something permanent, like cystic fibrosis, type-1 diabetes, HIV, or limb amputations.
It was getting toward the end of the service, with plenty of shouting and chanting and emotional displays, when I was looking through my Bible and shouted, "Oh Jesus!" I got up, approached the pastor and said, with the same emotionally-charged style of speaking that the sermon had inspired me with,
"Sorry pastor, I have got to interrupt."
He said, "No you don't."
I said, "I do! I do! It is a matter of life and death!"
"Are you saved?" he asked me in the coldest and most un-animated tone that morning.
I said, "No, that is the problem!"
I turned around and faced the congregation, holding the Bible.
"I just read a passage in the Word of God. This is the Word of God! In Deuteronomy 13:6-16, it says that if any one of your friends or family members entices you privately saying to worship other gods, then you must put him to death! You must be the first to stone him, and then everyone else must stone him too!"
By this time, four guys were standing right behind me, maybe to make sure I didn't do anything too strange. Most of the congregation was speaking in tongues, apparently pretending I wasn't there. I continued,
"So I must say to everyone very publicly, not privately, publicly, I would like everyone to worship Chuck Norris and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. So it is public, now you don't have to have to stone me to death."
The four guys behind me heard that part (one of them laughed nervously a little like it was a joke), and they grabbed me and started walking me out. I continued my plea with the Bible in my hand,
"It is public now, PLEASE DON'T STONE ME!!"
In the lobby with the door to the worship hall closed, one of those four men, an old man, asked,
"WHO DO YOU WORSHIP?"
I said, "Chuck Norris and the Flying Spaghetti Monster."
"Not in this church you don't, get out of here."
So I gave him the Bible, backed out of the entrance, wished them a happy Sunday, and left, glad I still had all my bones intact.
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The next episode I hope will be written by you. My challenge is this: go to any Biblicist (Bible literalist) church on Sunday morning, stand up, and tell everyone loudly that they should worship other gods, and you are saying this because you don't want true Christians to stone you for saying it secretly. If you do, I will mail you five dollars for a beer at your local pub.
Steps:
1) Prepare your speech.
2) Give your speech sometime during the service.
3) Write your inspiring account in this thread.
4) Private message to me your address and the church's name and town. I will contact the church staff and verify the story.
5) Wait for your beer money!
By the way, if you live in the Bible Belt, I will increase the prize money to $$ ten dollars $$.
Enough for two quality brews and a tip for the bartender.Creativity is accepted and encouraged. As long as the feat embarrasses the congregation and/or yourself, you deserve the cash for a good brew.
