The True Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

[TrueBeliever]

Attention all FSM heretics: I have come to save you all.

The official "Church" has been suppressing the REAL truth for far too long. I have only recently escaped one of their cruel detention camps. Not everyone on my team made it out alive. So sad. Here are the real truths THEY don't want you to know:

1. There were TEN "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", not eight. The two suppressed ones are "9. I'd Really Rather You Didn't wear red hats. True piratey believers wear green hats." and "10. For crying out loud, I'd Really Rather You Didn't drop "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" on your way down the mountain, you clumsy oaf". Why were these last two "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" suppressed? Politics. As usual. There are those who believe that there were *15* "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", but they're just a bunch of wingnuts and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

2. Take a good look at da Vinci's Last Supper. What are they eating? That's right. Primavera. Or "first GREEN". Get it? Green. Green HATS? It's all there, people. The "Primavera" is also a painting by the Italian Renaissance painter Sandro Botticelli. I could go on and on.

3. Do you really think that "Green Parties" around the world have anything to do with environmentalism? You fools. We are the TRUE BELIEVERS, and we know what's best for you, so shut up and do as you're told. If we say, "Make Ravioli", you say "How much?". Get it?

4. The Holiest City in all of Spaghettidom is Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. This is the site where the Holy Meatball Meteorite fell to Earth to show us the True Path. In order to consider yourself a True Believer, you must make a pilgrimmage to Ottawa once or twice a decade, make your way to Little Italy and have a fine spaghetti meal. While doing this, you must preserve the last noodle on the plate, and then take it by hand to Parliament Hill and place it on the Ceremonial Flame, which was built over the site of the meteorite impact.

Do all of these, and you will be saved. If this causes a rift, or schism in the church, then so be it. You can't make pasta without breaking a few eggs. Eggless pasta is, of course, a sin.

RAmen

True Believer

[Apostateabe]

Look, divisions have been sprinkled among us like Parmesan cheese, ever since an ancient philosopher pirate proposed that the Earth was shaped like a twisty pasta noodle, while everyone else believed that the Earth was as an upside-down bowl. I believe there is more than one way to salvation, and there is no need to feed those divisions among us. We can all stand united behind the existence of some kind of mighty noodly being.

[TrueBeliever]

Sure, sure. Just make sure you're wearing your green hat come judgement day. I'm just saying. Could get ugly. Uglier than improperly cooked pasta, if you know what I mean.

[Apostateabe]

Sure, sure. Just make sure you're wearing your green hat come judgement day. I'm just saying. Could get ugly. Uglier than improperly cooked pasta, if you know what I mean.

What exactly does your church say is going to happen to me if I don't wear that green hat? I'll be stuck with the IPA beer volcano?

[TrueBeliever]

Worse than that. Bud Light. Skunky, too. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Look up "Pascal's Wager". Then wear your green hat. It's not rocket science, people.

[Apostateabe]

Worse than that. Bud Light. Skunky, too. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Look up "Pascal's Wager". Then wear your green hat. It's not rocket science, people.

Oh geez. I hope that is a metaphorical Bud Light volcano.

[TrueBeliever]

No. It's literal. I'm a fundamentalist, so metaphors and nuance are lost on me.

Just wear the damn hat, O.K.?

[Apostateabe]

No. It's literal. I'm a fundamentalist, so metaphors and nuance are lost on me.

Just wear the damn hat, O.K.?

Is it OK if I wear an old hat with a little green mildew on it for half a second?

[TrueBeliever]

No, it has to be a fully green hat. No red trim. You can, if you wish, fashion a hat out of mildew. As long as it's green. And has the quality of "hatness". Also, I forgot to mention, if you are wearing a green hat come Judgement Day, you also get as an added bonus: 50 non-virgins. Because they know what they're doing. Your choice of gender.

Think about it.

P.S. By "non-virgins" I mean people who have cooked pasta before. You know; so you won't go hungry.

[Apostateabe]

No, it has to be a fully green hat. No red trim. You can, if you wish, fashion a hat out of mildew. As long as it's green. And has the quality of "hatness". Also, I forgot to mention, if you are wearing a green hat come Judgement Day, you also get as an added bonus: 50 non-virgins. Because they know what they're doing. Your choice of gender.

Think about it.

P.S. By "non-virgins" I mean people who have cooked pasta before. You know; so you won't go hungry.

Wait a minute... don't pirate captains wear those black three-cornered hats?

[Elvalia]

Why, yes, I believe they do.

[TrueBeliever]

No, it's just a really, really dark green. Only true believers can see it.

[TrueBeliever]

Notice the Green Hat on my avatar. I will be saved.

[Apostateabe]

OK, the black hair on my avatar is actually a green hat. If you don't see it, then you know that you aren't sincere enough in your belief.

[TrueBeliever]

I believe you, brother. Yours is simply a black and white representation of your true colours. Well done, I say. We are all good Flying Spaghetti Monster fearing Pastafarians.